So, I lived with swelling all of last week and didn't really do much about it, but complain.....out loud, but only my husband was around, and so it may as have been under my breath. He doesn't like to hear me complaining - I do appreciate that....a person doesn't get anywhere complaining. But Thursday, last week, I woke up and my ankles were still huge, my hands and wrists were all swelled up, and my eyelids. And painful..... I called the Doctor. They called me back and told me to go directly to the Emergency Room....NOW. And of course I sat on the phone and asked if I could just go to urgent care, they are cheaper for my insurance and I tried to explain.... the nurse wanted nothing of my explanation, and said go now. And I was headed to the Corvallis ER.
I get there, they check me in, I get a room. On my way, I call Jeremy, Darcy, and my mom to let them know what was going on. But really I knew nothing of what was going on, and had nothing to say except I was swollen. So Jeremy was in Seattle for training and he was going to devise a plan to get home from there and would be on his way. But I also told him that he should just wait until test results come back before he jumps that ship. And besides, I knew my mom was going to leave work so I knew someone would be there with me.
In my room, I am hanging out in my pretty hospital gown, and waiting for the doctor to come in. He does, checks me out, and pushes on my various swollen parts. Disgusting is all I have to say about that. He pushed on my ankles first and boy did it leave a humungous dent....gross! Then way up my leg into my calf he pushed and I was swollen there too.....hahahaha I just thought I really was that fat, so it felt good to say I was swollen.....
They drew blood. They were checking my liver and kidney function because that can be one cause of swelling, and he didn't think it was a blood clot because in theory I wouldn't be evenly swollen all over. I waited.....
An hour and a half later.....normal bloodwork, all looks good. I wait. About a half hour or probably longer, by now I have lost all track of time, the doctor comes in with an ultrasound machine because he wants to check my legs for clots. So he runs the thing on my upper thigh in my carotid artery on both sides and behind my knees (apparently those are the places to see a clot), and nothing. I am fine. My ER trip proved to be expensive and nothing..... I am sent home with, "You have edema. Dr. Lee (my oncologist) says to stop taking the Tamoxifen, take this water pill we will be giving you, and follow up with Dr. Lee next week."
So, if you have read any of my other posts, the Tamoxifen is what is blocking any of the estrogen positive cells remaining in my body that might be cancerous. I take this for the next five years to prevent chane of recurrence. Studies have shown that by doing this you cut your risk in half, so mine would go below 5% by taking this. It is hormone therapy, and is really doing a number on my body, and here it goes again, giving me Edema - which is caused by hormone changes, thus swelling me up like a baloon. And mind you I have only been on this for about 4 weeks.
And you can bet as soon as I leave, I call Dr. Lee's office and make my appointment - it is today at 4:30 - and try to find out more of why I am stopping this very important drug. I speak with the nurse and she tells me that even though this drug is good for my recurrence rate, we have to weigh the risks and benefits, and right now the risks are overtaking the benefits -my severe hot flashes, no sleep, restlessness, fatigue, muscle aches, and now edema. Huh, makes sense.
Well, after all of this, Jeremy really wants me to stop this stuff, he sees my quality of life is just deteriorating because of this. He thinks since I have had the mastectomy and chemo, my onco-type score was low, 18, my risk is already low. I have been off of Tamoxifen now since Thursday night, and I have had the best sleep of my life on Friday, Saturday nights. Last night wasn't so great, too much thinking about my mortality.
I see Dr. Lee today.....and I cannot wait. I don't want to go back on the stuff, but I also know by not, the nasty cancer could come back. But whose to say it doesn't come back if I take the drug. More decisions are to be made.......lovely!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Neuropathy - The Fun Never Ends
Chemotherapy-induced (chemo-induced) peripheral neuropathy may be called CIPN for short. It is a set of symptoms caused by damage to the nerves that are further away from the brain and spinal cord. These distant nerves are called peripheral nerves. They carry sensations (feeling) to the brain and control the movement of our arms and legs. They also control the bladder and bowel, though these nerves are affected less often. Chemo-induced peripheral neuropathy can be a disabling side effect of cancer treatment. It is caused by some of the chemotherapy drugs used to treat cancer."
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/PeripheralNeuropathy/peripheral-neuropathy-caused-by-chemotherapy-toc
And ladies and gentleman, I have it. This is the part where the pom-poms come out and I do a little cheer right? Ummmmm.....no.
It is nothing you want to have, and the more I read about it, the more it sucks. I have a constant tingling, burning sensation in my fingers and I have it somewhat in my toes. I am taking Hydroxyzone for it, and can take and anti-depressant, ametrytiline which helps to calm the nerves. It also gives you some weird dreams. I am holding off on that one as long as I can. I had to take it to help prevent anymore reactions after the second chemo, and it worked. But the things I dreamed..... crazy.....
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/PeripheralNeuropathy/peripheral-neuropathy-caused-by-chemotherapy-toc
And ladies and gentleman, I have it. This is the part where the pom-poms come out and I do a little cheer right? Ummmmm.....no.
It is nothing you want to have, and the more I read about it, the more it sucks. I have a constant tingling, burning sensation in my fingers and I have it somewhat in my toes. I am taking Hydroxyzone for it, and can take and anti-depressant, ametrytiline which helps to calm the nerves. It also gives you some weird dreams. I am holding off on that one as long as I can. I had to take it to help prevent anymore reactions after the second chemo, and it worked. But the things I dreamed..... crazy.....
And now have a call into my doctor because my freaking feet and hands are just absolutely swollen. You can't even see my ankle bones anymore. Just call me sausage legs people....what an awesome name! Not sure what they are going to do about it right now. I am supposed to have surgery in one week to have my left expander put back in but with all of this new stuff going on, maybe I won't......it sucks to be me sometimes.
At least I have coaching to keep my mind off of how horrible all of this really is. And it is going to get me back in shape too.....well, I hope.
At least I have coaching to keep my mind off of how horrible all of this really is. And it is going to get me back in shape too.....well, I hope.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My Nostril Hurts!
The right one is killing me! And I really mean it. You know I am in week two from my last chemo and I should really be on the home stretch people. No issues, starting to feel better and then my nose, or nostril, starts hurting. I think it started Monday, but maybe it was Sunday, who knows. But Tuesday, just sitting here at work, it starts aching so bad, I can't take it no more and I am calling the doctor.
Now when I call, I am a little embarrassed, right? Who wouldn't be? It goes something like this...
"Thank you for calling blah, blah blah, how can I help you?"
I say, "Can I talk with Dr. Lee's nurse?"
"What is this regarding?"
Long Pause...um, how do I answer..."well, uh, my nose is killing me." Yep, that is what I said...
Another long pause, and then I continue with an explanation of how my nose has kind of hurt through the whole process of chemo due to my nose hairs falling out and the sensitivity that happens and.... she cuts me off.
"You need to talk to Dr. Lee right away. I will send you to her voicemail in Albany and she will call you back."
"OK," I said. Then I hear a ring and another woman answers and I am dreading having to say my nose hurts again, but she asks, but first, of course, I want to know why I didn't go to her voicemail. So the woman takes my message and about two minutes later the doctor is calling.
Yep it hurts, yep its red, yep its like one big sore all over my right nostril.... And now I am taking yet, another pill - Hallelujah! I have an infection in my nose, and it traveled up my nose and down into my gums and mouth, the whole right side of my face was swollen up like the elephant man yesterday. I didn't sleep at all, even after taking three percocets to stop the pounding pain. I was not a pretty site. I stayed home from work again - I hate it. But I would have been of no use, what, no sleep and throbbing pain.
Stayed in bed til noon, well after I got up a couple times to let the dogs out, watched the taped Bachelor from the night before, went back to bed, got up at 3:30 and thought I should walk the dogs, because my nose felt better. hahahaha NO WAY did it feel better. As long as I don't move and stay in bed it feels better. But I made myself walk the dogs, only around the big block and wouldn't you know it, the rain came pounding down on me and the dogs. My nose is killing me!!!! And back to bed.
Well, today I am so much better, knew I would be and just had to sleep it off AND... take more pills. Came to work, doing good except my eye lids are so swollen, not sure why, but I am functioning today. But in the moment I just wanted to shoot myself. I am tired of feeling pain, tired of knowing pain, tired of dealing with pain. All that comes to mind is - If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger....so true, so true, I am still alive!
Now when I call, I am a little embarrassed, right? Who wouldn't be? It goes something like this...
"Thank you for calling blah, blah blah, how can I help you?"
I say, "Can I talk with Dr. Lee's nurse?"
"What is this regarding?"
Long Pause...um, how do I answer..."well, uh, my nose is killing me." Yep, that is what I said...
Another long pause, and then I continue with an explanation of how my nose has kind of hurt through the whole process of chemo due to my nose hairs falling out and the sensitivity that happens and.... she cuts me off.
"You need to talk to Dr. Lee right away. I will send you to her voicemail in Albany and she will call you back."
"OK," I said. Then I hear a ring and another woman answers and I am dreading having to say my nose hurts again, but she asks, but first, of course, I want to know why I didn't go to her voicemail. So the woman takes my message and about two minutes later the doctor is calling.
Yep it hurts, yep its red, yep its like one big sore all over my right nostril.... And now I am taking yet, another pill - Hallelujah! I have an infection in my nose, and it traveled up my nose and down into my gums and mouth, the whole right side of my face was swollen up like the elephant man yesterday. I didn't sleep at all, even after taking three percocets to stop the pounding pain. I was not a pretty site. I stayed home from work again - I hate it. But I would have been of no use, what, no sleep and throbbing pain.
Stayed in bed til noon, well after I got up a couple times to let the dogs out, watched the taped Bachelor from the night before, went back to bed, got up at 3:30 and thought I should walk the dogs, because my nose felt better. hahahaha NO WAY did it feel better. As long as I don't move and stay in bed it feels better. But I made myself walk the dogs, only around the big block and wouldn't you know it, the rain came pounding down on me and the dogs. My nose is killing me!!!! And back to bed.
Well, today I am so much better, knew I would be and just had to sleep it off AND... take more pills. Came to work, doing good except my eye lids are so swollen, not sure why, but I am functioning today. But in the moment I just wanted to shoot myself. I am tired of feeling pain, tired of knowing pain, tired of dealing with pain. All that comes to mind is - If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger....so true, so true, I am still alive!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Grandma
Holding grudges is stupid....almost as stupid as cancer.....no, I say just as stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! No one lives forever just get over it and move on.
I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.
She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.
She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.
She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.
I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.
I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles.
When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.
It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.
Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar, sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.
Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.
****************************************************************************
Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......
I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.
She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.
She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.
She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.
I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.
I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles.
When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.
It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.
Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar, sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.
Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.
****************************************************************************
Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......
Friday, February 18, 2011
Review, Review, Review.....
I think I have fixed them all! Well, let's be real, probably not, but trying to....
So, I decided to read through some of my posts and noticed some HUGE editing errors. Seriously, I write "know" when I mean "no" and there and their used in wrong places. What is wrong with my spelling. Know is when you realize something and have knowledge, while No is the opposite of Yes - duh! And over there verses their possessions. There refers to a "place" while Their refers to something "owned." And many other mistakes, totally embarrassing, but have been fixed, or so I hope. I am sure I will find more, I didn't read every post.....
Happy Reading!
So, I decided to read through some of my posts and noticed some HUGE editing errors. Seriously, I write "know" when I mean "no" and there and their used in wrong places. What is wrong with my spelling. Know is when you realize something and have knowledge, while No is the opposite of Yes - duh! And over there verses their possessions. There refers to a "place" while Their refers to something "owned." And many other mistakes, totally embarrassing, but have been fixed, or so I hope. I am sure I will find more, I didn't read every post.....
Happy Reading!
Raising Your Awareness of Self
This will make you laugh, smile, cry, and all other emotions. Watch until the end and see how this dog is helping with raising money for breast cancer. Love it!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
What Do We Want?
Strength does not come from winning
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength.
I had a moment today, sad really that my minutes have come to this.
I was feeling better after chemo #4 and slept in until my inside clock told me to wake up. I have decided while going through all of this I will not set an alarm, I will not rush myself, I will move when my body says move. It has been helpful at times, but then very panicky at others for I just want to get up early and be well rested to go to work. So, I roll my eyes open at whatever time it was and do a body check. You know what that is, right? You are lying there, don't move and just kind of let your mind float over your parts to check in and see how they are feeling. I must say I felt OK, still some aches but I can manage. I get up, take the dogs out, eat some oatmeal for breakfast, and get ready to go to work, because I am going to today, nothing is going to stop me....and I mean nothing....no really, nothing at all, I am going....... And then I see it, my image, and that can stop me....dead in my tracks really.
I am still not used to the peach fuzz filled head, the swollen face, the eyes with huge bags under them, the pot-belly, one "boob" sitting on the right, the other "boob" just a bunch of skin waiting to be filled on the left. The stitch marks across where my nipples should be, all hideous to the sight, and all me....Wonderful, who wants to go out now into the world when you have this to work with? Pick someone else please, I don't want to go.
And did I mention the 20 pounds I have so quickly and elegantly put on? The weight that has accumulated somewhere in the belly region and won't allow me to button up my pants, and look even tighter than before. So what to wear, standing there, staring in the closet at all the clothes that line the racks and not of one of them do I want to wear. I don't want to be stuffed into some article of clothing, I want to be comfortable as I sit all day at my desk. But, I also want to feel like I have done something with myself when others come in. Although I really don't care, do I? I will wear this, grab something, put it on, and get out the door. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I have to go to the pharmacy to get my Tomoxafin (however you spell it), the pill I will take everyday for the next five years. That is 365 days per year at five years, and equates to 1,825 days and I have been taking them since Saturday night, that is, uh, .... three doeses thus far. "Stupendous!" I say, "only 1,822 days to go." But who's counting.
And for some reason as I am leaving the pharmacy, heading to the car to go to work, my eyes begin to well right up, the faucet has turned on. And this overwhelming feeling just sweeps over me because I have to do this for five years. And then all the other stupid thoughts.... will I live five years more? what if it comes back? I really wanted children of my own? Why does Jeremy stay? Did I really park like that? And the inevetible....."Why me?"
I sat in the car, crying.....And why not, I cried some more.
Not alot is done with those that sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I don't want to be one of those but at times I find that I do. At this point I have nothing more to fight with - the chemotherapy, I have nothing more to wait for - the chemotherapy, I have no more to be fearful of - the chemotherapy. It is done, I am cancer-free, right? It seems I have this big job to fill - being an inspiration and role model for many..... I don't want the job anymore, it is overwhelming. How can I possibly have bad days, everyone is watching. I have to button up and "Be INSPIRATIONAL!" Can we trade places?
In my support group a woman said,"I am tired of everyone telling me I look great, that I have made it through and am stronger for it. I have not," she says, "I am still fighting it, still have treatment, I don't look good, I don't feel good, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, smile and step out the door. I wish they would say nothing at all." She was angry, and had the courgage to say what a lot of us in the group might want to. And all went very silent with nodding heads in agreement.....
But I have to wonder.....is that what we really want, as survivors, to then be ignored?
Be inspiring?
I just want to be normal......but there isn't one anymore, I have this NEW normal......
All of it so overwhelming........
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength.
I had a moment today, sad really that my minutes have come to this.
I was feeling better after chemo #4 and slept in until my inside clock told me to wake up. I have decided while going through all of this I will not set an alarm, I will not rush myself, I will move when my body says move. It has been helpful at times, but then very panicky at others for I just want to get up early and be well rested to go to work. So, I roll my eyes open at whatever time it was and do a body check. You know what that is, right? You are lying there, don't move and just kind of let your mind float over your parts to check in and see how they are feeling. I must say I felt OK, still some aches but I can manage. I get up, take the dogs out, eat some oatmeal for breakfast, and get ready to go to work, because I am going to today, nothing is going to stop me....and I mean nothing....no really, nothing at all, I am going....... And then I see it, my image, and that can stop me....dead in my tracks really.
I am still not used to the peach fuzz filled head, the swollen face, the eyes with huge bags under them, the pot-belly, one "boob" sitting on the right, the other "boob" just a bunch of skin waiting to be filled on the left. The stitch marks across where my nipples should be, all hideous to the sight, and all me....Wonderful, who wants to go out now into the world when you have this to work with? Pick someone else please, I don't want to go.
And did I mention the 20 pounds I have so quickly and elegantly put on? The weight that has accumulated somewhere in the belly region and won't allow me to button up my pants, and look even tighter than before. So what to wear, standing there, staring in the closet at all the clothes that line the racks and not of one of them do I want to wear. I don't want to be stuffed into some article of clothing, I want to be comfortable as I sit all day at my desk. But, I also want to feel like I have done something with myself when others come in. Although I really don't care, do I? I will wear this, grab something, put it on, and get out the door. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I have to go to the pharmacy to get my Tomoxafin (however you spell it), the pill I will take everyday for the next five years. That is 365 days per year at five years, and equates to 1,825 days and I have been taking them since Saturday night, that is, uh, .... three doeses thus far. "Stupendous!" I say, "only 1,822 days to go." But who's counting.
And for some reason as I am leaving the pharmacy, heading to the car to go to work, my eyes begin to well right up, the faucet has turned on. And this overwhelming feeling just sweeps over me because I have to do this for five years. And then all the other stupid thoughts.... will I live five years more? what if it comes back? I really wanted children of my own? Why does Jeremy stay? Did I really park like that? And the inevetible....."Why me?"
I sat in the car, crying.....And why not, I cried some more.
Not alot is done with those that sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I don't want to be one of those but at times I find that I do. At this point I have nothing more to fight with - the chemotherapy, I have nothing more to wait for - the chemotherapy, I have no more to be fearful of - the chemotherapy. It is done, I am cancer-free, right? It seems I have this big job to fill - being an inspiration and role model for many..... I don't want the job anymore, it is overwhelming. How can I possibly have bad days, everyone is watching. I have to button up and "Be INSPIRATIONAL!" Can we trade places?
In my support group a woman said,"I am tired of everyone telling me I look great, that I have made it through and am stronger for it. I have not," she says, "I am still fighting it, still have treatment, I don't look good, I don't feel good, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, smile and step out the door. I wish they would say nothing at all." She was angry, and had the courgage to say what a lot of us in the group might want to. And all went very silent with nodding heads in agreement.....
But I have to wonder.....is that what we really want, as survivors, to then be ignored?
Be inspiring?
I just want to be normal......but there isn't one anymore, I have this NEW normal......
All of it so overwhelming........
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