I can't do it.......YET!

I am struggling. Struggling with self-image, struggling with fatigue, struggling with fat-ness, struggling with worth. I have been for awhile, and I have let it control me. My moods, attitude, missteps. I virtually hate everything about me, dreading every day of having to get up and put clothes on, that don't look good in the first place, this thing called My Body. Yuck, tears, tantrums, fits, tired. 

I got a facebook message from Traci - "Hey don't know if you are still interested in CrossFit but Fitness Experience has become a CrossFit affiliate and adding on a Crossfit Box to the gym. Classes can be a little spendy but I live and swear by it. Let me know if you want more info...or just want to come try a class with me!"

Now, she doesn't know this, but she just may have saved me from my self-hatred, sending this one simple message. I am sure she thought I wouldn't do it, have some excuse like all the other times, but she took the effort to send it anyway. Thankful? Why yes I am - more than is imaginable. 

I went to a class Tuesday morning, April 30th, 5:15am - Fit Camp with Deana.

"Somebody shoot me!" was all that went through my mind during that hour of class, but alas, no one did pull the trigger, I lived. It was hard. And I mean the kind of hard that death is right around the corner. All my parts hurt, along with all my body issues acquired over the last two years of this fight - fat, neuropathy, lymphedema, arthritis, lack of chest muscles, hip laberal pain, I wanted to quit. The class ended, I laid there in all my bodily sweat, panting like a dog, agonizing the move to stand, my brain asking me over and over, "What have you done to yourself?!" 

I signed up to come back for more......

I made this choice on my own. No persuasion, no sales pitch like, "Hey, sign up today and you get a free personal torture session and water bottle!" Nothing like this at all, but rather, it goes to the power of one small act.

You see, I sucked! I mean really sucked! My belly was hanging out and you could see the roundness through my shirt; the weights lifted were light, if any; my squats were not squats but bending; my breathing was more like gasping, reaching for oxygen. I had no business being there. I was not in shape to do all of these brutal things, "You want me to do what?!" 

But, someone believed in me and my ability to do the task at hand. I was paid attention to and given modifications to be successful. I wasn't just a paying body in the class, I was meaningful and important, my triumph mattered. Who knew? Certainly, not me, so why would somebody else? Made no sense, but made me want to do more and be more. 

Can I say that again, "Someone believed in me!" How powerful is this? Why is it so meaningful? 

My excuses didn't work anymore, "I can't do a push-up...I can't pull myself up.....I just can't!"Someone believed in my ability enough and gave me a success plan to get there.  Not many do this for someone the first time meeting them (being genuine and not fake), especially when they give every excuse in the book. I have been given a new term, "I can't do it........YET!" 

I went to the Prep Course for Crossfit R3 on the following Saturday to learn some of the functional moves used. I wished for bullets, again, but nothing happened; I lived. 

I met Joey that day, the Crossfit guy, and he believed in me too. He wanted me to succeed. He didn't judge my broad jump in all its glory but said,"Great Job!" and other positive phrases that could possibly come out of your mouth while watching an overweight, out of shape, middle-aged, cancer survivor struggle to accomplish three sit-ups, three push-ups and 7 broad jumps for 10,000 minutes (wait, I made that number up, but it was a lot, maybe 21 minutes....). But I finished, didn't give up, wanted to, but didn't. 

And I have continued to show up for more. Yes, the first two weeks I was absolutely miserable in all senses of the word. Every body part ached, I shook when I stood, I could barely lift my arms, my body practically un-functioning, but always ready and eager to come back for more. 

In week three, I went to Fit Camp at 5:15 in the morning, soaked shirt, aching body, and came home and cried. More like sobbed standing in the shower. I couldn't stop. I don't really even know why. Ridiculous....BUT I felt progress, I saw changes in my body, I was believing in me, I  was committing to love me, not hate this disfigured body that cancer has left. I believed in Deana and Joey and Traci and everyone in my classes to help me get through this low point in my life. I truly needed THIS! 

Just three short weeks ago I was negative, hated everything, yucky, wanted to be done with everything and crawl in bed and never get up; exhausted.

I played softball. Totally unexpected right? This time it was different. Of course I will never be that young college athlete playing the hot corner again, but for me, at that moment,I was moving better, not perfect, but better. Stopped balls that I would have never gotten to before. Diving and sliding just happened, my body didn't stop me or struggle to stand after hitting the dirt. I hit the ball over an outfielders head...That hasn't happened since cancer took over my life! Best part? Not being miserable after the ground pounding my body received. Jeremy noticed and acknowledged a difference.  My heart skipped. I want him to notice me....

I was at work. Had to get under my desk to get to the computer, put my arm on my desk and just lifted myself up to standing. Froze. Tears. Lots. This great feat has never happened since my double mastectomy and reconstruction. I have always had to position myself just right to let my legs lift me.....eventually. Not anymore. 

I buttoned my jeans. I know, a big one, you are all shocked...Tears. Lots.

Jeremy touched my leg. "You are getting firmer." He noticed.  I want to be noticed by him, always. We hugged, my heart smiled.

Deana and Joey, I thank you for pushing me, modifying for me, challenging me, listening to me, believing in me. Traci, thank you for asking me to just try. Mary, thank you for your kind words from one survivor to another. 

This is week five. I am committed. I am accountable. I have no excuse. I am sore always. I am taking back control. I think......no, I do, believe in me. More please!

It's Been Awhile.....

Hello Everyone!
I feel compelled to write. I have so many thoughts that are just happening and I want to get them all down so decided to re-visit this blog and continue with my cancer journey and all the new places it has taken me. 

First, lets start with my last post and starting on the new hormone therapy....It never happened. Let's just say I was freaked out at the thought of having a shot in my belly to force menopause so I could take this other pill to stop the cancer from spreading IF we didn't kill it all with chemo. I opted to try Tamoxifen again and see what happens. If I swelled, I would consider other options. 

Tamoxifen worked, but boy does it SUCK! You just feel different. The kind of different that really cannot be put into words, just different. At this point everything is out of the ordinary, but you know that you shouldn't feel like this. I continued to take it until July 2012 and decided that my quality of life was suffering and quantity didn't really matter anymore. 

What a freaking miracle! I am not exaggerating at all when I say I noticed the effects of not taking the pill right away. The next morning after the full 24 hours off was amazing, like a fog was lifted, like I could really and truly breathe again. And, it is then that I realized what different meant because you have this new found freedom that you weren't experiencing before. Truly great. 

Having cancer sucks, but it has created open doors for myself and Jeremy (since he is a cancer survivor too), and for that I am thankful. We applied to attend an introductory camp with First Descents to learn to kayak in September of 2012 and it was amazing. Here is Jeremy and I rafting with all of the other Young Adult Cancer Survivors from Albany Group. And then me riding the waves through my first Class 3 rapid in an inflatable kayak....scary!

Then just this March, Jeremy and I had an opportunity to attend a 7-day trip in Maui to learn to surf and SUP with other cancer survivors from across the state. What an experience. I have met some amazing people through all of this, and I aspire to be amazing in this fight, but it really is humbling to hear others' stories and be a support system. I am not alone in this, there are others that get it, I mean truly get it, and for some reason it makes it all better. Not sure why but it does. A truly wonderful adventure!

While on this awesome adventure, I decided to get a tatoo....Why? I have no idea. I felt compelled, like I was supposed to mark this with some kind of body ink. I HATE tatoos, why?! I designed it to be my "logo" of sorts. It took less than 10 minutes and I screamed like a baby. Jeremy was by my side laughing at me and embarrassed by my rantings. I am OK with it, not sure I like it forever a-fixed to my body, but can't really just change my mind.

Let's talk babies.....we want a family, its no lie, but not at the expense of my life. We considered in-vitro, but Jeremy and I are scared that I won't be around to enjoy it, so we decided not to, and to try naturally. 

Well, miserable FAIL, been a year and no pregnancies.We have a slim chance to none of getting pregnant on our own, due to Jeremy's testicular cancer, and we knew that going in, but there was still hope. I am sure my weight gain and mild depression has played into all of this as well, and so I finally decided it was time to start controlling what I can and let go of all the things I cannot.......

We are now into the end of May 2013 and changes they are a happening, and I am better for it. Jeremy and I have decided to re-visit the idea of in-vitro after talking to my oncologist more about it. Tthe issue with this procedure is you give yourself hormone shots for 13 weeks and that scares the hell out of us, since my cancer is a hormone positive one! But, my oncologist has told me that doing this will only make it come back faster. Ultimately if the chemo did not kill the cancer originally, then it is just sitting their, dormant, waiting to be found - a little hide-n-seek, if you will. So, all Tamoxifen does is prolongs the "seek" part for the five years you take it and keeps Mrs. Estrogen at bay. So, whoopee, five more years I get to live. No, I would rather it come back faster and I fight it at a younger age than five years from now. So, by having these shots, it may just make the cancer appear in my blood work and we can tackle it then. Why prolong my dreams, our dream of having our own child? Dumb, really.....more on this later. 

take care

It's BA-ACK!!!!

Well, can you believe it, I was told it wouldn't happen, no way, no how, no-no....But it did, not so ecstatic about it, probably should be, but kind of happy it left.......for awhile....but you came back......Aren't periods grand......

I know probably sharing a little too much, but that is what I do, share, and this is my diary of events in my one year of cancer hell, so I need it documented. I am not sure how I feel about it. Menopause or should I say the menopause symptoms were awful going through them and now it just means I have to do it all over again. I sure am one lucky son of a gun. Hurry get the balloons and streamers...we are throwing a party......um....no. hahahahhahahahahha I really am funny.

And the worst part, or best part, or however you look at it, on July 7th I go up to Portland to start my menopause injections so I can start taking the Arimedex (the post menopause drug that helps in breast cancer recurrence rates). Again, I am on lucky duck! That was sarcasm, if you didn't catch on to that.

Let's Play Catch-up

Haven't written in awhile so thought I might update those that are patiently waiting for something to be said, or you are just plain bored and need something to read....Whichever it is, I hope I can hold your attention.

We held our Pink Out game on Wednesday, May 4th, and I felt it was a success. I had two wonderful players of past help with everything and they really pulled it all together for me. The players looked terrific in their POW shirts and hot pink socks....way to represent. I have a great picture that will have to be posted once I get it downloaded. It was wonderful to see the crowd adorned in our hot pink shirts and knowing that they each contributed to our fundraising efforts. We were able to write a check to Project H.E.R. for $500 and present it to them last week. I am very proud of the girls and the effort they put behind this.

As for the season, we lost more than we won, but it was a growing year and there are only great things to come. I feel we learned alot and there towards the end we put up some really good fights, losing to Central and Newport by only one. Those are very big accomplishments. We have our end of year party this Thursday night, with costume contest - Rocker theme. I just may dye what little hair I have and really slather on the black eyeliner, along with some kind of outfit.....who knows, I may not too.

Coaching is bitter sweet at times and when your season is done you look forward to getting back to a less hectic and busy life, but you also know those seniors that you grew to love and respect, watch mature in the game are going to be leaving. I have a really special place in my heart for these few kids and getting through the awards ceremony is going to be tough.

I won't say this year of coaching was easy, quite frankly it was downright grueling to try and work full-time and be there full-time. I managed. It was good for me. I would have just sat at home feeling sorry for myself...now who wants to do that? The coaches I talked to couldn't believe I was even out there after all I went through, some others too. Why not? I have to move on sometime and what better time to than when surrounding yourself with a bunch of female teenage athletes. I can't think of a better way to spend my time. Sure, I am a role model, but this group of young women I get to coach everyday are role models of their own.....inspiring me everyday to put one foot in front of the other and do what I love to do. Thank you.....

In the News

I was hoping with this news spot to promote our Pink Out Game on May 4th, 2011 at Philomath High School vs. Taft High School at 4pm to raise money for Project H.E.R. - our local non-profit set up to help those diagnosed with breast cancer. Didn't really happen, and it is a nice story. I don't like much talking about me, but it was nice to have the players included and get some kind of good out of it. With this link there is a video and article.

http://www.kval.com/sports/120745234.html

Horoscope and Choices

Horoscopes are funny little things. I usually ignore them. Today, for some reason I read mine. Eerily it seems to know my life:
You could be more self-protective now than anyone realizes, but your social veneer makes it look like you're fully engaged in your relationships. People close to you may be impressed with your optimistic demeanor, however, you may be reliving unexpressed hurt that continues to be recycled in your life. For now, there's no reason to change your behavior; it's okay to dance between two positions. Thankfully, you will be able to meld these disparate realities with time.

And then I found this little piece about choices - this vs. that. I will always have choices....

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important.

My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

-- Author Unknown

Gazette-Times Article

As the head softball coach at Philomath High School I am trying to put together a Pink Out game to raise money for Project H.E.R., the local non-profit that helps breast cancer patients get through this difficult time. Below is the article and the link, along with the team picture. Just trying to pay it forward.

Stephanie Kerst had no reason to worry.
At 36, the mammogram was just a new addition to her annual check-up.
It was late August when Kerst, the Philomath High softball coach, went through the procedure.
The call came on Sept. 10.
They had found a lump. It was tiny, but it was there.
Cancer.
“I’m dying,” Kerst thought.
“Because when you first find out, they don’t know anything. All they know is, you have cancer. That’s all you’re told. So then you wait.”
Her husband, Jeremy, finally arrived home and they talked about the situation.
It helped that Jeremy is a cancer survivor, but the unknown loomed.
The next day Kerst got another call.
This one from Joann Stutzman of Project H.E.R., a local program that helps women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer work through the process.
They talked and Kerst realized that she had hope.
“It makes you feel better,” Kerst said. “You’re not dying. There is help. There are resources. There are all these things out there that will help you get through it.”
Kerst had no idea if she would continue coaching softball at PHS.
She called athletic director Steve Bennett soon after she found out and told him that she would be fine if they had to find someone else.
“Because at the time I talked to him I knew nothing,” she said. “He said, ‘I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you get to do what you want to do.’”
She knew she wanted to stick with softball.
There was a long road to go to get to that point.
Despite the inclination of her doctors, Kerst was determined to get a mastectomy.
She didn’t want to wonder if the cancer would come back.
“In my mind it was no question,” she said. “I always said that if I got it I was going to get a mastectomy. The doctors think I’m crazy because it was a stage 0-1 which is what I have for breast cancer, which is very small, but I just don’t want to sit and obsess about it.
“I just want to move on with my life.”
Kerst had surgery on Oct. 5.
Then the real troubles began.
Battle after battle
Kerst left the hospital on Oct. 8, a Friday. She felt fine and went to a football party the next day and seemed OK through the week.
She woke up the following Friday morning screaming from the pain.
It was a staph infection.
“I didn’t know what was happening,” Kerst said. “My left side was killing me. I was running a fever. We called the doctor and he said get in here immediately. I was in the hospital for five days because of the infection.”
A few weeks later she was hit by another infection.
“The whole thing swelled up. They took out 300 (cubic centimeters) of pus out of my left side,” she said. “The day after Thanksgiving I had surgery to have my left expander removed.
“Then I felt great.”
Kerst started chemotherapy in December.
She had four sessions and had a bad reaction after the second one.
She wanted to quit.
“I didn’t want to do it anymore and my husband’s like, ‘You can do it, you can do it,’ ” she said. “And after number three, you want to stop. People who do 12 chemo sessions or more, they are amazing to me. After number four, I couldn’t have done it.”
Kerst got through the chemo and did not have to go through radiation treatment.
Tests of her lymph nodes came back negative.
“Right now I can say I’m cancer-free,” she said.
A season of recovery
Her hair is growing back in wisps of blonde.
Day after day, Kerst is returning to her old self.
Getting back to softball was a tough transition physically but a boost mentally for Kerst.
Recovery from chemo and the surgery takes some time and Kerst had plenty of down days.
“I watch her and she’s inspiring in that she comes out and she pushes these kids to do their best even though I know there are times when she’s tired,” assistant coach Saff Evans said.
“She doesn’t show it but she’s quite honest with them  at times when she goes, ‘I hurt today,’ or ‘I’m tired today.’ But she just perseveres. It’s just amazing.”
Coaching the Warriors keeps Kerst moving forward.
Most followers of the program figured she would quit coaching. They thought it would be too draining for her.
“This is what kept me going,” she said. “I have this to look forward to. I have this to come to every day. I have a great job. I love my job.”
That doesn’t mean Kerst has boundless energy while she’s coaching.
She takes full advantage of her five-member staff when she can.
Jeremy Kerst said she took a tumble while coaching a game against Pleasant Hill, but getting to the diamond has been a perfect outlet for her.
“You can tell at home that definitely after she coaches that she’s a lot more happy, most of the time,” he said. “It gives her something else to think about besides that, something less painful.”
Project H.E.R. made such an impact on Kerst that she wanted to give back.
Kerst’s idea was to hold a pink out game to benefit the program, which serves Benton, Linn and Lincoln counties.
The game will be on May 4 at PHS.
But there will be more to this game than players and fans wearing pink.
There will be a couple people from Project H.E.R. at the game to give out information.

The team is selling T-shirts (the ones we are wearing in the picture), taking pledges and donations will be accepted.

“Everybody does a pink out game but there’s no purpose behind them,” Kerst said. “They say, ‘Oh, we’re going to wear pink for this game.’ I want to do more than wear pink.

“This is my way of giving back.”

http://gazettetimes.com/sports/high-school/article_d372095e-64a7-11e0-bd21-001cc4c002e0.html