I feel compelled to write. I have so many thoughts that are just happening and I want to get them all down so decided to re-visit this blog and continue with my cancer journey and all the new places it has taken me.
First, lets start with my last post and starting on the new hormone therapy....It never happened. Let's just say I was freaked out at the thought of having a shot in my belly to force menopause so I could take this other pill to stop the cancer from spreading IF we didn't kill it all with chemo. I opted to try Tamoxifen again and see what happens. If I swelled, I would consider other options.
Tamoxifen worked, but boy does it SUCK! You just feel different. The kind of different that really cannot be put into words, just different. At this point everything is out of the ordinary, but you know that you shouldn't feel like this. I continued to take it until July 2012 and decided that my quality of life was suffering and quantity didn't really matter anymore.
What a freaking miracle! I am not exaggerating at all when I say I noticed the effects of not taking the pill right away. The next morning after the full 24 hours off was amazing, like a fog was lifted, like I could really and truly breathe again. And, it is then that I realized what different meant because you have this new found freedom that you weren't experiencing before. Truly great.
Having cancer sucks, but it has created open doors for myself and Jeremy (since he is a cancer survivor too), and for that I am thankful. We applied to attend an introductory camp with First Descents to learn to kayak in September of 2012 and it was amazing. Here is Jeremy and I rafting with all of the other Young Adult Cancer Survivors from Albany Group. And then me riding the waves through my first Class 3 rapid in an inflatable kayak....scary!
Then just this March, Jeremy and I had an opportunity to attend a 7-day trip in Maui to learn to surf and SUP with other cancer survivors from across the state. What an experience. I have met some amazing people through all of this, and I aspire to be amazing in this fight, but it really is humbling to hear others' stories and be a support system. I am not alone in this, there are others that get it, I mean truly get it, and for some reason it makes it all better. Not sure why but it does. A truly wonderful adventure!
While on this awesome adventure, I decided to get a tatoo....Why? I have no idea. I felt compelled, like I was supposed to mark this with some kind of body ink. I HATE tatoos, why?! I designed it to be my "logo" of sorts. It took less than 10 minutes and I screamed like a baby. Jeremy was by my side laughing at me and embarrassed by my rantings. I am OK with it, not sure I like it forever a-fixed to my body, but can't really just change my mind.
Let's talk babies.....we want a family, its no lie, but not at the expense of my life. We considered in-vitro, but Jeremy and I are scared that I won't be around to enjoy it, so we decided not to, and to try naturally.
Well, miserable FAIL, been a year and no pregnancies.We have a slim chance to none of getting pregnant on our own, due to Jeremy's testicular cancer, and we knew that going in, but there was still hope. I am sure my weight gain and mild depression has played into all of this as well, and so I finally decided it was time to start controlling what I can and let go of all the things I cannot.......
We are now into the end of May 2013 and changes they are a happening, and I am better for it. Jeremy and I have decided to re-visit the idea of in-vitro after talking to my oncologist more about it. Tthe issue with this procedure is you give yourself hormone shots for 13 weeks and that scares the hell out of us, since my cancer is a hormone positive one! But, my oncologist has told me that doing this will only make it come back faster. Ultimately if the chemo did not kill the cancer originally, then it is just sitting their, dormant, waiting to be found - a little hide-n-seek, if you will. So, all Tamoxifen does is prolongs the "seek" part for the five years you take it and keeps Mrs. Estrogen at bay. So, whoopee, five more years I get to live. No, I would rather it come back faster and I fight it at a younger age than five years from now. So, by having these shots, it may just make the cancer appear in my blood work and we can tackle it then. Why prolong my dreams, our dream of having our own child? Dumb, really.....more on this later.
take care
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