Monday, November 18, 2013

We are Going for It!

It's a Monday, phone rings, I answer. 

"Hi Stephanie, this is Sara with Oregon Reproductive Medicine and you owe $360 to freeze and store your eggs for another year."

"Oh, um, I am going to have to call you back and talk to my husband to even see if we are going to use them." More pleasantries, I hang up.

I dial, music plays.....he answers...

"So, I need you to take a minute, step away from whatever you are doing for I need your undivided attention for this conversation."


I sighed, stammered, didn't know where to begin, I just start..."so I got a call from the egg place and we need to start paying for my egg freeze and store now. I don't want to pay it or hold on to them anymore if we are not going to use them, it seems dumb to waste the money. I know you have been on the fence about it because of what I have to do to my body to get there and the consequences that could happen. So, if you don't want to, I get it, but we need to have this discussion now and make a decision."

I was prepared for the long pause, the discussion points, and the indecisiveness. We have had this talk many times. Jeremy doesn't have any desire to be a single father. All the hormones could bring the cancer back starting the battle again and the possibility of losing the fight…..….Does having a baby outweigh this risk?

There was no pause, not even to breathe.

“Let’s do it.”

“What, are you sure, no discussion, just yes???”

“Yes, let’s do it.”

“OK, and the money, it isn’t cheap?”

“I don’t know, we’ll figure it out.”

We figured it out.....

We applied for and got approved for a personal loan the very next day.  We called Oregon Reproductive Medicine, to find out when we could start…. Appointment #1 scheduled - October 24th, 2013.

We still hadn’t really told anyone. Almost like we had to keep it all a secret or it might not happen, as if the thought of yes could somehow become no. Does that happen? The percentages are not great with IVF, about 60%, and with my age I am sure it may slough off a little more. I want to shout it, and post it, and let everyone know, but there are too many what-ifs at this point to know for sure, exactly if this is happening.

But, I wanted and needed to tell my mom our plan, our final decision, to go ahead with all of this and try. I wasn’t getting any younger and this is what Jeremy and I have wanted since the beginning. I show up at her house, “So mom, I have some news…..”

Instantly she says to me, “That is so great Steph,” the tears start, the hugs,”  I can try and help with the money, get it out of my retirement, I have a little bit in savings, I can give you some every month. I just wish I had it for you.”

I laughed at her and said we had it all figured out. But I appreciated her great willingness to help us.

You see, what is so amazing and wonderful about my mother is she doesn't have a lot but is always willing and wanting to help her children out, doing so with whatever means possible. She has always been this way, and is the true epitome of unconditional love, with never a string attached to her giving. I want to be that for my children. I could never repay my mom for all that she has done for me in my life, but she wouldn't want me to either, she does it because she loves me. I am pretty lucky….and appreciate her more than she could ever imagine.

It all was feeling a little more real, like this is really happening….but there were still so many unknowns that it wasn't quite set in stone.

Appointment #1, Dr. Bankowski. He goes over everything – the how’s, what’s, when’s, where’s, and more. We get our next appointment figured out, and lucky me, I am just now on day 3 of my cycle so all the tests can happen much faster. Yes, this is good, we don't want to think about it anymore, we just want to move on…..Back next week for my “practice run” of the egg transfer....nothing but nerves.

Mock transfer day. Yippee! It has to work great, it will work great, there will be no issues. I just feel it.

Let me tell you, here is the absolute worse part – You must show up with a FULL bladder. Ugh.

Well, when we get to our appointment, the first thing I want to do is head to the restroom but remember at the very last minute, ”NO, hold it!” So, I head on in to the waiting room and wait. Man my bladder is full.

I hear my name, get up, shuffle on over to the door. I get undressed, assume the position and we begin. All goes smoothly, no hiccups, the practice was a success! I will need acupuncture to help with blood flow in my right ovary leading up to and on the day of egg transfer, but that was the only pre-qualifier. This will help to get that ovary a little more motivated to pump. Let’s hope.

Jeremy and I also have some blood drawn for genetic testing to see if either of us carries the same recessive gene that we could pass on to our unborn baby. I guess when you are spending this kind of money the more information one can get, the better.

That first practice run and appointment = $1,275.00. Jeremy and I just looked at each other, took a deep breath and paid it. This is going to be expensive, and we knew it, but so worth it when we become pregnant. Nothing but positive thoughts.

Another Monday, phone rings, “hello?”

“Hi Stephanie, we have the results of your genetic tests, and neither of you carry any of the recessive genes we tested for, so all is fine.”

Dead silence, I sobbed.

I don’t know why I cried so much, maybe it is the relief of all the obstacles disappearing – the money, the transfer, the genetics – all of it perfect and paving a path to having a child of our own. It seems more real, it is really happening.

And now back to Monday, these could start to be great days. My cycle has started, it’s day 3 and I start on birth control pills to create a predictable body. I will take these until December 16th and stop, skipping the placebo pills in the pack, moving right on through to the next package. I have my calendar, all is set and if this works, I will have the transfer on January 15th and we could be pregnant.

With all the tests, the results are in, the funds are borrowed, we are ready. Wish us luck, pray, toss a penny in a fountain, cross your fingers, or whatever it is when you want to send some great positiveness to someone in need. We sure could use it. The success rate doesn’t lean itself to awesomeness, but we are giving it all we got and always could use your energy in willing this along.

We have just one more test….. two pink lines please?

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