Thursday, April 3, 2014

Over it.....again

I am so over it and hate that I am still dealing with the effects of chemotherapy. It is a small percentage that deal with this, and guess what....? pick me, please.

Why am I the lucky one that consistently has all of the side effects? I just want to get my body back, am working hard to get there and then WHAM!,hello neuropathy. 

And my neuropathy isn't just a numbing feeling, but rather a burning, tingling that starts in my feet and runs up my legs, causing great amounts of stinging pain. I don't dare stop in the group exercise class, tears falling, to walk out and hope it goes away....I don't want to be different, I don't what the "What's wrong?" or the looks of disappointment from others because, "What, you can't get through the workout?" And I would want to scream back,"YES I CAN!" I am not weak, just broken. Very broken.

I finished, paused a couple of times to let some of the stinging pass, but I finished. It becomes mind over matter at that point, fixated on the countdown, pushing through to the end. There is no quitting, there would be too many questions, no matter what. 

So, now I have two options as I sit here drinking my coffee and getting ready for work - take pills to get the burning under control or just suffer through. Both choices suck! The pills make you so drowsy and foggy that going to work and actually working becomes a lost cause. Suffering through is also miserable while my mind is fixated on the pain. Neither choice is viable, both choices are painful, and I hate drugs.

These are the days that I don't understand. Why me? why this? I wish it would end. These are the days that I have to believe in something higher, I am wanted here because there is some kind of master plan. Another demon to face, bigger than cancer. Possible? There has to be something. 

And that is my moment of self-pity. Do I feel better? Not yet, but I will. I sit here flanked on either side  Copper and Tikka, wondering why the tears and wanting attention.

And Gypsy, sitting on my belly purring away, oblivious to the circumstances surrounding my sadness. "Just pet me!" she screams.

They do make me feel loved, they need me to be around.

I am frustrated, angry, sad. I am allowed these moments. We all are. The bigger piece is, how will I move forward? foot in front of the other.

But, really, I am so over it!

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