Monday, January 27, 2014

Game Over........

I BLEEPING HATE CANCER!!!! It has taken so much from me - I have boobs that are more like knobs that just stick out from my chest. Yes, they are perky, but I would give anything to have my saggy, 39-year-old boobs back, along with the nipples I no longer have. Oh and at least I would have feeling and not dead skin.

My hands, arms, feet, and legs are constantly tingling and have a burning sensation that I have learned to live with, but secretly curse it all the time and scream inside to scare it away. It doesn't hear me.

My right arm and side swells so much when I do any activity, becoming so painful that I just want to stop. I try and will myself to push through it - sometimes I succeed and sometimes I give in.

My brain loses thoughts and words and sentences in conversation. I struggle with memory constantly. Not helpful in my working environment or outside.

I am mutilated inside and out.


Today was test number two and the numbers had to at least double from Friday. My blood work done and waited for the call later.

I knew instantly when I answered and heard my doctor's voice that it was over. Just from his hello I was going to throw up, and it took all I had in my being to keep it in and not vomit all over my desk and self.

I was told to call when I get my first period and we will set up an appointment to talk about what happened and other options. I just said OK, when I already know in my mind this was our only shot of having our very own children; there is no more money to try again.

I held it together. Grabbed my car keys, walked out of my office and took the long walk to my car to call Jeremy.

He knew almost instantly, and we sat there in silence while tears just kept falling. I had no words. He apologized he wasn't home and out of town for work til Thursday over and over. Secretly I wanted to beg him home, but that doesn't fix it. I said its OK.

And now cancer has taken my opportunity to have my very own children. I quit.


I am out walking the dogs and this awesome sadness hits me like a train wreck and I can't stop sobbing no matter how hard I try. My dogs have no idea what to do as I just collapse and sit on the sidewalk and sob. They lay down next me, comforting me in my sorrow.

I never really thought about children in such a concrete, realistic way. It was more of, eh, its ok, I don't want them,  it would cramp my lifestyle, I like coming and going as I we please. But once Jeremy and I decided to do this it all became more real. Then we passed the first blood test with a positive and it was reality, even though we knew it wasn't all in the clear. We talked about everything that we were going to do with them.

I realized on my walk, at that moment, the experiences are what I will miss....what we will miss.  I couldn't wait to teach them to shoot a rubber band without snapping their thumb; to skip a rock on the lake with such gracefulness and skill; to do a somersault; to create giggles from rolling down the hill; to appreciate everything and never take anything for granted; to celebrate successes; and to learn from failure, the most important. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

I want so badly to quit.....

Choices can be difficult.


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