Pre-op with Dr. Havard - The Plastic Surgeon

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

So, today was my last day of doctor visits before surgery. A relief and also my anxiety.  That means it is really happening, I am going through with it, no turning back now – well I could if I wanted to, but really, why would I?

I have decided that I absolutely love Dr. Havard and his awesome staff. Anca, his assistant is absolutely adorable, pleasant, nice, really nice, and easy to talk to. She made it easy to just talk and ask my dumb list of questions.

1.      So how much can I ‘really’ move my arms?

2.      How long til I can drive?

3.      Do I have to buy some stupid special bra that costs me an arm and a leg?

4.      Surgery is how long?

5.      Can I be home alone the first night? What am I going to need, except sleep?

6.      What about softball, how long will I be out?

7.      Let’s talk about the pain again?

8.      Can I get out of the hospital the next day? I really want out of the hospital the next day. What do I have to do to get out of the hospital the next day?

9.      So, while I am out, can you just throw in an eyelid lift so I look ten years younger? He didn’t see a need.

10.  Will there be a computer available so I can update my blog and let everyone know things went well? Hmmmm…. “Possibly,” she says…… YEAH for me!

My biggest question was still all bottled up and not sure I want to share it here either, so I will think on it some more as I share other stuff. I eventually asked, she laughed at me hysterically, for a few minutes… ha.

Now, mind you, this is it, this is the last meeting before we start cutting so all of my insecurities, fears, and questions need to come out. I learned some other very interesting things.

1.      My surgery is scheduled at 7:30am and they have two and a half hours on the books for it. That isn’t long at all and amazing they can do it in that time.

2.      They will cut my peck muscle (from underneath my armpit, inside not out), insert the saline expanders (boobs) and then fill them to as much as they can without popping the stitches – that could hurt. So my boobs will be from 50cc’s to maybe even 200, now that would be great.

3.      I will have a drain tube on either side of me, along with a pain machine that has five days worth of pain meds that will continually pump so I will be relieved of pain without the grogginess and constipation of pain pills. I need to still eat fiber to help and thanks to my wonderful co-workers, I am pretty sure I got that covered.

4.      I will be bandaged up and won’t get those off until the drain tubes come out so about 7-10 days, no showers for me – YUCK! Apparently they don’t know me very well and how I take at least two showers a day and I CANNOT even go without a shower when I am camping – thus the reason for a shower tent! I know make fun, but I am cleaner than you are…..

5.      And then in three weeks after I will get my first 50cc’s injected into the temporaries. Apparently there is something medal and the needle finds in underneath my skin and that is how she knows to start pumping it in. Right through my chest. It is absolutely amazing! I won’t feel anything, at least I better not, for there might be a ton of screaming if I do. I will see.  And then I can go back to “normal” activity in six weeks. You know he should really get to know me better because normal for me and normal for most are just not the same. I asked about soccer and he just gave me a look. I think that means no….. but, what about?

6.      Then after they get to the size I want, then we talk permanents and I am shooting for January so I am ready by softball season. Dr. Havard doesn’t think it will happen with all the holidays in there, but he just doesn’t know me and when I get something in my head, it WILL happen and there is no stopping me. And when I get the permanents, for most people it is four weeks and then normal activity. For me, because I am a softball coach and player and those are “normal” activities, he is going to double it. Eight weeks, are you kidding me! Well, even more reason to get it done in January so I can start hitting and throwing. Oh, then he said, well we can wait until after softball season….. Again, he should REALLY get to know me better because if he did he would understand that I have MY softball season and I WILL be playing this next season – duh! I got another look, he tried to tell me January may not happen again, but I just said, “uh-huh, OK, sure.” I know better.

And that is that, nothing more to be done, but…………to wait – not my favorite part, though I will manage. Tomorrow night Jeremy comes home, can’t wait…… but I know I have to. All this waiting can really wear on a person. May I suggest a fast forward button be invented….. yesterday?

 

Perspective

A Woman undergoing Cancer treatment,
Who was loosing the battle against her illness,
woke up one morning,
Looked in the mirror,
And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
...Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.'
So she did And She Had A Wonderful Day.

The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror,
And saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
'H-M-M,' she said,'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.'
So she did And She Had A Grand Day.

The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror,
and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
'Well,' she said,'today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.'
So she did And She Had A Fun, Fun Day.

The next day she woke up,
Looked in the mirror,
 and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
'YEA!' she exclaimed,
'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary,
For everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Live simply,Love generously,Care deeply,Speak kindly.......Leave the rest to God"

Blood Work

Alright, we are one week until my big surgery! Excitement, nervousness, tons of anxiety. I have all of my pre-op stuff to do, register, give blood, meet with doctors; the usual. Today I went up to the hospital to give my blood and it another interesting moment with this issue.

I go to the register, tell them my name, she looks for my order, and can’t find it of course. She asks me over and over if I really am supposed to do this, am I sure I am in the right place, on and on.

“I can call my doctor’s office if you want me to?” I ask. She says no and finally picks up the phone to call the lab. Amazing how making some effort  gets you to a better place. They have my order. WOW!

We move to the insurance part, this is my favorite part. She only has my husbands. I have been going to Samaritan this entire time and everyone else has both insurances, why wouldn’t you? Everything is connected right? My MRI, admitting for surgery, the biopsy, all had both so why wouldn’t you? I gave it to her, she made a copy, took forever to enter in the information, and I could finally get to the lab. Apparently they don’t understand I have to get to work and need to save as much leave as possible – I am thinking I will carry a sign, yes? No?

So, get to the lab, get right in, blood pressure is up because I just want to get out and on with things, she pokes me and I am done. By this time my attitude stinks! I walk out and on my way out, he is sitting there, daughter in lap. He sure looks great after all he has been through, I can’t get over it. We smile at each and say hello with the ‘how are you’s,’ what are you doing here’s (Jeremy hadn’t told him yet), and he says I am in his prayers. They call his name to go back and give blood. “Bye, take care!”

 You see, he has his own battle with cancer – brain. He is much younger, has a great wife and children, and he is here for his routine blood work that he has a couple times a month. His life has been completely turned upside down, inside out, and chaotic. And here I am, feeling sorry for myself, in a hurry, getting angry and losing control, my issue is small in comparison…..

One would think I’d get it by now.

The Card

Friday, September 24th, 2010

High School football games are tradition, family, friends, and of course, football. Jeremy and I decided to go to Philomath to watch them take on the Cheesemakers (what an interesting name, but that's another post).

I am a little apprehensive because I don't want anyone to feel "weird" around me, like I have some disease, or think it will catch if I stand too close. Or feel sorry for me. We are all dealt cards and mine just happened to be the dreaded breast cancer card - stupid. It was wonderful to see some of the players, get updates of things and laugh and laugh and laugh. They have a way of doing that, what a lucky person I am.

But you knew they all wanted to ask how I was, is it going to be ok, will you be back, and more stares. Were they surprised I was my same self, smiling, laughing, preaching, and more preaching. Was I supposed to change somehow and become something else? I didn't supercede either, just let them try and see if they could get the words out, they couldn't but one..... oh Brooke, how I appreciate your candor..... but it did take you awhile to get it out, I knew you would eventually, "Your thingy...." she says.

"No, Brooke, it isn't a thingy, but rather breast cancer. It's ok to say." You won't catch it, or hurt my feelings.

But earlier in the night, I get the most wonderful gift, nothing extravagant, spectacular, or expensive, but one of the best gifts - The Card. Now, this isn't just any old card, but one filled with a lot of love and compassion for their coach that made them do belly crawls in the mud, 1000 jumping jacks, over the line, CIRCUITS, and Cinco de Mayo celebrations - not things that are all loved equally, but a part of a really great season of growth. I was shocked, happy, and grateful that I was thought about. I never expected it. I couldn't read The Card right there,  I would have cried, not because I was sad, but because I was thought of. It can be an overwhelming feeling, to be cared about by others. Missy, Charisa, Stueve and Bri gave it to me, I hugged them.





You see as a coach you teach the game and pound those fundamentals into their heads and bodies until they perform to their highest possible level. You always get the, "But, I can't do it!"

We don't allow that word on our softball field but rather, "I can," and "I will." My objective is the game and what it takes to beat your opponent. My bigger objective is pushing your limits and building my players' character and inner strength.

There is character abound tonight on the Philomath track, football game in gear, cheering and laughing erupting everywhere. This is tradition, family and friends, and I have The Card.

"I CAN and I WILL!" are all I need to know.

The Date

Friday, September 24th 2010

And we have a date people, how exciting, scary, nerve wracking, no turning back, wait ...... a date - Tuesday, October 5th. Someone cancelled, Pam held it for me and asked, I made some calls, called her back and we will make it work. Jeremy is out of town that week, but I don't want to wait any longer and second guess my decision, so I will live with Jeremy being gone. The support system is so fantastic that I will be taken care of and if anything happens, he is only in Portland and can get here in an hour if need be.

YEAH a date, it is time to celebrate now! And get everything ready so I can be incapacitated for awhile.

The Advocate

Thursday, September 23rd, 2010

Advocates are wonderful. They are there to show you things that you might miss because all of this can be so overwhelming. Each of us should use them more in times of crisis so we don't re-create the wheel. There is something to be said of those that have gone before us.

We meet at 2:30 and just start from the beginning. She really cares about what I am going through and wants to listen, it isn't her job but her passion. There isn't really much more to tell than that of what I already knew. There are mentors they will set me up with, support groups to go to, and others who will help guide me. She gave me so much information and I am in the process of reading all of it, but it is alot. And then we talk the surgeon.

I learn that my plastic surgeon is straight, to the point, and by the book. He does great work, but you have to be willing to listen and stay on top of his rules. He slack, he isn't shy and will let you know it. More simplicities. If you don't like that kind of bedside manner, then I should go and find someone else. Joanne is going to have Caron give me a call, she is someone who had Dr. Faddis and Havard and can give me insight into her process. I leave, pleased with the outcome.

Caron called me that night I was headed out the door to go and watch Jeremy play some softball down at Timberlinn. I normally don't answer the phone when I don't know the callers, but lately I haven't known any of them. And we talk.

She tells me her process and how she was scared, and had that overwhelming feeling as well. She would get through it. See there is a bigger secret about Caron, she is an amazing woman. She had colon cancer two years prior, hysterectomy, and now this and her attitude was wonderful, and catchy. She told me the same things about Dr. Havard that Joanne did, and she said it was wonderful.

She gave me insight into things I never could see... such as nipples. Now this is the one thing I seriously have been fretting about this entire time because without them it would just look funny, and how would they make them, would it look natural? Hahahaha, this is where the insight comes in. She asks me if she could be candid, and of course she can, I want that.

"So, I was a teacher for 25 years for 7th graders, and I was constantly worrying about nipping out and 7th grade boys staring at my chest. I would search for bras to hide them. Now, I have the smoothest chest imaginable and it looks good in everything."

Perspective is key and fascinating.

Ready, set.... NO!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

First I want to say THANK YOU to everyone and all for your great messages, thoughts, words of encouragement and more. They are appreciated more than you know.

So, today. It has been one of great emotion. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I cried, I paced, and I thought, oh how I thought. You know when you make that decision, the one you have been tossing around in your head over and over again until you can’t toss no more? Right, you know? So, I made mine with last night’s post and yet I had buyer’s remorse….. We have all had it, and it can be an awful feeling. Something was tugging at me that maybe I wasn’t there yet, or something just wasn’t quite right with my decision…. Something was, ummmm, missing.

I woke up this morning, well not really woke up for I wasn’t asleep, but rather decided to get up from bed and take a walk with the dogs. They were ready, well they are always ready, I was restless, and besides the alarm had already gone off and I was just laying there. You see my normal routine is alarm off at 4:45, husband gets up, I get up right after, take the dogs for nice walk, relax and get ready for work. So, I am walking the dogs, and we are walking, and walking probably an hour or so, and my decision is haunting me.

I get a phone call around 8:05am and it is Joanne Stutzman from Samaritan and she is part of some breast cancer support staff function through my oncologist’s office. I apologize for I don’t know yet her full title, but she is there to help me muck through the swamp.  We talk. And talk. I was thankful, yet overwhelmed. I meet with her tomorrow at 2:30 to really go over things, and I remember one other bit of information from the very long conversation, and she said it much more eloquently than I am going to now, for I am just going to throw it out there. She wants me to know that Corvallis doesn’t have all the resources one might need to get through this although there are many. And wants me to know Dr. Faddis, my oncologist is one of the very best, but in the reconstruction arena she wants to make sure I know there are others out there. ……

WHAT! The piece of my discomfort, my indecision, my remorse, right there in that one comment. What a relief, but was a blow to the decision, and here come the tears, get out the buckets! Yes, it lasted for quite awhile. I sat and let it all out with my dogs in my lap (they are NEVER allowed on the yellow chair), Gypsy (my cat) on the armrest, and Zipper (the other cat) on the floor, staring at me. I stopped sobbing eventually, maybe it was when my legs went to sleep due to the weight of the dogs on my lap (they aren’t small), and put my big girl pants on and told myself - I will find the best, I deserve the best, and will get the best to take care of me. Simple. I have control, just relax, and take control.

I got myself together, showered, called a friend, and we had lunch. Friends are amazing people, we all have them, we are them, but we aren’t all good at being friends, right? We could be better, stay in touch more, get together more, all those things we stop doing because of life, it’s normal - that’s life.

Now my lunch could have gone either way, I didn’t go into it expecting some kind of therapy out of it or any warm fuzzies, just needed something different. Now, this is a new-found friend (I am sure she will read this), one I don’t know well, but enough, that’s all, just enough to feel comfortable sitting, eating, talking. We do have things in common – we are both head coaches, love athletics, and have husbands – now there’s a lasting friendship, right? We talked shop for I am helping her put on a tournament and getting my duties to make sure I help her make it the best it can be. We laugh, and that felt good, just to laugh, and about something other than cancer. But then she did something I really didn’t expect and didn’t know I needed, she says, “So HOW are you?” And we dropped shop, and talked.

How did I feel, how is Jeremy doing, what are your next steps, are you Ok, want a drink? All things that we need at times like this, for not just me but both parties. We talked about things I didn’t even realize I felt or knew, about things that really were dumb but  I felt them anyways, about me, really about the inside of me. Not interrupted, no distractions, just focused. I walked away feeling like I had a plan, but for what? It didn’t matter, I gained more strength. I am in control, take control.

At 4:00pm I, along with my sister, met with Dr. Faddis. This appointment was originally scheduled to make my decision and get it on the books so we were ready to go. Now it was more of an informative appointment to learn about all my testing.

1)      My MRI showed an issue in my left breast (this would be the other one) and we would want to get an ultrasound on it and go from there. If I chose mastectomy then we won’t do anything for it will all be coming out anyway.

2)      My BRCA test results are not back yet, we are still waiting.

3)      If “chemo” is something I have to do because of my oncotype (refer to my first or second post for explanation), it would be some kind of estrogen blocker (Tomoxofin – not sure how to spell it)because of my high levels of estrogen and chemo if need be. This could send me into menopause, I will have symptoms as such.

4)      My sister needs to be tested, it does run in families. I hope she does that.

5)      My HER-2 test was negative. The doctor gave me a “pound” so I am sure that is terrific!

6)      We set the date for surgery, but that will be changing, so I won’t list it.

7)      He set me up with an appointment to meet a radiation oncologist so I can become more educated before I follow through with any decision.

8)      I learned that most women in my age group decide to do a double mastectomy and reconstruction due to our decades of life left to live.

9)      He said I am doing really well with all of this. I smiled.

Tomorrow I meet Joanne. Somehow I have a new found strength - thank you friend.