Thursday, January 20, 2011


Well, people today is the day. Anxiety galore, I don't want to do it, I am despising this whole process. I haven't slept, I want to sleep and pills don't work when your brain WILL NOT shut off.

So yesterday, I met Dr. Lee, oh how I have fallen in love with her, and she is leaving, I hate it! I didn't care for her much in the beginning but now I appreciate her.

Dr. Onwere never called her, so she has no idea what he told me, but she also felt the same, I should continue with the Taxotere, and get me through this. She thinks I won't have a reaction during the chemo, but is over 50% sure I will have a delayed reacation like before. As soon as I get a rash I have to call her to get on prednisone to try and combat it. oh god, please no. I don't know if I can live through another one. There aren't any choices but to quit, I can't quit, I don't quit anything, ever, so quitting isn't an option. So, I am counting down to next Friday when my welts will break out, I am sure. Stress and sleep contribute to break outs so my goal is to de-stress and SLEEP! I have yoga two days next week and I will take my sleeping pills and force sleep at night.

The worst reaction is my airway closing up, but I do have an inhaler for an onset, but if it doesn't help I have to go straight to the ER, do not pass go and collect my $200 (although that would help since each ER visit is $100 unless they admit me, sometimes insurance isn't good to me), and with my little working and littler money, our financial situation isn't so great. My biggest fear is being sent to collections for bills, so hopefully we are able to ward off that happening. I guess losing power, electricity and water would be bad too, but that is harder to do. Something will come along. Next month will be our hardest one. I will not quit, we will not quit, and there is an end in site, I see the light.

On another note, softball open cages has started and it was way fun to get out to the cages and talk to the girls, give them their workouts, and just laugh. I think that will get me through this the fastest. Doing what you love even if your life isn't so great, helps a ton! It will be harder this year without much time off, and my own guilt about not being at work, but I need this therapy, I think having it to look forward to and having a goal to be done before actual season start, February 28th, has been good for my healing. I have had setbacks, I should be done by now, oh well. Each time there is a setback I re-evaluate, and make another time line. Goals are good.

Keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and whatever other means you have to send positive energy to my healing. All of it has to be helping. OK, breathe, relax, you can do it, control only what you can and leave the rest. Karma, if ever there was a time to need you, now is good.

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