We are Going for It!

It's a Monday, phone rings, I answer. 

"Hi Stephanie, this is Sara with Oregon Reproductive Medicine and you owe $360 to freeze and store your eggs for another year."

"Oh, um, I am going to have to call you back and talk to my husband to even see if we are going to use them." More pleasantries, I hang up.

I dial, music plays.....he answers...

"So, I need you to take a minute, step away from whatever you are doing for I need your undivided attention for this conversation."

"OK."

I sighed, stammered, didn't know where to begin, I just start..."so I got a call from the egg place and we need to start paying for my egg freeze and store now. I don't want to pay it or hold on to them anymore if we are not going to use them, it seems dumb to waste the money. I know you have been on the fence about it because of what I have to do to my body to get there and the consequences that could happen. So, if you don't want to, I get it, but we need to have this discussion now and make a decision."

I was prepared for the long pause, the discussion points, and the indecisiveness. We have had this talk many times. Jeremy doesn't have any desire to be a single father. All the hormones could bring the cancer back starting the battle again and the possibility of losing the fight…..….Does having a baby outweigh this risk?

There was no pause, not even to breathe.

“Let’s do it.”

“What, are you sure, no discussion, just yes???”

“Yes, let’s do it.”

“OK, and the money, it isn’t cheap?”

“I don’t know, we’ll figure it out.”

  -----

We figured it out.....

We applied for and got approved for a personal loan the very next day.  We called Oregon Reproductive Medicine, to find out when we could start…. Appointment #1 scheduled - October 24^th, 2013.

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We still hadn’t really told anyone. Almost like we had to keep it all a secret or it might not happen, as if the thought of yes could somehow become no. Does that happen? The percentages are not great with IVF, about 60%, and with my age I am sure it may slough off a little more. I want to shout it, and post it, and let everyone know, but there are too many what-ifs at this point to know for sure, exactly if this is happening.

But, I wanted and needed to tell my mom our plan, our final decision, to go ahead with all of this and try. I wasn’t getting any younger and this is what Jeremy and I have wanted since the beginning. I show up at her house, “So mom, I have some news…..”

Instantly she says to me, “That is so great Steph,” the tears start, the hugs,”  I can try and help with the money, get it out of my retirement, I have a little bit in savings, I can give you some every month. I just wish I had it for you.”

I laughed at her and said we had it all figured out. But I appreciated her great willingness to help us.

You see, what is so amazing and wonderful about my mother is she doesn't have a lot but is always willing and wanting to help her children out, doing so with whatever means possible. She has always been this way, and is the true epitome of unconditional love, with never a string attached to her giving. I want to be that for my children. I could never repay my mom for all that she has done for me in my life, but she wouldn't want me to either, she does it because she loves me. I am pretty lucky….and appreciate her more than she could ever imagine.

It all was feeling a little more real, like this is really happening….but there were still so many unknowns that it wasn't quite set in stone.

------ 

Appointment #1, Dr. Bankowski. He goes over everything – the how’s, what’s, when’s, where’s, and more. We get our next appointment figured out, and lucky me, I am just now on day 3 of my cycle so all the tests can happen much faster. Yes, this is good, we don't want to think about it anymore, we just want to move on…..Back next week for my “practice run” of the egg transfer....nothing but nerves.

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Mock transfer day. Yippee! It has to work great, it will work great, there will be no issues. I just feel it.

Let me tell you, here is the absolute worse part – You must show up with a FULL bladder. Ugh.

Well, when we get to our appointment, the first thing I want to do is head to the restroom but remember at the very last minute, ”NO, hold it!” So, I head on in to the waiting room and wait. Man my bladder is full.

I hear my name, get up, shuffle on over to the door. I get undressed, assume the position and we begin. All goes smoothly, no hiccups, the practice was a success! I will need acupuncture to help with blood flow in my right ovary leading up to and on the day of egg transfer, but that was the only pre-qualifier. This will help to get that ovary a little more motivated to pump. Let’s hope.

Jeremy and I also have some blood drawn for genetic testing to see if either of us carries the same recessive gene that we could pass on to our unborn baby. I guess when you are spending this kind of money the more information one can get, the better.

That first practice run and appointment = $1,275.00. Jeremy and I just looked at each other, took a deep breath and paid it. This is going to be expensive, and we knew it, but so worth it when we become pregnant. Nothing but positive thoughts.

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Another Monday, phone rings, “hello?”

“Hi Stephanie, we have the results of your genetic tests, and neither of you carry any of the recessive genes we tested for, so all is fine.”

Dead silence, I sobbed.

I don’t know why I cried so much, maybe it is the relief of all the obstacles disappearing – the money, the transfer, the genetics – all of it perfect and paving a path to having a child of our own. It seems more real, it is really happening.

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And now back to Monday, these could start to be great days. My cycle has started, it’s day 3 and I start on birth control pills to create a predictable body. I will take these until December 16^th and stop, skipping the placebo pills in the pack, moving right on through to the next package. I have my calendar, all is set and if this works, I will have the transfer on January 15^th and we could be pregnant.

With all the tests, the results are in, the funds are borrowed, we are ready. Wish us luck, pray, toss a penny in a fountain, cross your fingers, or whatever it is when you want to send some great positiveness to someone in need. We sure could use it. The success rate doesn’t lean itself to awesomeness, but we are giving it all we got and always could use your energy in willing this along.

We have just one more test….. two pink lines please?

I can't do it.......YET!

I am struggling. Struggling with self-image, struggling with fatigue, struggling with fat-ness, struggling with worth. I have been for awhile, and I have let it control me. My moods, attitude, missteps. I virtually hate everything about me, dreading every day of having to get up and put clothes on, that don't look good in the first place, this thing called My Body. Yuck, tears, tantrums, fits, tired. 

I got a facebook message from Traci - "Hey don't know if you are still interested in CrossFit but Fitness Experience has become a CrossFit affiliate and adding on a Crossfit Box to the gym. Classes can be a little spendy but I live and swear by it. Let me know if you want more info...or just want to come try a class with me!"

Now, she doesn't know this, but she just may have saved me from my self-hatred, sending this one simple message. I am sure she thought I wouldn't do it, have some excuse like all the other times, but she took the effort to send it anyway. Thankful? Why yes I am - more than is imaginable. 

I went to a class Tuesday morning, April 30th, 5:15am - Fit Camp with Deana.

"Somebody shoot me!" was all that went through my mind during that hour of class, but alas, no one did pull the trigger, I lived. It was hard. And I mean the kind of hard that death is right around the corner. All my parts hurt, along with all my body issues acquired over the last two years of this fight - fat, neuropathy, lymphedema, arthritis, lack of chest muscles, hip laberal pain, I wanted to quit. The class ended, I laid there in all my bodily sweat, panting like a dog, agonizing the move to stand, my brain asking me over and over, "What have you done to yourself?!" 

I signed up to come back for more......

I made this choice on my own. No persuasion, no sales pitch like, "Hey, sign up today and you get a free personal torture session and water bottle!" Nothing like this at all, but rather, it goes to the power of one small act.

You see, I sucked! I mean really sucked! My belly was hanging out and you could see the roundness through my shirt; the weights lifted were light, if any; my squats were not squats but bending; my breathing was more like gasping, reaching for oxygen. I had no business being there. I was not in shape to do all of these brutal things, "You want me to do what?!" 

But, someone believed in me and my ability to do the task at hand. I was paid attention to and given modifications to be successful. I wasn't just a paying body in the class, I was meaningful and important, my triumph mattered. Who knew? Certainly, not me, so why would somebody else? Made no sense, but made me want to do more and be more. 

Can I say that again, "Someone believed in me!" How powerful is this? Why is it so meaningful? 

My excuses didn't work anymore, "I can't do a push-up...I can't pull myself up.....I just can't!"Someone believed in my ability enough and gave me a success plan to get there.  Not many do this for someone the first time meeting them (being genuine and not fake), especially when they give every excuse in the book. I have been given a new term, "I can't do it........YET!" 

I went to the Prep Course for Crossfit R3 on the following Saturday to learn some of the functional moves used. I wished for bullets, again, but nothing happened; I lived. 

I met Joey that day, the Crossfit guy, and he believed in me too. He wanted me to succeed. He didn't judge my broad jump in all its glory but said,"Great Job!" and other positive phrases that could possibly come out of your mouth while watching an overweight, out of shape, middle-aged, cancer survivor struggle to accomplish three sit-ups, three push-ups and 7 broad jumps for 10,000 minutes (wait, I made that number up, but it was a lot, maybe 21 minutes....). But I finished, didn't give up, wanted to, but didn't. 

And I have continued to show up for more. Yes, the first two weeks I was absolutely miserable in all senses of the word. Every body part ached, I shook when I stood, I could barely lift my arms, my body practically un-functioning, but always ready and eager to come back for more. 

In week three, I went to Fit Camp at 5:15 in the morning, soaked shirt, aching body, and came home and cried. More like sobbed standing in the shower. I couldn't stop. I don't really even know why. Ridiculous....BUT I felt progress, I saw changes in my body, I was believing in me, I  was committing to love me, not hate this disfigured body that cancer has left. I believed in Deana and Joey and Traci and everyone in my classes to help me get through this low point in my life. I truly needed THIS! 

Just three short weeks ago I was negative, hated everything, yucky, wanted to be done with everything and crawl in bed and never get up; exhausted.

I played softball. Totally unexpected right? This time it was different. Of course I will never be that young college athlete playing the hot corner again, but for me, at that moment,I was moving better, not perfect, but better. Stopped balls that I would have never gotten to before. Diving and sliding just happened, my body didn't stop me or struggle to stand after hitting the dirt. I hit the ball over an outfielders head...That hasn't happened since cancer took over my life! Best part? Not being miserable after the ground pounding my body received. Jeremy noticed and acknowledged a difference.  My heart skipped. I want him to notice me....

I was at work. Had to get under my desk to get to the computer, put my arm on my desk and just lifted myself up to standing. Froze. Tears. Lots. This great feat has never happened since my double mastectomy and reconstruction. I have always had to position myself just right to let my legs lift me.....eventually. Not anymore. 

I buttoned my jeans. I know, a big one, you are all shocked...Tears. Lots.

Jeremy touched my leg. "You are getting firmer." He noticed.  I want to be noticed by him, always. We hugged, my heart smiled.

Deana and Joey, I thank you for pushing me, modifying for me, challenging me, listening to me, believing in me. Traci, thank you for asking me to just try. Mary, thank you for your kind words from one survivor to another. 

This is week five. I am committed. I am accountable. I have no excuse. I am sore always. I am taking back control. I think......no, I do, believe in me. More please!

It's Been Awhile.....

Hello Everyone!
I feel compelled to write. I have so many thoughts that are just happening and I want to get them all down so decided to re-visit this blog and continue with my cancer journey and all the new places it has taken me. 

First, lets start with my last post and starting on the new hormone therapy....It never happened. Let's just say I was freaked out at the thought of having a shot in my belly to force menopause so I could take this other pill to stop the cancer from spreading IF we didn't kill it all with chemo. I opted to try Tamoxifen again and see what happens. If I swelled, I would consider other options. 

Tamoxifen worked, but boy does it SUCK! You just feel different. The kind of different that really cannot be put into words, just different. At this point everything is out of the ordinary, but you know that you shouldn't feel like this. I continued to take it until July 2012 and decided that my quality of life was suffering and quantity didn't really matter anymore. 

What a freaking miracle! I am not exaggerating at all when I say I noticed the effects of not taking the pill right away. The next morning after the full 24 hours off was amazing, like a fog was lifted, like I could really and truly breathe again. And, it is then that I realized what different meant because you have this new found freedom that you weren't experiencing before. Truly great. 

Having cancer sucks, but it has created open doors for myself and Jeremy (since he is a cancer survivor too), and for that I am thankful. We applied to attend an introductory camp with First Descents to learn to kayak in September of 2012 and it was amazing. Here is Jeremy and I rafting with all of the other Young Adult Cancer Survivors from Albany Group. And then me riding the waves through my first Class 3 rapid in an inflatable kayak....scary!

Then just this March, Jeremy and I had an opportunity to attend a 7-day trip in Maui to learn to surf and SUP with other cancer survivors from across the state. What an experience. I have met some amazing people through all of this, and I aspire to be amazing in this fight, but it really is humbling to hear others' stories and be a support system. I am not alone in this, there are others that get it, I mean truly get it, and for some reason it makes it all better. Not sure why but it does. A truly wonderful adventure!

While on this awesome adventure, I decided to get a tatoo....Why? I have no idea. I felt compelled, like I was supposed to mark this with some kind of body ink. I HATE tatoos, why?! I designed it to be my "logo" of sorts. It took less than 10 minutes and I screamed like a baby. Jeremy was by my side laughing at me and embarrassed by my rantings. I am OK with it, not sure I like it forever a-fixed to my body, but can't really just change my mind.

Let's talk babies.....we want a family, its no lie, but not at the expense of my life. We considered in-vitro, but Jeremy and I are scared that I won't be around to enjoy it, so we decided not to, and to try naturally. 

Well, miserable FAIL, been a year and no pregnancies.We have a slim chance to none of getting pregnant on our own, due to Jeremy's testicular cancer, and we knew that going in, but there was still hope. I am sure my weight gain and mild depression has played into all of this as well, and so I finally decided it was time to start controlling what I can and let go of all the things I cannot.......

We are now into the end of May 2013 and changes they are a happening, and I am better for it. Jeremy and I have decided to re-visit the idea of in-vitro after talking to my oncologist more about it. Tthe issue with this procedure is you give yourself hormone shots for 13 weeks and that scares the hell out of us, since my cancer is a hormone positive one! But, my oncologist has told me that doing this will only make it come back faster. Ultimately if the chemo did not kill the cancer originally, then it is just sitting their, dormant, waiting to be found - a little hide-n-seek, if you will. So, all Tamoxifen does is prolongs the "seek" part for the five years you take it and keeps Mrs. Estrogen at bay. So, whoopee, five more years I get to live. No, I would rather it come back faster and I fight it at a younger age than five years from now. So, by having these shots, it may just make the cancer appear in my blood work and we can tackle it then. Why prolong my dreams, our dream of having our own child? Dumb, really.....more on this later. 

take care

It's BA-ACK!!!!

Well, can you believe it, I was told it wouldn't happen, no way, no how, no-no....But it did, not so ecstatic about it, probably should be, but kind of happy it left.......for awhile....but you came back......Aren't periods grand......

I know probably sharing a little too much, but that is what I do, share, and this is my diary of events in my one year of cancer hell, so I need it documented. I am not sure how I feel about it. Menopause or should I say the menopause symptoms were awful going through them and now it just means I have to do it all over again. I sure am one lucky son of a gun. Hurry get the balloons and streamers...we are throwing a party......um....no. hahahahhahahahahha I really am funny.

And the worst part, or best part, or however you look at it, on July 7th I go up to Portland to start my menopause injections so I can start taking the Arimedex (the post menopause drug that helps in breast cancer recurrence rates). Again, I am on lucky duck! That was sarcasm, if you didn't catch on to that.

Let's Play Catch-up

Haven't written in awhile so thought I might update those that are patiently waiting for something to be said, or you are just plain bored and need something to read....Whichever it is, I hope I can hold your attention.

We held our Pink Out game on Wednesday, May 4th, and I felt it was a success. I had two wonderful players of past help with everything and they really pulled it all together for me. The players looked terrific in their POW shirts and hot pink socks....way to represent. I have a great picture that will have to be posted once I get it downloaded. It was wonderful to see the crowd adorned in our hot pink shirts and knowing that they each contributed to our fundraising efforts. We were able to write a check to Project H.E.R. for $500 and present it to them last week. I am very proud of the girls and the effort they put behind this.

As for the season, we lost more than we won, but it was a growing year and there are only great things to come. I feel we learned alot and there towards the end we put up some really good fights, losing to Central and Newport by only one. Those are very big accomplishments. We have our end of year party this Thursday night, with costume contest - Rocker theme. I just may dye what little hair I have and really slather on the black eyeliner, along with some kind of outfit.....who knows, I may not too.

Coaching is bitter sweet at times and when your season is done you look forward to getting back to a less hectic and busy life, but you also know those seniors that you grew to love and respect, watch mature in the game are going to be leaving. I have a really special place in my heart for these few kids and getting through the awards ceremony is going to be tough.

I won't say this year of coaching was easy, quite frankly it was downright grueling to try and work full-time and be there full-time. I managed. It was good for me. I would have just sat at home feeling sorry for myself...now who wants to do that? The coaches I talked to couldn't believe I was even out there after all I went through, some others too. Why not? I have to move on sometime and what better time to than when surrounding yourself with a bunch of female teenage athletes. I can't think of a better way to spend my time. Sure, I am a role model, but this group of young women I get to coach everyday are role models of their own.....inspiring me everyday to put one foot in front of the other and do what I love to do. Thank you.....

In the News

I was hoping with this news spot to promote our Pink Out Game on May 4th, 2011 at Philomath High School vs. Taft High School at 4pm to raise money for Project H.E.R. - our local non-profit set up to help those diagnosed with breast cancer. Didn't really happen, and it is a nice story. I don't like much talking about me, but it was nice to have the players included and get some kind of good out of it. With this link there is a video and article.

http://www.kval.com/sports/120745234.html

Horoscope and Choices

Horoscopes are funny little things. I usually ignore them. Today, for some reason I read mine. Eerily it seems to know my life:
You could be more self-protective now than anyone realizes, but your social veneer makes it look like you're fully engaged in your relationships. People close to you may be impressed with your optimistic demeanor, however, you may be reliving unexpressed hurt that continues to be recycled in your life. For now, there's no reason to change your behavior; it's okay to dance between two positions. Thankfully, you will be able to meld these disparate realities with time.

And then I found this little piece about choices - this vs. that. I will always have choices....

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important.

My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!

-- Author Unknown