The Effects

You think you are prepared, but really, you aren't. Kind of like when your dog dies of old age, you know it's coming, you know its best, but it hurts anyway, kind of the same thing..... maybe....

So, really this first session of chemo went rather well. Got a little sicky, not bad, just kept taking my anti-nausea medicine and felt pretty good. Very lethargic, not a ton of energy, takes a bit to get it all in gear, but this is something I have been used to since this whole thing started - also hard to get in gear when you hurt all over. I am past the hurt all over stage and now just chemo..... wonderful really.

In the beginning I got the really sore fingers, almost like they all were smashed at the exact same time and it hurt to grab stuff, type, touch, everything. I am 2 weeks and four days out and it is fading. My tounge also became very numb on the end which was very weird, almost like I had burned it really bad on that hot cup of coffee - oh no, just chemo..... hahahaha. My face started to clear up too which I was highly grateful for since somehow I was experiencing more zits than I had in high school - that is stupid. Chemo just dries you right up, yeah for that.

But then there is the part you know is going to happen, everyone tells you, you prepare yourself, thought I had.....nope, no such luck, sobbed like a baby - my hair.

We went and saw my doctor on Thursday, the 23rd, and she said I looked great, still had all my hair, how long has it been? She said it is about day 16 that all the hair starts to fall out. I thought, great, today is day 15. Well, yep, that night, there I am in the shower and I wash my hair, pull my hand down and it has so much hair in it. Didn't really think that much of it, but ran my hand through my hair again, and again, hair. I yelled for Jeremy, "It's really happening....." And you can't help but feel as if you lost. I thought I might be the one that didn't lose the hair, that kept it for the entire process - not this little grasshopper. What a bummer.

I just sobbed and Jeremy kept reassuring me it was going to come back and he held me. He did great, but no matter how much you tell me it is going to come back, it doesn't stop it from happening now. There are no rational thoughts in your brain in a time like this, just what is happening right now, in the moment, during that minute. Nothing else matters. My hair mattered. Looking back now, earlier that night, we watched a movie and my cat, Gypsy, was on my lap, and I was getting very annoyed with all of her hair in my face and was constantly brushing my face. When I pet her I was throwing the hair off my hand onto the floor, BUT thought it rather odd that there was no hair, but kept right on thinking it was her. Hmmmmm, start over, it was my hair falling out. Well, it was late, we went to bed, but I didn't sleep, too busy worrying about waking up in my hair on the pillow.

Got up the next morning, forgot about my hair for a minute, ran my hand through it and there it was - a handful of my hair staring at me, taunting me, daring me to do it. "Jeremy, lets do it now, I can't be cooking and moving around with all of this hair coming out everywhere." Borrowed the clippers from the next door neighbor, sat on a chair, and Jeremy shaved. I don't have a completely smooth head yet, the little hairs will eventually fall out, but at least I can say I have a nice round head.... Jeremy tells me it looks good and I should stay bald all the time.... maybe.....uhhhhh... not a chance.

You think you are prepared - ha - that is a stupid thought. Nothing prepares you for cancer..... nothing. You learn how to cope, keep getting out of bed each day, put some kind of smile on your face and go. If you didn't, I guess you could just live in bed, but that kind of life isn't so great either. I am still alive, still moving, ticking, thankful, grateful, still here. I may not be prepared, but I don't quit, anything, ever, ever, ever! So, come and get me stupid cancer, but know, you will lose by competing against me. ha.........

First Session Chemo - Hours Before

It’s like waiting for Christmas except there are no gifts, no excitement, no fun – just anxiety. Chemo is in a few hours and my nerves are on edge, my fears are at the forefront, and the tears are holding back. I know it is going to go OK, so everyone says, and I know that, but it’s the after chemo that is affecting my psyche. All the ‘what ifs’ are the problem, why can’t those thoughts just be banned from my mind? Why do they haunt me?

I am terrified I still have the staph infection lingering somewhere in my body, silent, waiting, conniving, searching for the right moment to appear on the outside – fever, swelling, redness, PAIN. Will my body be able to take it, will I fight, can I fight – ability is everything, will I still have the ability to push it away and kill it. Chemo can’t differentiate between the good and bad cells swimming in my body, so as it kills my good cells, my little warriors, it kills my ability. That is helplessness. My brain can will my body all it wants, and positive thoughts can swirl around galore, but that doesn’t make the infection go away. I need my little warriors to do that.

Stupid thoughts I have, and they just keep running through my mind. What if it kills me, what if I get so sick I am in the hospital forever, will Jeremy still be here – will he want to, will I be done with this in a year and go back to normal, will I play softball again, competitively of course? Right now, nothing seems like it will be back to normal, nothing feels like it is progressing to the right place. I need to sleep more, need to relax more, need something more.

I had those other thoughts again too – the “why me” ones, that always creep in. What did I do, why pick me to go through this over someone else, am I really that bad? And I know it is nothing I did, I get that, but it doesn’t stop those negative thoughts from creeping in and ruining your positive outlook you are trying to have. I contemplated a stomping mat for myself as I did for my high school team last year, the girls stomped on it to symbolize beating one of our rivals – DIRT – the name of the actual team will remain anonymous. Maybe that is what I need to get through this, something to spit on, step on, kick, that symbolizes me kicking cancer’s ass.

On a great note, I am looking forward to getting back involved with my coaching at Philomath. Saw all the girls yesterday and they make me laugh, a lot. To be that age again, when all you care about is hanging out, a little homework, athletics, and having fun. There aren’t any cares at all, no real responsibility. Coaching them and being around them gives me that feeling for a small fraction of time, and I appreciate it. Besides, I love coaching, love the game, love learning what motivates one over the other. For me, more than ever, there are no obstacles that can’t be overcome. Maybe, somehow, my fight will carry over into the season, and will spark a new sense of fight and passion within the players –  we will beat DIRT, and all others, because the fear of “I CAN’T,” has left the field, only to be replaced with, “I CAN,” and “I WILL!”

So, here goes nothing folks, off to chemo and the unknown. Should I throw a party?

Let the Chemo Begin

Today had my appointment with Dr. Muth, my infectious disease doctor to determine if I am ready for chemo. My blood work is great, I feel great, I am healthy right?

I really love this doctor and he really does take the time to understand what is going on. And at this point the infection looks as if it is under control and we can move on BUT, it laid dormant before and who says it can't do it this time? And this time chemo will have my body and so my white blood count will be down and these are used to fight infection and if my little staph decides to rear its ugly head that could be bad. Talking hospital, very sick, and is it worth it? Dr. Muth still wants me on antibiotics for the next two weeks in a pill form but my PICC is coming out after my first round of chemo because that can have its own nasty little infection occurrence as well so as long as I am not on IV antibiotics it is best it comes out. And then from here on out I will have an IV stuck each time I do chemo.

It is a double edge sword because I need to start chemo but this infection needs to be gone and the only way to tell is time and a doctor's best educated guess. At this point I will start chemo on Thursday and then every three weeks I will have another dose of chemo for a total of four sessions and hope the infection has been destroyed. I am terrified of the possibility of it coming back, it could be deadly if I don't pay attention and catch it in time.

I will pay attention.

Post Surgery Follow-up

So, left expander is out, feel good, went and saw the plastic surgeon today - Dr. Havard. Everything looks good (well good as can be expected with just skin there and nothing else, oh... and stiches, tape and boy is it ugly).

So, he wants to continue to fill up the right one so the skin keeps expanding - three more to go - and it will be official... .I will be lop-sided. See, right now it isn't that bad, but once the right one gets bigger, it will become more noticeable. Oh, I know, you are saying, just put in a fake boob... Really, it is that easy right, just plop it in. Not sure it is that easy, but it will be my reality, yeah. So, this lop-sided-ness will last for six months and then we will go back in, put it back and start expanding. Fun, yeah, six months. At one point I had it all figured out. The timeline, everthing. Not anymore. I had reconstruction so prosthetic boobs wouldn't be on the agenda..... I love my life.......

Hair Cover Up

Or should I say, lack of hair cover up. Decided that I don't want to wear a wig, tried on scarves and hats today. Very hard to do, but a must for someone that will lose their hair. I was good until I got there, tough as usual, you know the Stephanie that can do anything. Nope... turned into a non-stop tear fest. I guess when faced with the actual reality of an event it makes it more real. Then to make the sobbing worse, got back to work and the cutest hat and scarf were sitting on my desk, well actually on the cardboard cut-out of my face that reads, "Stephanie's special personal handy hat stand. Do not remove stand from desk please." Who wouldn't cry? The kindness of others makes the tears worse I think, why would someone do this for me and it is amazing to have others be this nice and thoughtful for me. I appreciate it all tremendously and tearfully.