You think you are prepared, but really, you aren't. Kind of like when your dog dies of old age, you know it's coming, you know its best, but it hurts anyway, kind of the same thing..... maybe....
So, really this first session of chemo went rather well. Got a little sicky, not bad, just kept taking my anti-nausea medicine and felt pretty good. Very lethargic, not a ton of energy, takes a bit to get it all in gear, but this is something I have been used to since this whole thing started - also hard to get in gear when you hurt all over. I am past the hurt all over stage and now just chemo..... wonderful really.
In the beginning I got the really sore fingers, almost like they all were smashed at the exact same time and it hurt to grab stuff, type, touch, everything. I am 2 weeks and four days out and it is fading. My tounge also became very numb on the end which was very weird, almost like I had burned it really bad on that hot cup of coffee - oh no, just chemo..... hahahaha. My face started to clear up too which I was highly grateful for since somehow I was experiencing more zits than I had in high school - that is stupid. Chemo just dries you right up, yeah for that.
But then there is the part you know is going to happen, everyone tells you, you prepare yourself, thought I had.....nope, no such luck, sobbed like a baby - my hair.
We went and saw my doctor on Thursday, the 23rd, and she said I looked great, still had all my hair, how long has it been? She said it is about day 16 that all the hair starts to fall out. I thought, great, today is day 15. Well, yep, that night, there I am in the shower and I wash my hair, pull my hand down and it has so much hair in it. Didn't really think that much of it, but ran my hand through my hair again, and again, hair. I yelled for Jeremy, "It's really happening....." And you can't help but feel as if you lost. I thought I might be the one that didn't lose the hair, that kept it for the entire process - not this little grasshopper. What a bummer.
I just sobbed and Jeremy kept reassuring me it was going to come back and he held me. He did great, but no matter how much you tell me it is going to come back, it doesn't stop it from happening now. There are no rational thoughts in your brain in a time like this, just what is happening right now, in the moment, during that minute. Nothing else matters. My hair mattered. Looking back now, earlier that night, we watched a movie and my cat, Gypsy, was on my lap, and I was getting very annoyed with all of her hair in my face and was constantly brushing my face. When I pet her I was throwing the hair off my hand onto the floor, BUT thought it rather odd that there was no hair, but kept right on thinking it was her. Hmmmmm, start over, it was my hair falling out. Well, it was late, we went to bed, but I didn't sleep, too busy worrying about waking up in my hair on the pillow.
Got up the next morning, forgot about my hair for a minute, ran my hand through it and there it was - a handful of my hair staring at me, taunting me, daring me to do it. "Jeremy, lets do it now, I can't be cooking and moving around with all of this hair coming out everywhere." Borrowed the clippers from the next door neighbor, sat on a chair, and Jeremy shaved. I don't have a completely smooth head yet, the little hairs will eventually fall out, but at least I can say I have a nice round head.... Jeremy tells me it looks good and I should stay bald all the time.... maybe.....uhhhhh... not a chance.
You think you are prepared - ha - that is a stupid thought. Nothing prepares you for cancer..... nothing. You learn how to cope, keep getting out of bed each day, put some kind of smile on your face and go. If you didn't, I guess you could just live in bed, but that kind of life isn't so great either. I am still alive, still moving, ticking, thankful, grateful, still here. I may not be prepared, but I don't quit, anything, ever, ever, ever! So, come and get me stupid cancer, but know, you will lose by competing against me. ha.........
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