The right one is killing me! And I really mean it. You know I am in week two from my last chemo and I should really be on the home stretch people. No issues, starting to feel better and then my nose, or nostril, starts hurting. I think it started Monday, but maybe it was Sunday, who knows. But Tuesday, just sitting here at work, it starts aching so bad, I can't take it no more and I am calling the doctor.
Now when I call, I am a little embarrassed, right? Who wouldn't be? It goes something like this...
"Thank you for calling blah, blah blah, how can I help you?"
I say, "Can I talk with Dr. Lee's nurse?"
"What is this regarding?"
Long Pause...um, how do I answer..."well, uh, my nose is killing me." Yep, that is what I said...
Another long pause, and then I continue with an explanation of how my nose has kind of hurt through the whole process of chemo due to my nose hairs falling out and the sensitivity that happens and.... she cuts me off.
"You need to talk to Dr. Lee right away. I will send you to her voicemail in Albany and she will call you back."
"OK," I said. Then I hear a ring and another woman answers and I am dreading having to say my nose hurts again, but she asks, but first, of course, I want to know why I didn't go to her voicemail. So the woman takes my message and about two minutes later the doctor is calling.
Yep it hurts, yep its red, yep its like one big sore all over my right nostril.... And now I am taking yet, another pill - Hallelujah! I have an infection in my nose, and it traveled up my nose and down into my gums and mouth, the whole right side of my face was swollen up like the elephant man yesterday. I didn't sleep at all, even after taking three percocets to stop the pounding pain. I was not a pretty site. I stayed home from work again - I hate it. But I would have been of no use, what, no sleep and throbbing pain.
Stayed in bed til noon, well after I got up a couple times to let the dogs out, watched the taped Bachelor from the night before, went back to bed, got up at 3:30 and thought I should walk the dogs, because my nose felt better. hahahaha NO WAY did it feel better. As long as I don't move and stay in bed it feels better. But I made myself walk the dogs, only around the big block and wouldn't you know it, the rain came pounding down on me and the dogs. My nose is killing me!!!! And back to bed.
Well, today I am so much better, knew I would be and just had to sleep it off AND... take more pills. Came to work, doing good except my eye lids are so swollen, not sure why, but I am functioning today. But in the moment I just wanted to shoot myself. I am tired of feeling pain, tired of knowing pain, tired of dealing with pain. All that comes to mind is - If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger....so true, so true, I am still alive!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Grandma
Holding grudges is stupid....almost as stupid as cancer.....no, I say just as stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! No one lives forever just get over it and move on.
I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.
She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.
She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.
She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.
I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.
I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles.
When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.
It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.
Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar, sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.
Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.
****************************************************************************
Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......
I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.
She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.
She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.
She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.
I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.
I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles.
When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.
It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.
Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar, sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.
Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.
****************************************************************************
Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......
Friday, February 18, 2011
Review, Review, Review.....
I think I have fixed them all! Well, let's be real, probably not, but trying to....
So, I decided to read through some of my posts and noticed some HUGE editing errors. Seriously, I write "know" when I mean "no" and there and their used in wrong places. What is wrong with my spelling. Know is when you realize something and have knowledge, while No is the opposite of Yes - duh! And over there verses their possessions. There refers to a "place" while Their refers to something "owned." And many other mistakes, totally embarrassing, but have been fixed, or so I hope. I am sure I will find more, I didn't read every post.....
Happy Reading!
So, I decided to read through some of my posts and noticed some HUGE editing errors. Seriously, I write "know" when I mean "no" and there and their used in wrong places. What is wrong with my spelling. Know is when you realize something and have knowledge, while No is the opposite of Yes - duh! And over there verses their possessions. There refers to a "place" while Their refers to something "owned." And many other mistakes, totally embarrassing, but have been fixed, or so I hope. I am sure I will find more, I didn't read every post.....
Happy Reading!
Raising Your Awareness of Self
This will make you laugh, smile, cry, and all other emotions. Watch until the end and see how this dog is helping with raising money for breast cancer. Love it!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
What Do We Want?
Strength does not come from winning
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength.
I had a moment today, sad really that my minutes have come to this.
I was feeling better after chemo #4 and slept in until my inside clock told me to wake up. I have decided while going through all of this I will not set an alarm, I will not rush myself, I will move when my body says move. It has been helpful at times, but then very panicky at others for I just want to get up early and be well rested to go to work. So, I roll my eyes open at whatever time it was and do a body check. You know what that is, right? You are lying there, don't move and just kind of let your mind float over your parts to check in and see how they are feeling. I must say I felt OK, still some aches but I can manage. I get up, take the dogs out, eat some oatmeal for breakfast, and get ready to go to work, because I am going to today, nothing is going to stop me....and I mean nothing....no really, nothing at all, I am going....... And then I see it, my image, and that can stop me....dead in my tracks really.
I am still not used to the peach fuzz filled head, the swollen face, the eyes with huge bags under them, the pot-belly, one "boob" sitting on the right, the other "boob" just a bunch of skin waiting to be filled on the left. The stitch marks across where my nipples should be, all hideous to the sight, and all me....Wonderful, who wants to go out now into the world when you have this to work with? Pick someone else please, I don't want to go.
And did I mention the 20 pounds I have so quickly and elegantly put on? The weight that has accumulated somewhere in the belly region and won't allow me to button up my pants, and look even tighter than before. So what to wear, standing there, staring in the closet at all the clothes that line the racks and not of one of them do I want to wear. I don't want to be stuffed into some article of clothing, I want to be comfortable as I sit all day at my desk. But, I also want to feel like I have done something with myself when others come in. Although I really don't care, do I? I will wear this, grab something, put it on, and get out the door. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I have to go to the pharmacy to get my Tomoxafin (however you spell it), the pill I will take everyday for the next five years. That is 365 days per year at five years, and equates to 1,825 days and I have been taking them since Saturday night, that is, uh, .... three doeses thus far. "Stupendous!" I say, "only 1,822 days to go." But who's counting.
And for some reason as I am leaving the pharmacy, heading to the car to go to work, my eyes begin to well right up, the faucet has turned on. And this overwhelming feeling just sweeps over me because I have to do this for five years. And then all the other stupid thoughts.... will I live five years more? what if it comes back? I really wanted children of my own? Why does Jeremy stay? Did I really park like that? And the inevetible....."Why me?"
I sat in the car, crying.....And why not, I cried some more.
Not alot is done with those that sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I don't want to be one of those but at times I find that I do. At this point I have nothing more to fight with - the chemotherapy, I have nothing more to wait for - the chemotherapy, I have no more to be fearful of - the chemotherapy. It is done, I am cancer-free, right? It seems I have this big job to fill - being an inspiration and role model for many..... I don't want the job anymore, it is overwhelming. How can I possibly have bad days, everyone is watching. I have to button up and "Be INSPIRATIONAL!" Can we trade places?
In my support group a woman said,"I am tired of everyone telling me I look great, that I have made it through and am stronger for it. I have not," she says, "I am still fighting it, still have treatment, I don't look good, I don't feel good, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, smile and step out the door. I wish they would say nothing at all." She was angry, and had the courgage to say what a lot of us in the group might want to. And all went very silent with nodding heads in agreement.....
But I have to wonder.....is that what we really want, as survivors, to then be ignored?
Be inspiring?
I just want to be normal......but there isn't one anymore, I have this NEW normal......
All of it so overwhelming........
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength.
I had a moment today, sad really that my minutes have come to this.
I was feeling better after chemo #4 and slept in until my inside clock told me to wake up. I have decided while going through all of this I will not set an alarm, I will not rush myself, I will move when my body says move. It has been helpful at times, but then very panicky at others for I just want to get up early and be well rested to go to work. So, I roll my eyes open at whatever time it was and do a body check. You know what that is, right? You are lying there, don't move and just kind of let your mind float over your parts to check in and see how they are feeling. I must say I felt OK, still some aches but I can manage. I get up, take the dogs out, eat some oatmeal for breakfast, and get ready to go to work, because I am going to today, nothing is going to stop me....and I mean nothing....no really, nothing at all, I am going....... And then I see it, my image, and that can stop me....dead in my tracks really.
I am still not used to the peach fuzz filled head, the swollen face, the eyes with huge bags under them, the pot-belly, one "boob" sitting on the right, the other "boob" just a bunch of skin waiting to be filled on the left. The stitch marks across where my nipples should be, all hideous to the sight, and all me....Wonderful, who wants to go out now into the world when you have this to work with? Pick someone else please, I don't want to go.
And did I mention the 20 pounds I have so quickly and elegantly put on? The weight that has accumulated somewhere in the belly region and won't allow me to button up my pants, and look even tighter than before. So what to wear, standing there, staring in the closet at all the clothes that line the racks and not of one of them do I want to wear. I don't want to be stuffed into some article of clothing, I want to be comfortable as I sit all day at my desk. But, I also want to feel like I have done something with myself when others come in. Although I really don't care, do I? I will wear this, grab something, put it on, and get out the door. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I have to go to the pharmacy to get my Tomoxafin (however you spell it), the pill I will take everyday for the next five years. That is 365 days per year at five years, and equates to 1,825 days and I have been taking them since Saturday night, that is, uh, .... three doeses thus far. "Stupendous!" I say, "only 1,822 days to go." But who's counting.
And for some reason as I am leaving the pharmacy, heading to the car to go to work, my eyes begin to well right up, the faucet has turned on. And this overwhelming feeling just sweeps over me because I have to do this for five years. And then all the other stupid thoughts.... will I live five years more? what if it comes back? I really wanted children of my own? Why does Jeremy stay? Did I really park like that? And the inevetible....."Why me?"
I sat in the car, crying.....And why not, I cried some more.
Not alot is done with those that sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I don't want to be one of those but at times I find that I do. At this point I have nothing more to fight with - the chemotherapy, I have nothing more to wait for - the chemotherapy, I have no more to be fearful of - the chemotherapy. It is done, I am cancer-free, right? It seems I have this big job to fill - being an inspiration and role model for many..... I don't want the job anymore, it is overwhelming. How can I possibly have bad days, everyone is watching. I have to button up and "Be INSPIRATIONAL!" Can we trade places?
In my support group a woman said,"I am tired of everyone telling me I look great, that I have made it through and am stronger for it. I have not," she says, "I am still fighting it, still have treatment, I don't look good, I don't feel good, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, smile and step out the door. I wish they would say nothing at all." She was angry, and had the courgage to say what a lot of us in the group might want to. And all went very silent with nodding heads in agreement.....
But I have to wonder.....is that what we really want, as survivors, to then be ignored?
Be inspiring?
I just want to be normal......but there isn't one anymore, I have this NEW normal......
All of it so overwhelming........
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Cancer Free?
So, I think I can say it now, ok, right? Who knows, but here goes:
So after this chemo my mom took me to Philomath to meet up with Jeremy and then we went to dinner - mexican, and my mom and aunt came down to celebrate. They all had margaritas, the real ones, I had a virgin. Alcohol and all the meds they gave me don't mix and shouldn't be mixed if you want the full affect of your meds...... I didn't come this far not to.
hahahaha the saddling up, facing fears and gathering courage really works, even if it was only a pretend horse. I don't have to brush her, put the saddle away, and clean up, I can just shut off my imagination this way.... less work. Good night, and Gypsy says good night too......
"I am now CANCER-FREE and it feels good!!!!!!" at least that is what my doctor told me yesterday, so I am going to go with it, I think..... Sounds good coming out of my mouth. And here is bald me right after chemo #4. Not so pretty, VERY swollen from all the steroids, but I am HAPPY it is over. Well I still have at least the three weeks of side effects but once they are done, its done. Really, really, really.......
During this chemo we did have to stop for about 20 minutes for I was starting to get chest pains and a big lump in my throat. I took some puffs off of my inhaler, and we were back in business. They wanted to stop altogether and you can guess what I said, or maybe you can't, but here is what I was thinking but was much more polite in what I said, "We are not stopping, I can breathe, there is twenty minutes left in that bleeping thing, and I am gonna finish it." Momma didn't raise no quitter! Janelle just looked at me, and we started it back up. The feeling is still there, but it is a side effect that happens about two or three days in, but happens to be earlier. Oh well, it starts early, it finishes early.
So after this chemo my mom took me to Philomath to meet up with Jeremy and then we went to dinner - mexican, and my mom and aunt came down to celebrate. They all had margaritas, the real ones, I had a virgin. Alcohol and all the meds they gave me don't mix and shouldn't be mixed if you want the full affect of your meds...... I didn't come this far not to.
hahahaha the saddling up, facing fears and gathering courage really works, even if it was only a pretend horse. I don't have to brush her, put the saddle away, and clean up, I can just shut off my imagination this way.... less work. Good night, and Gypsy says good night too......
Courage vs. Fear and into Chemo #4
"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway." ~John Wayne
Fitting really for this entire chapter(s) of my life. I have been scared, terrified, frantic during this and somehow I didn't say no. The doctors, family, friends, husbands, dogs, cats, they don't make me do this tragic thing to my body to try and eat away any cancer still lingering. They don't handcuff me and take me in. I go, on my own two feet, no kicking or screaming, I go. Why? Because I love my family, my friends, my husband, my animals - Copper, Tikka, Gypsy, and even Zipper, my wonderful neighbors, my Philomath softball players, my city league teams, my colleagues..... essentially, I love me. And if I didn't I wouldn't do any of it. Funny what love of self and others can do for one's own courage, even through white knuckle fear.
I am headed in for Chemo #4 in two hours and 10 minutes, and I have a sense of, "Yes! I am done!" But let's not fool ourselves, well.... don't fool me, I am the one going through it. Once #4 is over, it is cumulative, stronger side effects, more joint pain, swollen mouth, feet, face, hands. Who am I kidding, what am I celebrating? "Cheers to the side effects?" I think not.... Chemo #3 really went great, no reaction like the second, terrific really, but then, uh-oh.
This last Sunday night the deep bone aches came back, my left hip was killing me, I practically needed a cane to stand and walk. My feet were swollen, my eyes were watering with goo, trying to kick a cold, and I just felt miserable. Ok, granted, I did have a very busy weekend, but I felt good while doing it, except soooooo extremely tired. I hadn't slept, I mean really sleep, the kind you wake up in the morning and you are ready to tackle the day, the good sleep.
Since Thursday, I have had non-stop hot flashes, and when I say non-stop it is no joke. I went to bed, took my anti-histamines, nerve pain pills, and my anti-anxiety pills to help shut my brain off to sleep. And then, from out of nowhere you feel a steam roller coming. It starts with an uncomfortable hot, sometimes heart pounding, and there is an untrollable need to get out of the covers and stand up and take it. And it rolls, only getting hotter and hotter, sweat is pouring, so much so at times I have to change my clothes and lay down a towel to soak up the sweat. I pace, and pace, stand outside to cool off, and then try and lay back down. No sleep comes but an hour later here comes the roller and we start all over again. Morning comes and I have had no sleep and can't funtcion. This has gone on since Thursday, and my doctor says this is a side effect. I started off as a normal 36 year old woman and instead of gradually going through it, my body just dropped to menopause NOW, there are no remedies, no cures, just have to take it like the woman I am.
Monday night I just sobbed because I was so tired and trying so hard not to wake up Jeremy - he has to be up and out of here by 5:30 every morning...one of us has to work. All I wanted was sleep, I want to go to work, I want to get this cold gone, I want to be normal. Essentially I missed three full days of work this week, and will try and make up for some hours Friday and Saturday, but I can't afford to not be there, but when you can't function, they don't want me there either. And during the day, the hot flashes hit alot more, and I just start sweating uncontrollably, and have this feeling like I am a caged animal, without a change of clothes.... oh, wait, animals don't wear clothes.... you get my point.
Enough doom and gloom, today is number four - 1 hour and 55 minutes away. I am scared, terrified, inside I am kicking and screaming, shaking, fearful, but have courage like none other. Nothing beats me without my 200% fight, it is engrained in my DNA I guess. Mom, were you part of that? Thanks.
Well, partners, I am saddling up.... although I don't have a horse, could be a problem, so let's pretend, metaphorically speaking..... I do have the hat and boots though.
Fitting really for this entire chapter(s) of my life. I have been scared, terrified, frantic during this and somehow I didn't say no. The doctors, family, friends, husbands, dogs, cats, they don't make me do this tragic thing to my body to try and eat away any cancer still lingering. They don't handcuff me and take me in. I go, on my own two feet, no kicking or screaming, I go. Why? Because I love my family, my friends, my husband, my animals - Copper, Tikka, Gypsy, and even Zipper, my wonderful neighbors, my Philomath softball players, my city league teams, my colleagues..... essentially, I love me. And if I didn't I wouldn't do any of it. Funny what love of self and others can do for one's own courage, even through white knuckle fear.
I am headed in for Chemo #4 in two hours and 10 minutes, and I have a sense of, "Yes! I am done!" But let's not fool ourselves, well.... don't fool me, I am the one going through it. Once #4 is over, it is cumulative, stronger side effects, more joint pain, swollen mouth, feet, face, hands. Who am I kidding, what am I celebrating? "Cheers to the side effects?" I think not.... Chemo #3 really went great, no reaction like the second, terrific really, but then, uh-oh.
This last Sunday night the deep bone aches came back, my left hip was killing me, I practically needed a cane to stand and walk. My feet were swollen, my eyes were watering with goo, trying to kick a cold, and I just felt miserable. Ok, granted, I did have a very busy weekend, but I felt good while doing it, except soooooo extremely tired. I hadn't slept, I mean really sleep, the kind you wake up in the morning and you are ready to tackle the day, the good sleep.
Since Thursday, I have had non-stop hot flashes, and when I say non-stop it is no joke. I went to bed, took my anti-histamines, nerve pain pills, and my anti-anxiety pills to help shut my brain off to sleep. And then, from out of nowhere you feel a steam roller coming. It starts with an uncomfortable hot, sometimes heart pounding, and there is an untrollable need to get out of the covers and stand up and take it. And it rolls, only getting hotter and hotter, sweat is pouring, so much so at times I have to change my clothes and lay down a towel to soak up the sweat. I pace, and pace, stand outside to cool off, and then try and lay back down. No sleep comes but an hour later here comes the roller and we start all over again. Morning comes and I have had no sleep and can't funtcion. This has gone on since Thursday, and my doctor says this is a side effect. I started off as a normal 36 year old woman and instead of gradually going through it, my body just dropped to menopause NOW, there are no remedies, no cures, just have to take it like the woman I am.
Monday night I just sobbed because I was so tired and trying so hard not to wake up Jeremy - he has to be up and out of here by 5:30 every morning...one of us has to work. All I wanted was sleep, I want to go to work, I want to get this cold gone, I want to be normal. Essentially I missed three full days of work this week, and will try and make up for some hours Friday and Saturday, but I can't afford to not be there, but when you can't function, they don't want me there either. And during the day, the hot flashes hit alot more, and I just start sweating uncontrollably, and have this feeling like I am a caged animal, without a change of clothes.... oh, wait, animals don't wear clothes.... you get my point.
Enough doom and gloom, today is number four - 1 hour and 55 minutes away. I am scared, terrified, inside I am kicking and screaming, shaking, fearful, but have courage like none other. Nothing beats me without my 200% fight, it is engrained in my DNA I guess. Mom, were you part of that? Thanks.
Well, partners, I am saddling up.... although I don't have a horse, could be a problem, so let's pretend, metaphorically speaking..... I do have the hat and boots though.
Friday, February 4, 2011
And.... she returns!!!!!
Well, for me it is good news, for you... not so much. Don't care what you think just that I am happy about it (ha). Dr. Lee, my medical oncologist is still here, yippee, hooray, terrific! She left Corvallis Clinic and went to Samaritan Health Services and so now I don't have to see Dr. Onwere anymore and can continue my fight with Dr. Lee.
I can say that I am two weeks out from chemo #3 and nothing really to talk about. I have gotten a cold, that sucks, so instead of just being able to fight it off, it lingers making my life a fun place to be. I just have it in my eyes and nose, and my lids have swelled right up and just want to keep my eyes closed because they burn so bad. Nothing to write about, just wanted to bore those of you that are continuing to read.... hahahaha.
I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep and I do that a lot it seems lately. Not really what I do, but when your body says stop, I decided I should listen to it. My house is a mess, the laundry is done finally, and I just want my bathrooms clean. It's the little things.
On a side note: I am surrounded by positive, wonderful, inspiring people that continually tell me I give them inspiration from reading my blog, from seeing me smile, hearing my obnoxious laughter - and it is obnoxiously loud, a real belly laugh. Funny... because without all of you, there would be no smiles, no positive outlook, and definitely no laughter. I have decided in my life to include in it only those that make me better....So to all of you - "CHEERS!" for being my inspiration, my reason to live, my living angels. It takes a village........
I can say that I am two weeks out from chemo #3 and nothing really to talk about. I have gotten a cold, that sucks, so instead of just being able to fight it off, it lingers making my life a fun place to be. I just have it in my eyes and nose, and my lids have swelled right up and just want to keep my eyes closed because they burn so bad. Nothing to write about, just wanted to bore those of you that are continuing to read.... hahahaha.
I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep and I do that a lot it seems lately. Not really what I do, but when your body says stop, I decided I should listen to it. My house is a mess, the laundry is done finally, and I just want my bathrooms clean. It's the little things.
On a side note: I am surrounded by positive, wonderful, inspiring people that continually tell me I give them inspiration from reading my blog, from seeing me smile, hearing my obnoxious laughter - and it is obnoxiously loud, a real belly laugh. Funny... because without all of you, there would be no smiles, no positive outlook, and definitely no laughter. I have decided in my life to include in it only those that make me better....So to all of you - "CHEERS!" for being my inspiration, my reason to live, my living angels. It takes a village........
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