My Grandma

Holding grudges is stupid....almost as stupid as cancer.....no, I say just as stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! No one lives forever just get over it and move on.

I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.

She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.

She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.

She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.

I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.

I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles. 

When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.

It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.

Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar,  sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.

Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.


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Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......