Game Over........

I BLEEPING HATE CANCER!!!! It has taken so much from me - I have boobs that are more like knobs that just stick out from my chest. Yes, they are perky, but I would give anything to have my saggy, 39-year-old boobs back, along with the nipples I no longer have. Oh and at least I would have feeling and not dead skin.

My hands, arms, feet, and legs are constantly tingling and have a burning sensation that I have learned to live with, but secretly curse it all the time and scream inside to scare it away. It doesn't hear me.

My right arm and side swells so much when I do any activity, becoming so painful that I just want to stop. I try and will myself to push through it - sometimes I succeed and sometimes I give in.

My brain loses thoughts and words and sentences in conversation. I struggle with memory constantly. Not helpful in my working environment or outside.

I am mutilated inside and out.

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Today was test number two and the numbers had to at least double from Friday. My blood work done and waited for the call later.

I knew instantly when I answered and heard my doctor's voice that it was over. Just from his hello I was going to throw up, and it took all I had in my being to keep it in and not vomit all over my desk and self.

I was told to call when I get my first period and we will set up an appointment to talk about what happened and other options. I just said OK, when I already know in my mind this was our only shot of having our very own children; there is no more money to try again.

I held it together. Grabbed my car keys, walked out of my office and took the long walk to my car to call Jeremy.

He knew almost instantly, and we sat there in silence while tears just kept falling. I had no words. He apologized he wasn't home and out of town for work til Thursday over and over. Secretly I wanted to beg him home, but that doesn't fix it. I said its OK.

And now cancer has taken my opportunity to have my very own children. I quit.

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I am out walking the dogs and this awesome sadness hits me like a train wreck and I can't stop sobbing no matter how hard I try. My dogs have no idea what to do as I just collapse and sit on the sidewalk and sob. They lay down next me, comforting me in my sorrow.

I never really thought about children in such a concrete, realistic way. It was more of, eh, its ok, I don't want them,  it would cramp my lifestyle, I like coming and going as I please....as we please. But once Jeremy and I decided to do this it all became more real. Then we passed the first blood test with a positive and it was reality, even though we knew it wasn't all in the clear. We talked about everything that we were going to do with them.

I realized on my walk, at that moment, the experiences are what I will miss....what we will miss.  I couldn't wait to teach them to shoot a rubber band without snapping their thumb; to skip a rock on the lake with such gracefulness and skill; to do a somersault; to create giggles from rolling down the hill; to appreciate everything and never take anything for granted; to celebrate successes; and to learn from failure, the most important. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

I want so badly to quit.....

Choices can be difficult.







 

Test Day

I was up at 3am today. Unfortunately the alarm was set for 6am....bummer

Blood test completed by 8:15am. And results please......we wait.

waiting......

still waiting.....

do some crafting on a dresser for my brothers new baby to be. Jeremy, I and my sister are turning it into a dresser changing table. It turned out awesome! We are delivering it Sunday....can't wait....

and waiting some more....

oh, wait, phone ringing in my pocket. caller ID (I love caller ID) says Oregon Reproductive...ooh, ooh, ohh, Jeremy its them. Big breath, Hello?

We do all the pleasantries, hating it, just get to the point of the call. Finally, and, it is POSITIVE!

Tears instantly, Jeremy stoic as usual under his glasses, although I am sure his eyes watered up.

woohoo!

"Now, this is just the beginning and we do have more tests...blah, blah, blah"

All that is going through my mind is, it worked, my body did it, we did it, yeah! Don't steal my thunder, reality will still be there in 10 seconds once my moment is over - Running through a field of dandelions, smiling, singing....wait, OK I am back.

Next steps. Monday I will schedule another blood test. My magic number today is 17.32 and it should double about every other day, so on Monday it should be more than doubled because it will have been 3 days. Hmmmm, the math.....well it needs to be over 35.64 anyway. And then Wednesday I will take another blood test and guess what? oh, you got it, double again.

"OK, good-bye, will be there Monday!"

All the phone calls were made, texts sent, facebook posts done, adrenaline faded, exhausted......

I have so many wonderful people in my life that are supportive and encouraging, how could this fail? I have hope, and that is a good starting point.

More waiting.....

Until Monday.....Good night.

And They're In

I stopped to get coffee today at one of my usual spots and ordered unusually, a small one with one shot. The gal I always see is there, she pauses and stares at me with no sound coming out of her mouth at first, dumbfounded by what I have ordered. Finally, asking how do you go from a 20oz quad shot to 8oz of one? What do I say?

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Well, I believe we left off with...and there were four, but only two looked viable....oh, and.... I was terrified if there were none. And here is more of the story...

On the day of the transfer, I got the phone call from the embryologist. Only two looked like they would be good to go with a possibility of freezing one more, giving it would develop more in its little petrie dish. So as of then, there would be a transfer of two embryos. I was happy, but sad. Now I truly have one shot, and only one shot to get this right. Great odds, right?

Jeremy and I got to Oregon Reproductive way ahead of schedule and I did exactly what they asked - Empty your bladder one hour before your arrival and drink about 26oz of water casually. A full bladder is what they needed to make this transfer a success. Well, haha, my bladder was going to explode if I did not empty it by the time I got there. I walked back to my room in a hunch to alleviate the pain of my bladder screaming to keep it all in. I had to change into my gown, still with a full bladder. A difficult task without an accident, but oh yes, things would get harder.

My nurse was fantastic, loved her. She asked me if I wanted to empty my bladder....and I said, sure, thinking they would just make me lay there until my bladder filled back up. Oh no, she gave me a cup, about 12oz. This would be all I could empty from my bladder.

I gave her the dumbest look, wanted to laugh, but knew if I did, urine would be everywhere. Um....How do I stop the flow of urine, completely, after only 12oz emptied. And what if 12oz was all I had in there? She assured me it was possible.

I get to the bathroom, degown, wanting nothing in the way of this event, position myself to pee in the cup and mentally prepare to stop it once full. Ready, set, pee.

hahahahahahahahahaha, it is virtually impossible to know where to put the cup to pee in it when you have to go that bad. I missed....alot. Ok, time to stop, concentrate......concentrate.....so difficult. I must of sat there five minutes just to convince my muscles to "shut it off." No way, it worked, I stopped the flow. I was pretty proud of myself. But my bladder still felt ridiculously full and I went more than 12oz....man I can hold alot of pee. I wash up, gown up, wash up, proud of my accomplishment, and walk back to my room, telling Jeremy all about my big adventure as soon as I get back into bed. He laughed at me.

Back comes my nurse and she ultrasounds my bladder. But right then my doctor walks in and says I can empty a little more if I need to, she was hesitant, but he seemed sure. I took a new cup and prepared my plan in my head walking to the bathroom, I was going to do better this time.

Nope, same result, impossible, and took longer to shut it off. I felt much better, that is all that mattered.

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And transfer time. My embryos are ready to go....

I am rolled into the room, Valium swallowed down, assume the position. There is no modesty in any of this and you really have to go to a different place to feel ok about the invasiveness of it all. At one point my nurse, doctor and embryologist were all in between my legs inserting the embryo, staring at the ultrasound to find the landing.

I wanted so badly to laugh out loud, thinking how does one get themselves to this point, seriously, this is funny. The things we will do.....

And we are done.

It is simply amazing how the body can be tricked into all of this to become pregnant. Truly amazing.

I drive home, stay in bed for 36 hours, bored to death, a lot of TV watched, and back to normal.

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And wait.....10 days, first pregnancy test, can't wait. Tomorrow morning cannot come soon enough.

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I might be pregnant is what I say. Might be.

Oh, and maybe I failed to mention - remember the lone embryo trying to grow in his dish? He didn't make it. Maybe it was a she. There are no more chances.

Tomorrow seems so far away.

Embryologist Calling

Today is a somewhat sad day.....or a little disappointing. 

I received a call from the embryologist to let me know how the thaw and fertilization was going. I started with 19 eggs harvested, 14 survived that were frozen. Of these 14, only 7 made the thaw, but 4 made the fertilization. But 2 are looking great at this point. She let me know this could change, we are not doing the transfer until Wednesday, and she will call me that morning to let me know where we are.

I just want to scream! I was hoping for better, but not really sure what better is. I have read all the stats for IVF procedures, I know it is less than ideal when it comes to success rates, I know it might not happen. But, really that doesn't matter. I am invested now, I am preparing for children, I want children. This want far outweighs reality, and telling me to keep a hold on my hopes isn't helpful. How is that even possible? 

I want this. Really, really, really. I want this with Jeremy. He will be the best dad ever and he deserves it, possibly even more than me. We want this. I am optimistic but.......my hopes are sky high, but.......what if we fail? What if I fail? 

The answer terrifies me.