Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Phone Call

Thursday, September 9th, 2010.
I stayed home from work today because of the pain and too, because I couldn't shower yet and didn't want to go into work like that. And I knew I wouldn't be very productive waiting for the phone call to tell me I am OK, and it was a false alarm. Really, I had no anxiety, thought no way I can't have cancer, I am only 36, doesn't run in the family, so why would I?

I laid around all day and just tried to sleep so I wouldn't sit just waiting. At 4:30 my husband called and said he was on his way home and if I had heard anything.

"Nope, they must have good news for me or they would have called, we are in the clear," I say.

So at 4:45 my doctor calls to check on me and we talk about my pain, how the procedure was awful and I break in with, "So, I haven't heard anything have you?"

Silence................ and I start crying. Don't remember much of the rest of the conversation, just ran into my room and shut the door - my brother in law and kids were over, upstairs waiting for my sister to get there and I didn't want them to see me like this. The things that go through your head when you hear you have cancer - oh my god I am dying, what will happen to my boobs, wait-can you test that again, so when can you cut it out.... and so many more thoughts. My doctor was wonderful and asked if I was alone and I said my husband would be home any minute. I laid there.

Jeremy came home and into the bedroom, looked at me and just held me, and we cried, alot. We were both really scared, and when we stopped crying we just looked at each other. What do you say in that moment, "I love you," was all that came out. Finally he says we have to stay positive we don't know anything yet, and we will beat it. Words of encouragement from the number one pessimist I know.

My sister comes in the room, along with the kids and Mason just gives me the biggest hug ever and I start crying again. Kids can be so wonderful. He just sat there with me while I cried.

I will get through this and be OK....

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