Monday, November 29, 2010

Post Surgery #2

In light of my most recent surgery, things are going well. Considering the enormous amount of pain I was in all of last week because of my infection and the real inability to function without pain pills, to functioning just a few days after surgery without pills is wonderful. I still am anxious about my bandages coming off, anxious of what I am going to look like, what others will think that don't know but when you stare it will be obvious I have only one "boob."

Don't even start to kid yourself and say, "Well, now, Stephanie, you can't worry about that," or "nobody is staring," or "how do you know?" Really, come on, we all do it.... stare at the guy with one leg, the lady with the beard, or the child with tubes in their noses. We do it, we all do it. Can't help but notice. And then we have comments, in our heads, but they are comments. I don't want to be part of those comments, thus the reason I went straight to expanders so no one one would know I had no "boobs." Even someone I hadn't seen in forever wouldn't know because I would be back to normal in no time. Normal..... not sure I remember what that was like. Constant pain, and managing of it, are what I experience on a daily basis. That is my new normal. And now it involves one less bump on my chest.

Who knew I would be this attached by something so unfunctional in my life as I know it. They just got in the way, caused pain when hit, and sagged alot in my aging process. Why am I so attached to these bumps? I don't know. It doesn't define me, doesn't make me, doesn't do anything, or do they? It will be at least six months before the expander goes back in, and we try again, so well after chemo and the healing process that will take. It is amazing our bodies and the abuse they can take to be better.

I will be better, I am better now, physically.... emotionally, mentally are the hard ones I am going to struggle through. My image doesn't define me, but it sure is a big part and not everyone gets to see the inside on a daily basis - my outside is always showing.

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