My First Adventure from Bed

Wednesday, October 6^th , 2010

“Somebody shoot me, PLEASE, now, make this stop! There is always that stupid commercial and the EASY button - need it NOW!!!!”

Tried eating broth, water, anything liquid, couldn’t keep it down. Wouldn’t eat jello because of how it makes my teeth feel. The sugar is obnoxious. And I wasn’t going to brush my teeth, couldn’t imagine how that would be possible.

6am - That was it, the pain was way too much to bear anymore, couldn’t move, couldn’t function, constant loss of control because of the meds, no pain relief really. And the ice was freezing!

8am – That’s it, this sucks! Gotta make myself move. Call the nurse, I want up, NOW. Still can’t keep anything down, we tried more broth. Seriously, I would eat it, feel fine, just lay there, and then, “oh my god, I am gonna puke!” grab my bag, puke, hold it, call the nurse, she measured, dumped it, flushed it. Move on, I am starving people! Oh yes, and they gave me the nausea medicine, the best stuff, didn’t work. Maybe they should go back to the drawing board with that. Just saying…..

OK, so nurse comes in, looks at me like I am crazy when I say I have to get up, and I start sitting. I want to scream because it hurts so bad, but I am not gonna tell her. I am going to get out of this bed. She will not feel my pain, and will not tell me no! We get the catheter off the bed and on the IV pole (yes, I am peeing in a bag, hated it, but necessary), IV's wrapped, pain pump attached with the local anesthetic, and the drain balls attached... Ready, set, go (as Addison would say).

I sit up. Dizzy, here it comes, puke bag please… vomit, here you go, now help me up.

I stand up. Dizzy, but no vomit is knocking, we are good. One step, this isn’t so bad, right? Oh stumble, catch me. She did. Yeah for her. She wants to put me back in bed. No! I won! we walk. I walked to the door, back to the bed, to the door, back to the bed and get back in bed. Small victory, but I won! It is all about competition, give me that chance of victory and I will push for it. Now where is that pain pump? Good, got it, push it, lay down. Ice please. And the broth, let's do chicken, again.

Recovery

Tuesday, October 5^th ,2010

Funny how waking up from surgery, your mind is talking, but nothing comes out….

 “Man it’s bright in here, will someone please turn those things down?”

“We need to start getting the girls in the cage.” I was actually dreaming about coaching and the Philomath Softball Field when I came to and had to snap out of that.

“Shut up, I am trying to sleep here.”

“What am I doing here and why does my breathing hurt so much?”

Tears, can’t move, pain is unbearable, try talking but can’t, Dr. Faddis holds my hand sees my eyes open and says I did great…. More tears…. He comforts me… Asks about the pain, I get out, “it hurts to breath so much.” Tears won’t stop. And it is the kind of tears from shear pain and not from anything else. “Don’t worry,” he says, and calls the nurse over immediately and they shoot me with something, I feel nothing. My doctor is wonderful….. tears, again.

I asked for Jeremy about 10,000 times, couldn’t wait to see him. Or I should say, him to see me, that I was OK, and that he could now be OK. He worries and cares and worries. He loves me, I love him, and I needed to see him. I remember the last time I asked, the nurse got a little pissy with me, and called some people over and said, “Take her to see her husband, hurry.” I smiled, more tears.

I do want to pause in the story and say that these ‘drivers’ of surgery people need to take a course or something, mine were terrible. We must have bumped into everything imaginable, are you kidding me – WOW! They even ran into the elevator as they were pushing me in AND out. At the out point, I did say, “Can you please pay attention to where you are going, this isn’t a carnival ride for me.” I heard, “sorry,” but she didn’t say it with meaning. Although we only hit two more times into things. I think I might start some Obstacle Driving Hospital Beds course at LBCC or something (not sure I can, but I think it is good class to start…).

And I see Jeremy, more tears…. My mom, more tears…. A ton more pain, more tears. Time in room 2:15p.m. I was in recovery quite awhile for I couldn’t manage my pain. Jeremy told me I could have visitors from 2-8 and they had to be over 16. I asked about Mason and Hadley and if they could come see me? My nurse asked how old they were and who they were. My neice and nephew, ages 5 and 3. She said they had to be our kids, we said but they are what we have. More tears. Jeremy asked if the dogs could come see me since those were our kids? Oh and the cats too. She smiled. Rema, my wonderful nurse, worked her magic and got permission, they would be coming to see me tomorrow. I couldn't wait.

At around some time (can’t remember), my doctor came in and asked me about my pain, held my hand, tears, and I couldn’t lie anymore, it hurt like hell and whatever was in the pump was not helping. He changed it immediately (well had someone else do it), and apparently it is the best. It really did make the pain stop, I was much better. I love my doctor.

I also couldn’t keep anything down, and I was talking with Jeremy and my mom, and I said, “I think I am going to throw up.” I don’t know who handed me the bag, but it took a bit, I could feel it coming and don’t know which one said it, “You are turning green!” And then I vomited, color came back, felt fine, no nausea. That would have been a great photo op for sure. Jeremy should have been ready. Green looks good on me I think. And it went like that all night. Thank god all I had in me was liquids, that feels much better coming up than real food.  

I had company for most of the time from then until 7p.m. I appreciated it. It really kept my mind off of the tremendous pain I was feeling. At 9p.m. Jeremy went home, he had to be to work at 6am the next morning. I was going to miss him. I love him tons you know.

Before Surgery

Tuesday, October 5^th ,2010

There is something to be said about waiting for surgery – IT SUCKS!!! I mean REALLY SUCKS!!! The outfit is something to be desired, the heated tube that goes into your gown is AWESOME! For those of that don’t know, there is a tube that comes off the wall with hot air, and in your gown is built in a hole that this connects to, and wa-la you have heat, amazing really…..

Let me tell you the anxiety is something that just kills you, and you try really hard to think about other things. My mom, Jeremy and I watched TV and talked about the weather and took pictures to update facebook of course… who doesn’t do that?

I know cheey picture, but really I just learned about the heater, just wonderful. Jeremy kept facebook updated, that is what matters and everyone loves pictures.

All the doctors come in and ask you how you’re doing. Who actually tells the truth, “this is terrible, get me out of here,” oh no, we always, “doing great…” well not really, I said, “Can we please get started, this is dumb to have to wait this long, and besides, I am hungry and thirsty.” Doctor said soon…. And we wait…..

OK, off to surgery. Not sure what in the world I am doing with my hands here, but remember I am drugged at this time and quite honestly, I don’t even remember Jeremy snapping this one….. I am sure I told him to. Jeremy said someone ran into him from behind and snapped at him, BUT my nurses told her a thing or two and told Jeremy to go ahead and take the picture….. I know you all want a hat like this, don’t even lie….. it’s cool.

Another Quick Update

Hello everyone!


This is another post on Stephanie's behalf.  She is still recovering nicely in the hospital, probably until Friday afternoon.  The combination of medicines and post-op recovery made her feel pretty sick for the last 2 days (it was tough to keep solid food down) so they wanted to wait 1 extra day to make sure she's feeling better.  She's been up and walking around a couple of times (good thing, because Stephanie is not one to just sit in bed all day!).  


As she would probably say, yeah yeah yeah, enough about me, let's get to the good stuff!  Her test results came in, and drum role please, everything came back negative and clear!  Testing of the lymph nodes came back negative (that's a good thing for you Office fans).  Biopsy of the tissue came back with clear margins.  They confirmed that the left side showed no signs of cancer after all, hooray!  One thing Steph forgot to mention earlier was the results from the BRCA gene test, which came back negative as well, which demonstrates less probability that the cancer will return in the future (if it had been positive, the probability goes up to 80% that it would return). 


All in all, nothing but good news to report.  I know Steph is anxious to get back to report to all of you herself soon.  Keep sending that positive energy her way!

Quick Post-Surgery Update

Hello everyone....This is one of Steph's friends posting on her behalf since she doesn't have a computer in the hospital.  Here are some quick stats on how things went and how she's feeling:


Surgery went well - It took about 4 hours to do the surgery and phase one of the reconstruction (inserting the temporaries).  The doctor says everything went great!  They went ahead and removed 2 lymph nodes which is very normal, so they could test them to make sure it hasn't spread into the lymph system.  All of the results from any tests they are going to run should be back sometime Wednesday or Thursday.  They couldn't see anything in the tissue from the left breast once they got in there, so not sure what the MRI results from last week were showing, but still better to be safe than sorry.  They think it could have been a rogue lymph node as they can sometimes show up as a spot on an MRI.  


The doctor was able to fill the temporary inserts with 350 CCs of fluid, which is awesome since they were expecting to only be able to fill them with 100 CCs, 200 max!  The size she is going for is around 550 to 600 CCs, so she's already over halfway there!  She was very surprised and thankful to come out of recovery with somewhat of a chest already.  Hooray!


They have her on some good pain meds to keep her comfortable (as comfortable as possible anyway) that make her sleepy.  She's resting well and should know when she will be able to get out of the hospital soon.  Keep sending those positive thoughts and good vibes!

Part of me forever gone

Well Boobs, this is it, time to say good-bye, really, forever, for sure. You have been good to me, developed a little earlier than I really wanted in the sixth grade. The two of you got in the way alot when I just wanted to play basketball during recesses. I know there is a purpose but when you are a total tom-boy and just want to play sports and hang out with the boys, you just got in the way and kept setting me apart. I forgive the two of you, really, truly ;)

I won't have to experience the tendernouse anymore while during that time of the month, that is a bonus, right? No more sagging with gravity constantly pulling you down. I know that must be terrible to go through. You two were once perky and amazing and now you are just droopy and cancerous, too bad. I will miss you, but at least there is something to take your place. It definitely won't be the same, but at least I don't have to stress anymore about nipping out - love that part! That was always an issue for me and I won't have to ask Jeremy constantly, "Am I?"

Today is a start of a brand new relationship, it will be rough, intense, painful, emotional, erratic, crazy, and relaxing. It is kind of like waiting for Christmas, the anticipation is killing me. I have to remember all the things that have gotten me through the really hard times in my life, and there have been a few, and just look towards the final goal.

I CAN and I WILL are all I need to know

Where are you Karma?

Boots are on, ready to stomp!

Stupid Cancer! I hate you! Go AWAY!

Keep smiling, good thoughts, stay positive....

Slow down and remember to eat your fruits and veggies.

I have a new found strength and courage, yet it may have decided to hide under a blanket this morning, tears won't stop coming.

FAST FORWARD PLEASE!

I CAN and I WILL are all I need to know.

I am in control, relax, take control of your breathing, no one controls me but me, take it, and keep perspective.

And we wait..... check back later, for Jeremy will be updating everyone when I get out of surgery. I need a TON of good thoughts my way this morning. Surgery is from 7:30 - 10:00.

Good bye boobs, I will miss you tremendously........ :(

Cowering vs. Conquering

This last weekend I spoke with one of my softball parents and she was asking about how I was, am I getting through, and holding up. We had an interesting and inspiring conversation that holds alot of truth for all challenges in our lives. We can choose to go around, above, below, but the challenge will never really become less. We have to go through it.... simple.... she is right. I never really thought of it like that. I appreciated the conversation, thank you.  Funny, how after the conversation I found this randomly...... coincidence? Probably not....

"Most of our obstacles would melt away
if, instead of cowering before them,
we should make up our minds
to walk boldly through them."


It is literally hours away and will forever change my life, my thoughts, my attitudes, perceptions. So many emotions can be overwhelming. Today, last night have been difficult. Trying to keep busy is hard when your mind keeps lingering on the moment to come..... I am very tired, exhausted.


I need to remember to put my stomping boots on before surgery, so I can trudge right through one of my biggest obstacles thus far in my 36 years of life.............  GOOOOOOO STEPH!