Well, can you believe it, I was told it wouldn't happen, no way, no how, no-no....But it did, not so ecstatic about it, probably should be, but kind of happy it left.......for awhile....but you came back......Aren't periods grand......
I know probably sharing a little too much, but that is what I do, share, and this is my diary of events in my one year of cancer hell, so I need it documented. I am not sure how I feel about it. Menopause or should I say the menopause symptoms were awful going through them and now it just means I have to do it all over again. I sure am one lucky son of a gun. Hurry get the balloons and streamers...we are throwing a party......um....no. hahahahhahahahahha I really am funny.
And the worst part, or best part, or however you look at it, on July 7th I go up to Portland to start my menopause injections so I can start taking the Arimedex (the post menopause drug that helps in breast cancer recurrence rates). Again, I am on lucky duck! That was sarcasm, if you didn't catch on to that.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Let's Play Catch-up
Haven't written in awhile so thought I might update those that are patiently waiting for something to be said, or you are just plain bored and need something to read....Whichever it is, I hope I can hold your attention.
We held our Pink Out game on Wednesday, May 4th, and I felt it was a success. I had two wonderful players of past help with everything and they really pulled it all together for me. The players looked terrific in their POW shirts and hot pink socks....way to represent. I have a great picture that will have to be posted once I get it downloaded. It was wonderful to see the crowd adorned in our hot pink shirts and knowing that they each contributed to our fundraising efforts. We were able to write a check to Project H.E.R. for $500 and present it to them last week. I am very proud of the girls and the effort they put behind this.
As for the season, we lost more than we won, but it was a growing year and there are only great things to come. I feel we learned alot and there towards the end we put up some really good fights, losing to Central and Newport by only one. Those are very big accomplishments. We have our end of year party this Thursday night, with costume contest - Rocker theme. I just may dye what little hair I have and really slather on the black eyeliner, along with some kind of outfit.....who knows, I may not too.
Coaching is bitter sweet at times and when your season is done you look forward to getting back to a less hectic and busy life, but you also know those seniors that you grew to love and respect, watch mature in the game are going to be leaving. I have a really special place in my heart for these few kids and getting through the awards ceremony is going to be tough.
I won't say this year of coaching was easy, quite frankly it was downright grueling to try and work full-time and be there full-time. I managed. It was good for me. I would have just sat at home feeling sorry for myself...now who wants to do that? The coaches I talked to couldn't believe I was even out there after all I went through, some others too. Why not? I have to move on sometime and what better time to than when surrounding yourself with a bunch of female teenage athletes. I can't think of a better way to spend my time. Sure, I am a role model, but this group of young women I get to coach everyday are role models of their own.....inspiring me everyday to put one foot in front of the other and do what I love to do. Thank you.....
We held our Pink Out game on Wednesday, May 4th, and I felt it was a success. I had two wonderful players of past help with everything and they really pulled it all together for me. The players looked terrific in their POW shirts and hot pink socks....way to represent. I have a great picture that will have to be posted once I get it downloaded. It was wonderful to see the crowd adorned in our hot pink shirts and knowing that they each contributed to our fundraising efforts. We were able to write a check to Project H.E.R. for $500 and present it to them last week. I am very proud of the girls and the effort they put behind this.
As for the season, we lost more than we won, but it was a growing year and there are only great things to come. I feel we learned alot and there towards the end we put up some really good fights, losing to Central and Newport by only one. Those are very big accomplishments. We have our end of year party this Thursday night, with costume contest - Rocker theme. I just may dye what little hair I have and really slather on the black eyeliner, along with some kind of outfit.....who knows, I may not too.
Coaching is bitter sweet at times and when your season is done you look forward to getting back to a less hectic and busy life, but you also know those seniors that you grew to love and respect, watch mature in the game are going to be leaving. I have a really special place in my heart for these few kids and getting through the awards ceremony is going to be tough.
I won't say this year of coaching was easy, quite frankly it was downright grueling to try and work full-time and be there full-time. I managed. It was good for me. I would have just sat at home feeling sorry for myself...now who wants to do that? The coaches I talked to couldn't believe I was even out there after all I went through, some others too. Why not? I have to move on sometime and what better time to than when surrounding yourself with a bunch of female teenage athletes. I can't think of a better way to spend my time. Sure, I am a role model, but this group of young women I get to coach everyday are role models of their own.....inspiring me everyday to put one foot in front of the other and do what I love to do. Thank you.....
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
In the News
I was hoping with this news spot to promote our Pink Out Game on May 4th, 2011 at Philomath High School vs. Taft High School at 4pm to raise money for Project H.E.R. - our local non-profit set up to help those diagnosed with breast cancer. Didn't really happen, and it is a nice story. I don't like much talking about me, but it was nice to have the players included and get some kind of good out of it. With this link there is a video and article.
http://www.kval.com/sports/120745234.html
http://www.kval.com/sports/120745234.html
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Horoscope and Choices
Horoscopes are funny little things. I usually ignore them. Today, for some reason I read mine. Eerily it seems to know my life:
You could be more self-protective now than anyone realizes, but your social veneer makes it look like you're fully engaged in your relationships. People close to you may be impressed with your optimistic demeanor, however, you may be reliving unexpressed hurt that continues to be recycled in your life. For now, there's no reason to change your behavior; it's okay to dance between two positions. Thankfully, you will be able to meld these disparate realities with time.
And then I found this little piece about choices - this vs. that. I will always have choices....
I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important.
My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.
Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.
Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.
Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.
Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.
Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!
-- Author Unknown
You could be more self-protective now than anyone realizes, but your social veneer makes it look like you're fully engaged in your relationships. People close to you may be impressed with your optimistic demeanor, however, you may be reliving unexpressed hurt that continues to be recycled in your life. For now, there's no reason to change your behavior; it's okay to dance between two positions. Thankfully, you will be able to meld these disparate realities with time.
And then I found this little piece about choices - this vs. that. I will always have choices....
I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to fulfill today. I am important.
My job is to choose what kind of day I am going to have.
Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.
Today I can feel sad that I don't have more money or I can be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases wisely and guide me away from waste.
Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive.
Today I can lament over all that my parents didn't give me when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they allowed me to be born.
Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate that thorns have roses.
Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.
Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can shout for joy because I have a job to do.
Today I can complain because I have to go to school or eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of knowledge.
Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter for my mind, body and soul.
Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.
What today will be like is up to me. I get to choose what kind of day I will have!
-- Author Unknown
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Gazette-Times Article
As the head softball coach at Philomath High School I am trying to put together a Pink Out game to raise money for Project H.E.R., the local non-profit that helps breast cancer patients get through this difficult time. Below is the article and the link, along with the team picture. Just trying to pay it forward.
Stephanie Kerst had no reason to worry.
At 36, the mammogram was just a new addition to her annual check-up.
It was late August when Kerst, the Philomath High softball coach, went through the procedure.
The call came on Sept. 10.
They had found a lump. It was tiny, but it was there.
Cancer.
“I’m dying,” Kerst thought.
“Because when you first find out, they don’t know anything. All they know is, you have cancer. That’s all you’re told. So then you wait.”
Her husband, Jeremy, finally arrived home and they talked about the situation.
It helped that Jeremy is a cancer survivor, but the unknown loomed.
The next day Kerst got another call.
This one from Joann Stutzman of Project H.E.R., a local program that helps women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer work through the process.
They talked and Kerst realized that she had hope.
“It makes you feel better,” Kerst said. “You’re not dying. There is help. There are resources. There are all these things out there that will help you get through it.”
Kerst had no idea if she would continue coaching softball at PHS.
She called athletic director Steve Bennett soon after she found out and told him that she would be fine if they had to find someone else.
“Because at the time I talked to him I knew nothing,” she said. “He said, ‘I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you get to do what you want to do.’”
She knew she wanted to stick with softball.
There was a long road to go to get to that point.
Despite the inclination of her doctors, Kerst was determined to get a mastectomy.
She didn’t want to wonder if the cancer would come back.
“In my mind it was no question,” she said. “I always said that if I got it I was going to get a mastectomy. The doctors think I’m crazy because it was a stage 0-1 which is what I have for breast cancer, which is very small, but I just don’t want to sit and obsess about it.
“I just want to move on with my life.”
Kerst had surgery on Oct. 5.
Then the real troubles began.
Battle after battle
Kerst left the hospital on Oct. 8, a Friday. She felt fine and went to a football party the next day and seemed OK through the week.
She woke up the following Friday morning screaming from the pain.
It was a staph infection.
“I didn’t know what was happening,” Kerst said. “My left side was killing me. I was running a fever. We called the doctor and he said get in here immediately. I was in the hospital for five days because of the infection.”
A few weeks later she was hit by another infection.
“The whole thing swelled up. They took out 300 (cubic centimeters) of pus out of my left side,” she said. “The day after Thanksgiving I had surgery to have my left expander removed.
“Then I felt great.”
Kerst started chemotherapy in December.
She had four sessions and had a bad reaction after the second one.
She wanted to quit.
“I didn’t want to do it anymore and my husband’s like, ‘You can do it, you can do it,’ ” she said. “And after number three, you want to stop. People who do 12 chemo sessions or more, they are amazing to me. After number four, I couldn’t have done it.”
Kerst got through the chemo and did not have to go through radiation treatment.
Tests of her lymph nodes came back negative.
“Right now I can say I’m cancer-free,” she said.
A season of recovery
Her hair is growing back in wisps of blonde.
Day after day, Kerst is returning to her old self.
Getting back to softball was a tough transition physically but a boost mentally for Kerst.
Recovery from chemo and the surgery takes some time and Kerst had plenty of down days.
“I watch her and she’s inspiring in that she comes out and she pushes these kids to do their best even though I know there are times when she’s tired,” assistant coach Saff Evans said.
“She doesn’t show it but she’s quite honest with them at times when she goes, ‘I hurt today,’ or ‘I’m tired today.’ But she just perseveres. It’s just amazing.”
Coaching the Warriors keeps Kerst moving forward.
Most followers of the program figured she would quit coaching. They thought it would be too draining for her.
“This is what kept me going,” she said. “I have this to look forward to. I have this to come to every day. I have a great job. I love my job.”
That doesn’t mean Kerst has boundless energy while she’s coaching.
She takes full advantage of her five-member staff when she can.
Jeremy Kerst said she took a tumble while coaching a game against Pleasant Hill, but getting to the diamond has been a perfect outlet for her.
“You can tell at home that definitely after she coaches that she’s a lot more happy, most of the time,” he said. “It gives her something else to think about besides that, something less painful.”
Project H.E.R. made such an impact on Kerst that she wanted to give back.
Kerst’s idea was to hold a pink out game to benefit the program, which serves Benton, Linn and Lincoln counties.
The game will be on May 4 at PHS.
But there will be more to this game than players and fans wearing pink.
There will be a couple people from Project H.E.R. at the game to give out information.
Stephanie Kerst had no reason to worry.
At 36, the mammogram was just a new addition to her annual check-up.
It was late August when Kerst, the Philomath High softball coach, went through the procedure.
The call came on Sept. 10.
They had found a lump. It was tiny, but it was there.
Cancer.
“I’m dying,” Kerst thought.
“Because when you first find out, they don’t know anything. All they know is, you have cancer. That’s all you’re told. So then you wait.”
Her husband, Jeremy, finally arrived home and they talked about the situation.
It helped that Jeremy is a cancer survivor, but the unknown loomed.
The next day Kerst got another call.
This one from Joann Stutzman of Project H.E.R., a local program that helps women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer work through the process.
They talked and Kerst realized that she had hope.
“It makes you feel better,” Kerst said. “You’re not dying. There is help. There are resources. There are all these things out there that will help you get through it.”
Kerst had no idea if she would continue coaching softball at PHS.
She called athletic director Steve Bennett soon after she found out and told him that she would be fine if they had to find someone else.
“Because at the time I talked to him I knew nothing,” she said. “He said, ‘I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you get to do what you want to do.’”
She knew she wanted to stick with softball.
There was a long road to go to get to that point.
Despite the inclination of her doctors, Kerst was determined to get a mastectomy.
She didn’t want to wonder if the cancer would come back.
“In my mind it was no question,” she said. “I always said that if I got it I was going to get a mastectomy. The doctors think I’m crazy because it was a stage 0-1 which is what I have for breast cancer, which is very small, but I just don’t want to sit and obsess about it.
“I just want to move on with my life.”
Kerst had surgery on Oct. 5.
Then the real troubles began.
Battle after battle
Kerst left the hospital on Oct. 8, a Friday. She felt fine and went to a football party the next day and seemed OK through the week.
She woke up the following Friday morning screaming from the pain.
It was a staph infection.
“I didn’t know what was happening,” Kerst said. “My left side was killing me. I was running a fever. We called the doctor and he said get in here immediately. I was in the hospital for five days because of the infection.”
A few weeks later she was hit by another infection.
“The whole thing swelled up. They took out 300 (cubic centimeters) of pus out of my left side,” she said. “The day after Thanksgiving I had surgery to have my left expander removed.
“Then I felt great.”
Kerst started chemotherapy in December.
She had four sessions and had a bad reaction after the second one.
She wanted to quit.
“I didn’t want to do it anymore and my husband’s like, ‘You can do it, you can do it,’ ” she said. “And after number three, you want to stop. People who do 12 chemo sessions or more, they are amazing to me. After number four, I couldn’t have done it.”
Kerst got through the chemo and did not have to go through radiation treatment.
Tests of her lymph nodes came back negative.
“Right now I can say I’m cancer-free,” she said.
A season of recovery
Her hair is growing back in wisps of blonde.
Day after day, Kerst is returning to her old self.
Getting back to softball was a tough transition physically but a boost mentally for Kerst.
Recovery from chemo and the surgery takes some time and Kerst had plenty of down days.
“I watch her and she’s inspiring in that she comes out and she pushes these kids to do their best even though I know there are times when she’s tired,” assistant coach Saff Evans said.
“She doesn’t show it but she’s quite honest with them at times when she goes, ‘I hurt today,’ or ‘I’m tired today.’ But she just perseveres. It’s just amazing.”
Coaching the Warriors keeps Kerst moving forward.
Most followers of the program figured she would quit coaching. They thought it would be too draining for her.
“This is what kept me going,” she said. “I have this to look forward to. I have this to come to every day. I have a great job. I love my job.”
That doesn’t mean Kerst has boundless energy while she’s coaching.
She takes full advantage of her five-member staff when she can.
Jeremy Kerst said she took a tumble while coaching a game against Pleasant Hill, but getting to the diamond has been a perfect outlet for her.
“You can tell at home that definitely after she coaches that she’s a lot more happy, most of the time,” he said. “It gives her something else to think about besides that, something less painful.”
Project H.E.R. made such an impact on Kerst that she wanted to give back.
Kerst’s idea was to hold a pink out game to benefit the program, which serves Benton, Linn and Lincoln counties.
The game will be on May 4 at PHS.
But there will be more to this game than players and fans wearing pink.
There will be a couple people from Project H.E.R. at the game to give out information.
The team is selling T-shirts (the ones we are wearing in the picture), taking pledges and donations will be accepted.
“Everybody does a pink out game but there’s no purpose behind them,” Kerst said. “They say, ‘Oh, we’re going to wear pink for this game.’ I want to do more than wear pink.
“This is my way of giving back.”
Monday, April 11, 2011
Another Opinion
When I last left all of this, I had an appointment with a specialist in Portland at St. Vincents to discuss my "What do I do now?" problem with taking Tamoxifen and swelling up like crazy. I had that today. I walked away more knowledgeable and more scared - not a great combination.
I learned I have a 20% recurrence rate without Tamoxifen and even if I would have done a lumpectomy, radiation and chemo my recurrence rate would still be 20% without Tamoxifen. Since having a mastectomy I am likely not to get the cancer in my breasts (not much tissue left), but rather brain, lungs, liver, and other organs. 20%.....pretty high if you ask me. And no way of testing for any of it - no bloodwork, scans, other tests - just a wait and see. Are you kidding me? Wait for it to strike? No prevention? What now?
My options are do nothing, get back on Tamoxifen or we try an aromatase inhibitor. The Evista that Dr. Lee suggested does not have a great track record for stopping recurrence and the doctor concurred with my findings that it isn't the best option. So glad I made this appointment.
Aromatase inhibitors are meant for women that are post menopause. I am 36, I am not post menopause, not even close.....medicine can do some amazing things. My five year strategy - a shot every month in my belly to trick my body into menapause and a pill everyday to trick my cancer in to staying away. Plan sucks....but my risk of recurrence is down to 10%.....I like that number better. Could be more side effects to deal with too, but I am no stranger to that...bring it, I will survive it, although I am sure there will be some grumbling. Not sure when it all starts, but my doctors will let me know.
Jeremy and I left with a plan, got to the car, and I cried and cried and cried. I never really had anyone tell me about the possibility of other cancer spots it could appear - my brain and lungs. That is a slow death waiting to happen. And no prevention, just six month check ups. Not sure what that does, but something I guess. This is the time that I become very in-tune with my body and listen when something feels wrong....my life depends on it.
I learned I have a 20% recurrence rate without Tamoxifen and even if I would have done a lumpectomy, radiation and chemo my recurrence rate would still be 20% without Tamoxifen. Since having a mastectomy I am likely not to get the cancer in my breasts (not much tissue left), but rather brain, lungs, liver, and other organs. 20%.....pretty high if you ask me. And no way of testing for any of it - no bloodwork, scans, other tests - just a wait and see. Are you kidding me? Wait for it to strike? No prevention? What now?
My options are do nothing, get back on Tamoxifen or we try an aromatase inhibitor. The Evista that Dr. Lee suggested does not have a great track record for stopping recurrence and the doctor concurred with my findings that it isn't the best option. So glad I made this appointment.
Aromatase inhibitors are meant for women that are post menopause. I am 36, I am not post menopause, not even close.....medicine can do some amazing things. My five year strategy - a shot every month in my belly to trick my body into menapause and a pill everyday to trick my cancer in to staying away. Plan sucks....but my risk of recurrence is down to 10%.....I like that number better. Could be more side effects to deal with too, but I am no stranger to that...bring it, I will survive it, although I am sure there will be some grumbling. Not sure when it all starts, but my doctors will let me know.
Jeremy and I left with a plan, got to the car, and I cried and cried and cried. I never really had anyone tell me about the possibility of other cancer spots it could appear - my brain and lungs. That is a slow death waiting to happen. And no prevention, just six month check ups. Not sure what that does, but something I guess. This is the time that I become very in-tune with my body and listen when something feels wrong....my life depends on it.
Friday, April 1, 2011
A Really Bad Game....
I am a coach, for those of you that have not picked up on that throughout reading my blog. The head coach of high school varsity girls softball. This is my side job, and I take great pride in being a role model in these young women's lives. We had two games last night, back to back, first league games. The scores....13-2 and 11-1, all finished in five innings due to the mercy rule (10 ahead at five innings), we are the low numbers = loss.
I am not sure how, or where the seams got tore off, or if in one catastrophic moment my girls forgot how to play softball. I don't know. They look to me for guidance, encouragement, strength and balance. I am their biggest fan at all times, even in these not so great moments. Of course I was angry, embarrassed, frustrated, and at a loss.Who wouldn't be? When you feel you have given each player the tools to be successful, witnessed their successes, bragged about them to peers, and, in competition it falls apart... that is heartache.
Game over, we took to the field and practiced. You see it would have been easy, just to leave, cry over it at dinner, and accept defeat. Why accept it? Why let it win? I can't get the game back, I can't reverse the loss, but I can take that negative and turn it into something positive. We lapsed, lost our mental stability so in some way it is my job to show each and every player they are capable after giving the game away to errors - eight dropped balls. And waiting until tomorrow loses the feelings they are experiencing. And we're off.
"Mine! Mine! I got it!" as she is running in to make the catch.
And she is calling it, leaps and dives to give everything she has to this ball, she misses it, but her back up is there. I shout, "Great effort, keep it up! That's exactly what we want to see!"
Ball is a tweener, in the 5-6-7 hole, everybody's on their horse, and you hear loud as day, "MINE!" can't miss that sound, the other two stop and the caller of the ball takes control - she wanted it, grabs it, and makes the play at two.
And it carried on. We started to be successful.....confident.....strong.....again. I took this really bad game and created a teaching moment for them to walk away that night, yes, with a loss, but also with knowing they can dive for balls, call it, communicate, keep composure.....do it.
Yes, right, there is always that one parent that has a problem with staying late, is determined I have no respect for others, and feels that telling on me is what needs to be done. I am OK with that, she doesn't get it. If I didn't respect, didn't care, didn't want the best outcome for these players we would have gone home, shoot, that would have been easy. By staying I taught them fight, drive, determination and most of all...we will never quit, I don't quit, it doesn't even exist my vocabulary. And now at this juncture in my life I understand "not quitting "at a completely different level - a higher level. I hope I am teaching this attitude of strength and desire and when these players leave, and are faced with adversity, they will know what it means to push through and never quit.
I have control....breathe....slow it down.....focus.....want it.......I will never quit.....I will triumph!
I am not sure how, or where the seams got tore off, or if in one catastrophic moment my girls forgot how to play softball. I don't know. They look to me for guidance, encouragement, strength and balance. I am their biggest fan at all times, even in these not so great moments. Of course I was angry, embarrassed, frustrated, and at a loss.Who wouldn't be? When you feel you have given each player the tools to be successful, witnessed their successes, bragged about them to peers, and, in competition it falls apart... that is heartache.
Game over, we took to the field and practiced. You see it would have been easy, just to leave, cry over it at dinner, and accept defeat. Why accept it? Why let it win? I can't get the game back, I can't reverse the loss, but I can take that negative and turn it into something positive. We lapsed, lost our mental stability so in some way it is my job to show each and every player they are capable after giving the game away to errors - eight dropped balls. And waiting until tomorrow loses the feelings they are experiencing. And we're off.
"Mine! Mine! I got it!" as she is running in to make the catch.
And she is calling it, leaps and dives to give everything she has to this ball, she misses it, but her back up is there. I shout, "Great effort, keep it up! That's exactly what we want to see!"
Ball is a tweener, in the 5-6-7 hole, everybody's on their horse, and you hear loud as day, "MINE!" can't miss that sound, the other two stop and the caller of the ball takes control - she wanted it, grabs it, and makes the play at two.
And it carried on. We started to be successful.....confident.....strong.....again. I took this really bad game and created a teaching moment for them to walk away that night, yes, with a loss, but also with knowing they can dive for balls, call it, communicate, keep composure.....do it.
Yes, right, there is always that one parent that has a problem with staying late, is determined I have no respect for others, and feels that telling on me is what needs to be done. I am OK with that, she doesn't get it. If I didn't respect, didn't care, didn't want the best outcome for these players we would have gone home, shoot, that would have been easy. By staying I taught them fight, drive, determination and most of all...we will never quit, I don't quit, it doesn't even exist my vocabulary. And now at this juncture in my life I understand "not quitting "at a completely different level - a higher level. I hope I am teaching this attitude of strength and desire and when these players leave, and are faced with adversity, they will know what it means to push through and never quit.
I have control....breathe....slow it down.....focus.....want it.......I will never quit.....I will triumph!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Left Expander Follow up
Had my follow up today and all is well. My doctor is impressed with how plyable my left boob skin is for normally when an expander is removed the skin tends to shrink up. I was impressive with how well I took care of the left boob skin.....and I informed her that I took care of nothing and did nothing, and this was all natural. BUT, if I would have been informed of the casualties that could have happened I might have taken much better care of it. Well, it is all past now so the future is what I am looking into, and so far so good.
I start expanding April 11th at 3pm and end on May 25th at 9am. Can't wait.... and then no surgeries until September....life will be almost normal.....
I start expanding April 11th at 3pm and end on May 25th at 9am. Can't wait.... and then no surgeries until September....life will be almost normal.....
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Falling is for Sissies
We had a game today and it was supposed to be at home, but we got rained out and headed to Pleasant Hill. Things were going great, Jeremy, Darcy, Tricia and Tony were taking care of everything and so I really just had to coach.
On the way out to the field from the dugout I decided to start coaching a kid on her fielding and wouldn't you know it, I step, foot goes up, foot comes down and ball rolls right under me. I am falling. Now when you fall you really only have seconds to fully figure out how you are going to manage it - Put your hands out, face plant, roll, do a somersault..... not much time to really devise a great exit strategy.
Drum roll please......I start to put my hands out to catch myself and apparently thought better of it for I just tucked my left arm and rolled onto my side and back. I laid there, then rolled over onto my back and continued to do the self assessment to see if anything hurt anymore than it should. And wouldn't you know it, Jeremy was standing right over me and just picked me right up. He kept asking me if I was OK, while my brain was still doing a check-in with my various body parts. I was on some pretty good pain meds and things just don't tend to work that fast. I answered with an, "I am fine," so he brushes me off, Darcy and Tricia come over to finish the dirt brush off, and we all go back to pre-game.
My pride was much more wounded than any physical body part. It's hard to be cool when you're falling right after surgery......oh well....it was terribly funny.
On the way out to the field from the dugout I decided to start coaching a kid on her fielding and wouldn't you know it, I step, foot goes up, foot comes down and ball rolls right under me. I am falling. Now when you fall you really only have seconds to fully figure out how you are going to manage it - Put your hands out, face plant, roll, do a somersault..... not much time to really devise a great exit strategy.
Drum roll please......I start to put my hands out to catch myself and apparently thought better of it for I just tucked my left arm and rolled onto my side and back. I laid there, then rolled over onto my back and continued to do the self assessment to see if anything hurt anymore than it should. And wouldn't you know it, Jeremy was standing right over me and just picked me right up. He kept asking me if I was OK, while my brain was still doing a check-in with my various body parts. I was on some pretty good pain meds and things just don't tend to work that fast. I answered with an, "I am fine," so he brushes me off, Darcy and Tricia come over to finish the dirt brush off, and we all go back to pre-game.
My pride was much more wounded than any physical body part. It's hard to be cool when you're falling right after surgery......oh well....it was terribly funny.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Post Surgery - Left Expander
Apparently I forgot how much it hurt to have one's breast messed with and chest muscle expanded - OUCH!
I woke up in surgery recovery with very watery eyes and a whole lot of pain radiating from my left chest area. I will say one thing, "Why did I say no to the pain pump?" Stupidity! I had the chance to have it, Dr. Havard offered, I said no along with, "It can't be that bad..."
Let me tell you something sister it can!
The pain became manageable and they sent me home. Driving was awful and you feel every little bump, not comfortable. But we made it, and I tried to lay on the couch and watch TV but the pain was practically unbearable and the show Jeremy and I were watching was not taking my mind off of the pain. The pain pills were not taking the edge off AT ALL! Practice was at 4pm and I decided to go with Jeremy. No sense sitting at home trying to forget about the pain I was experiencing, at least by going to practice I could focus on something else so I wouldn't keep obsessing about how much pain I was in.
Practice was fun, the girls did sliding practice and loved it. Then we did some diving drills and played a game. Well, duh, I didn't do any of it, just stand around, but at least the pain seemed to lessen. Jeremy even brought a chair for me to use and sit in....didn't happen, just kept pacing and coaching, couldn't help myself. But hey, I wasn't thinking about the pain.
When I got home, Jeremy got the ice bags ready and I iced and fell right to sleep. The exercise was helpful, I am going to say.
I woke up in surgery recovery with very watery eyes and a whole lot of pain radiating from my left chest area. I will say one thing, "Why did I say no to the pain pump?" Stupidity! I had the chance to have it, Dr. Havard offered, I said no along with, "It can't be that bad..."
Let me tell you something sister it can!
The pain became manageable and they sent me home. Driving was awful and you feel every little bump, not comfortable. But we made it, and I tried to lay on the couch and watch TV but the pain was practically unbearable and the show Jeremy and I were watching was not taking my mind off of the pain. The pain pills were not taking the edge off AT ALL! Practice was at 4pm and I decided to go with Jeremy. No sense sitting at home trying to forget about the pain I was experiencing, at least by going to practice I could focus on something else so I wouldn't keep obsessing about how much pain I was in.
Practice was fun, the girls did sliding practice and loved it. Then we did some diving drills and played a game. Well, duh, I didn't do any of it, just stand around, but at least the pain seemed to lessen. Jeremy even brought a chair for me to use and sit in....didn't happen, just kept pacing and coaching, couldn't help myself. But hey, I wasn't thinking about the pain.
When I got home, Jeremy got the ice bags ready and I iced and fell right to sleep. The exercise was helpful, I am going to say.
Surgery - Left expaner
Well today is the day.... hopefully the day I get to look more normal. I get my left expander put back in, and I am excited, nervous, and scared. Surgery is never a fun thing and the waking up with pain is never anything to look forward to. I am scheduled for 7:30 to get in and be out by 10:15....it really shouldn't take that long.
I hope this is the last event for awhile and I can just move on after this. Then September I will get the real silicone boobs put in, not because it takes that long to expand, but because I want to enjoy my summer with no surgeries, recoveries, or trauma to my body.....we'll see.
I hope this is the last event for awhile and I can just move on after this. Then September I will get the real silicone boobs put in, not because it takes that long to expand, but because I want to enjoy my summer with no surgeries, recoveries, or trauma to my body.....we'll see.
Tamoxifen
So, my appointment with Dr. Lee was uneventful....I did the usual 45 minute wait, and she came in, was really nice, gave me a hug, looked at my ankles - swollen, then we talked about the Tamoxifen. I was off of it then for four days and they were the best four days of my life. I didn't realize how awful the stuff was until I wasn't taking it anymore. I have been sleeping, the hot flashes are less in most cases although sometimes I have a big one, I am not as restless, and now the swelling is going down.
She has taken me off of it and off of everything for now and we will revisit in May with my follow up and probably start on Evista. Oh, this drug has its own round of side effects and it doesn't treat recurrence according to all the stuff I have read....so, why take it! I am getting a second opinion.
She has taken me off of it and off of everything for now and we will revisit in May with my follow up and probably start on Evista. Oh, this drug has its own round of side effects and it doesn't treat recurrence according to all the stuff I have read....so, why take it! I am getting a second opinion.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Swelling
So, I lived with swelling all of last week and didn't really do much about it, but complain.....out loud, but only my husband was around, and so it may as have been under my breath. He doesn't like to hear me complaining - I do appreciate that....a person doesn't get anywhere complaining. But Thursday, last week, I woke up and my ankles were still huge, my hands and wrists were all swelled up, and my eyelids. And painful..... I called the Doctor. They called me back and told me to go directly to the Emergency Room....NOW. And of course I sat on the phone and asked if I could just go to urgent care, they are cheaper for my insurance and I tried to explain.... the nurse wanted nothing of my explanation, and said go now. And I was headed to the Corvallis ER.
I get there, they check me in, I get a room. On my way, I call Jeremy, Darcy, and my mom to let them know what was going on. But really I knew nothing of what was going on, and had nothing to say except I was swollen. So Jeremy was in Seattle for training and he was going to devise a plan to get home from there and would be on his way. But I also told him that he should just wait until test results come back before he jumps that ship. And besides, I knew my mom was going to leave work so I knew someone would be there with me.
In my room, I am hanging out in my pretty hospital gown, and waiting for the doctor to come in. He does, checks me out, and pushes on my various swollen parts. Disgusting is all I have to say about that. He pushed on my ankles first and boy did it leave a humungous dent....gross! Then way up my leg into my calf he pushed and I was swollen there too.....hahahaha I just thought I really was that fat, so it felt good to say I was swollen.....
They drew blood. They were checking my liver and kidney function because that can be one cause of swelling, and he didn't think it was a blood clot because in theory I wouldn't be evenly swollen all over. I waited.....
An hour and a half later.....normal bloodwork, all looks good. I wait. About a half hour or probably longer, by now I have lost all track of time, the doctor comes in with an ultrasound machine because he wants to check my legs for clots. So he runs the thing on my upper thigh in my carotid artery on both sides and behind my knees (apparently those are the places to see a clot), and nothing. I am fine. My ER trip proved to be expensive and nothing..... I am sent home with, "You have edema. Dr. Lee (my oncologist) says to stop taking the Tamoxifen, take this water pill we will be giving you, and follow up with Dr. Lee next week."
So, if you have read any of my other posts, the Tamoxifen is what is blocking any of the estrogen positive cells remaining in my body that might be cancerous. I take this for the next five years to prevent chane of recurrence. Studies have shown that by doing this you cut your risk in half, so mine would go below 5% by taking this. It is hormone therapy, and is really doing a number on my body, and here it goes again, giving me Edema - which is caused by hormone changes, thus swelling me up like a baloon. And mind you I have only been on this for about 4 weeks.
And you can bet as soon as I leave, I call Dr. Lee's office and make my appointment - it is today at 4:30 - and try to find out more of why I am stopping this very important drug. I speak with the nurse and she tells me that even though this drug is good for my recurrence rate, we have to weigh the risks and benefits, and right now the risks are overtaking the benefits -my severe hot flashes, no sleep, restlessness, fatigue, muscle aches, and now edema. Huh, makes sense.
Well, after all of this, Jeremy really wants me to stop this stuff, he sees my quality of life is just deteriorating because of this. He thinks since I have had the mastectomy and chemo, my onco-type score was low, 18, my risk is already low. I have been off of Tamoxifen now since Thursday night, and I have had the best sleep of my life on Friday, Saturday nights. Last night wasn't so great, too much thinking about my mortality.
I see Dr. Lee today.....and I cannot wait. I don't want to go back on the stuff, but I also know by not, the nasty cancer could come back. But whose to say it doesn't come back if I take the drug. More decisions are to be made.......lovely!
I get there, they check me in, I get a room. On my way, I call Jeremy, Darcy, and my mom to let them know what was going on. But really I knew nothing of what was going on, and had nothing to say except I was swollen. So Jeremy was in Seattle for training and he was going to devise a plan to get home from there and would be on his way. But I also told him that he should just wait until test results come back before he jumps that ship. And besides, I knew my mom was going to leave work so I knew someone would be there with me.
In my room, I am hanging out in my pretty hospital gown, and waiting for the doctor to come in. He does, checks me out, and pushes on my various swollen parts. Disgusting is all I have to say about that. He pushed on my ankles first and boy did it leave a humungous dent....gross! Then way up my leg into my calf he pushed and I was swollen there too.....hahahaha I just thought I really was that fat, so it felt good to say I was swollen.....
They drew blood. They were checking my liver and kidney function because that can be one cause of swelling, and he didn't think it was a blood clot because in theory I wouldn't be evenly swollen all over. I waited.....
An hour and a half later.....normal bloodwork, all looks good. I wait. About a half hour or probably longer, by now I have lost all track of time, the doctor comes in with an ultrasound machine because he wants to check my legs for clots. So he runs the thing on my upper thigh in my carotid artery on both sides and behind my knees (apparently those are the places to see a clot), and nothing. I am fine. My ER trip proved to be expensive and nothing..... I am sent home with, "You have edema. Dr. Lee (my oncologist) says to stop taking the Tamoxifen, take this water pill we will be giving you, and follow up with Dr. Lee next week."
So, if you have read any of my other posts, the Tamoxifen is what is blocking any of the estrogen positive cells remaining in my body that might be cancerous. I take this for the next five years to prevent chane of recurrence. Studies have shown that by doing this you cut your risk in half, so mine would go below 5% by taking this. It is hormone therapy, and is really doing a number on my body, and here it goes again, giving me Edema - which is caused by hormone changes, thus swelling me up like a baloon. And mind you I have only been on this for about 4 weeks.
And you can bet as soon as I leave, I call Dr. Lee's office and make my appointment - it is today at 4:30 - and try to find out more of why I am stopping this very important drug. I speak with the nurse and she tells me that even though this drug is good for my recurrence rate, we have to weigh the risks and benefits, and right now the risks are overtaking the benefits -my severe hot flashes, no sleep, restlessness, fatigue, muscle aches, and now edema. Huh, makes sense.
Well, after all of this, Jeremy really wants me to stop this stuff, he sees my quality of life is just deteriorating because of this. He thinks since I have had the mastectomy and chemo, my onco-type score was low, 18, my risk is already low. I have been off of Tamoxifen now since Thursday night, and I have had the best sleep of my life on Friday, Saturday nights. Last night wasn't so great, too much thinking about my mortality.
I see Dr. Lee today.....and I cannot wait. I don't want to go back on the stuff, but I also know by not, the nasty cancer could come back. But whose to say it doesn't come back if I take the drug. More decisions are to be made.......lovely!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Neuropathy - The Fun Never Ends
Chemotherapy-induced (chemo-induced) peripheral neuropathy may be called CIPN for short. It is a set of symptoms caused by damage to the nerves that are further away from the brain and spinal cord. These distant nerves are called peripheral nerves. They carry sensations (feeling) to the brain and control the movement of our arms and legs. They also control the bladder and bowel, though these nerves are affected less often. Chemo-induced peripheral neuropathy can be a disabling side effect of cancer treatment. It is caused by some of the chemotherapy drugs used to treat cancer."
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/PeripheralNeuropathy/peripheral-neuropathy-caused-by-chemotherapy-toc
And ladies and gentleman, I have it. This is the part where the pom-poms come out and I do a little cheer right? Ummmmm.....no.
It is nothing you want to have, and the more I read about it, the more it sucks. I have a constant tingling, burning sensation in my fingers and I have it somewhat in my toes. I am taking Hydroxyzone for it, and can take and anti-depressant, ametrytiline which helps to calm the nerves. It also gives you some weird dreams. I am holding off on that one as long as I can. I had to take it to help prevent anymore reactions after the second chemo, and it worked. But the things I dreamed..... crazy.....
http://www.cancer.org/Treatment/TreatmentsandSideEffects/PhysicalSideEffects/ChemotherapyEffects/PeripheralNeuropathy/peripheral-neuropathy-caused-by-chemotherapy-toc
And ladies and gentleman, I have it. This is the part where the pom-poms come out and I do a little cheer right? Ummmmm.....no.
It is nothing you want to have, and the more I read about it, the more it sucks. I have a constant tingling, burning sensation in my fingers and I have it somewhat in my toes. I am taking Hydroxyzone for it, and can take and anti-depressant, ametrytiline which helps to calm the nerves. It also gives you some weird dreams. I am holding off on that one as long as I can. I had to take it to help prevent anymore reactions after the second chemo, and it worked. But the things I dreamed..... crazy.....
And now have a call into my doctor because my freaking feet and hands are just absolutely swollen. You can't even see my ankle bones anymore. Just call me sausage legs people....what an awesome name! Not sure what they are going to do about it right now. I am supposed to have surgery in one week to have my left expander put back in but with all of this new stuff going on, maybe I won't......it sucks to be me sometimes.
At least I have coaching to keep my mind off of how horrible all of this really is. And it is going to get me back in shape too.....well, I hope.
At least I have coaching to keep my mind off of how horrible all of this really is. And it is going to get me back in shape too.....well, I hope.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My Nostril Hurts!
The right one is killing me! And I really mean it. You know I am in week two from my last chemo and I should really be on the home stretch people. No issues, starting to feel better and then my nose, or nostril, starts hurting. I think it started Monday, but maybe it was Sunday, who knows. But Tuesday, just sitting here at work, it starts aching so bad, I can't take it no more and I am calling the doctor.
Now when I call, I am a little embarrassed, right? Who wouldn't be? It goes something like this...
"Thank you for calling blah, blah blah, how can I help you?"
I say, "Can I talk with Dr. Lee's nurse?"
"What is this regarding?"
Long Pause...um, how do I answer..."well, uh, my nose is killing me." Yep, that is what I said...
Another long pause, and then I continue with an explanation of how my nose has kind of hurt through the whole process of chemo due to my nose hairs falling out and the sensitivity that happens and.... she cuts me off.
"You need to talk to Dr. Lee right away. I will send you to her voicemail in Albany and she will call you back."
"OK," I said. Then I hear a ring and another woman answers and I am dreading having to say my nose hurts again, but she asks, but first, of course, I want to know why I didn't go to her voicemail. So the woman takes my message and about two minutes later the doctor is calling.
Yep it hurts, yep its red, yep its like one big sore all over my right nostril.... And now I am taking yet, another pill - Hallelujah! I have an infection in my nose, and it traveled up my nose and down into my gums and mouth, the whole right side of my face was swollen up like the elephant man yesterday. I didn't sleep at all, even after taking three percocets to stop the pounding pain. I was not a pretty site. I stayed home from work again - I hate it. But I would have been of no use, what, no sleep and throbbing pain.
Stayed in bed til noon, well after I got up a couple times to let the dogs out, watched the taped Bachelor from the night before, went back to bed, got up at 3:30 and thought I should walk the dogs, because my nose felt better. hahahaha NO WAY did it feel better. As long as I don't move and stay in bed it feels better. But I made myself walk the dogs, only around the big block and wouldn't you know it, the rain came pounding down on me and the dogs. My nose is killing me!!!! And back to bed.
Well, today I am so much better, knew I would be and just had to sleep it off AND... take more pills. Came to work, doing good except my eye lids are so swollen, not sure why, but I am functioning today. But in the moment I just wanted to shoot myself. I am tired of feeling pain, tired of knowing pain, tired of dealing with pain. All that comes to mind is - If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger....so true, so true, I am still alive!
Now when I call, I am a little embarrassed, right? Who wouldn't be? It goes something like this...
"Thank you for calling blah, blah blah, how can I help you?"
I say, "Can I talk with Dr. Lee's nurse?"
"What is this regarding?"
Long Pause...um, how do I answer..."well, uh, my nose is killing me." Yep, that is what I said...
Another long pause, and then I continue with an explanation of how my nose has kind of hurt through the whole process of chemo due to my nose hairs falling out and the sensitivity that happens and.... she cuts me off.
"You need to talk to Dr. Lee right away. I will send you to her voicemail in Albany and she will call you back."
"OK," I said. Then I hear a ring and another woman answers and I am dreading having to say my nose hurts again, but she asks, but first, of course, I want to know why I didn't go to her voicemail. So the woman takes my message and about two minutes later the doctor is calling.
Yep it hurts, yep its red, yep its like one big sore all over my right nostril.... And now I am taking yet, another pill - Hallelujah! I have an infection in my nose, and it traveled up my nose and down into my gums and mouth, the whole right side of my face was swollen up like the elephant man yesterday. I didn't sleep at all, even after taking three percocets to stop the pounding pain. I was not a pretty site. I stayed home from work again - I hate it. But I would have been of no use, what, no sleep and throbbing pain.
Stayed in bed til noon, well after I got up a couple times to let the dogs out, watched the taped Bachelor from the night before, went back to bed, got up at 3:30 and thought I should walk the dogs, because my nose felt better. hahahaha NO WAY did it feel better. As long as I don't move and stay in bed it feels better. But I made myself walk the dogs, only around the big block and wouldn't you know it, the rain came pounding down on me and the dogs. My nose is killing me!!!! And back to bed.
Well, today I am so much better, knew I would be and just had to sleep it off AND... take more pills. Came to work, doing good except my eye lids are so swollen, not sure why, but I am functioning today. But in the moment I just wanted to shoot myself. I am tired of feeling pain, tired of knowing pain, tired of dealing with pain. All that comes to mind is - If it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger....so true, so true, I am still alive!
Sunday, February 20, 2011
My Grandma
Holding grudges is stupid....almost as stupid as cancer.....no, I say just as stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid! No one lives forever just get over it and move on.
I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.
She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.
She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.
She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.
I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.
I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles.
When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.
It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.
Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar, sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.
Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.
****************************************************************************
Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......
I was so mad at her at the time, and now I really don't even know why I was mad, why I haven't really talked to her in over 5 years, why I never visited. If I don't know why, then why was I refusing to take the time to go out to her house and visit? A grudge, that's it, a stupid grudge, being stubborn....dumb grudge.
She is opinionated, even if that same opinion changes from conversation to conversation.Can be real annoying, make your blood boil, but she always means well. Her words can really sting, right down to your core, and can really make you want to retaliate. And boy is she stubborn, ornery, and loving all in one. Yeah she loves you, no matter what, she loves you and would do anything for you, any time, anywhere, any how, unconditionally.
She was always around growing up, took care of us a ton, and she always stood up for us. My mom worked alot; my dad drank alot, and worked too...but he drank alot. And when he drank he wasn't very nice, like some demon took over and possessed his body for a time. Being the oldest, I have seen, heard, and been through things that most don't get to experience. Ha, don't get to.... no, you don't want to. You might say I didn't have a fun childhood, but I did. Of course there were really bad times, but there were really good times too. All of it made me....me. And I must say my Grandma was a big part of that. I am not sure without her and Grandpa if there would have been the same outcome. She was the rock for my mother, sister, brothers and I.
She is in the hospital now, with so many issues and just plain old age. She has something called atrial fibrillation and that was acting up real bad - heart beating a mile and a minute. They couldn't get it to come down. Could have lost her Friday night because this condition can make her aneurism explode in her stomach and she bleeds to death. Didn't happen, she is still here, at least in body, her mind is something else.
I spent four hours with her yesterday in her hospital room. Not all of it by myself, but most. I was so mad at her before, never going to speak to her again until she apologized, ha, I will show her. Nope she got me, I came to her, me visiting her, me breaking my pact (if only to myself), and I can't even remember what sent me over the edge to stay mad this long anyways. Good for you Grandma, you showed me.
I don't even care what we talked about, I was just there. I watched her doze off a couple of times. Ordered her food, held her hand. We talked, laughed, and I mean really laughed, just right from the belly kind of laugh. In conversation she really isn't all there, almost like she is looking through you. She told me last night that she remembers growing up and things like that really well, but yesterday isn't really a memory, doesn't exist for her. I told Grandma it happens, and yesterday memories aren't near as fun as your old memories. She just lauged at me and does her, "oh honey," thing with her hand and smiles.
When I left at 7:30 it was hard. I mean really hard to walk out of the hospital room. I had missed so much in the last five years that in my mind I was trying to make up for it in those few hours next to her bed. You can't. Time is time.... use it or lose it - no rollover minutes in this plan.
It's hard to watch the ones you love fall so hard. Grandma was tough, she stood up to my dad like he was nothing, I watched her do it. Don't remember how old I was, but mom was gone and Grandma just came over. And she let him have it, don't know what he did but most things were pretty awful so I am sure he deserved it. I just remember him sitting in a chair, Grandma towering over him, pointing, raising her voice, and letting him have it. She was one tough cookie to say things to him like that, he wasn't known for being the nicest man of the year. Now she is so frail, powerless, brains not firing up like it used to, her eyes are so lost, her hands so small, her body weak.
Hide and seek in her closet, Amber the dog, popcorn, picking peaches and eating peaches til I was sick, dumpster diving, dresses she sewed, perms, haircuts, mowing lawns, playing cards, stew, grilled ham and cheese sandwiches, the cookie jar, sock monkeys, family gatherings, Grandpa's bread, applesauce, lectures, laughter....lots of laughter.
Yeah Grandma, I remember the old times too....and wish I could forget yesterday - not the time spent but the deterioration of...it's not near as fun as my old memories either. Love you........always.
****************************************************************************
Update 02/20/11 - She is home - no cancer, but has congestive heart faillure, pneumonia, atri-fib and..... no matter, she is home, happy, and she can now fix herself something to eat and not have the cafe make it for her..... she does make food better than anyone else you know? She always says that.......
Friday, February 18, 2011
Review, Review, Review.....
I think I have fixed them all! Well, let's be real, probably not, but trying to....
So, I decided to read through some of my posts and noticed some HUGE editing errors. Seriously, I write "know" when I mean "no" and there and their used in wrong places. What is wrong with my spelling. Know is when you realize something and have knowledge, while No is the opposite of Yes - duh! And over there verses their possessions. There refers to a "place" while Their refers to something "owned." And many other mistakes, totally embarrassing, but have been fixed, or so I hope. I am sure I will find more, I didn't read every post.....
Happy Reading!
So, I decided to read through some of my posts and noticed some HUGE editing errors. Seriously, I write "know" when I mean "no" and there and their used in wrong places. What is wrong with my spelling. Know is when you realize something and have knowledge, while No is the opposite of Yes - duh! And over there verses their possessions. There refers to a "place" while Their refers to something "owned." And many other mistakes, totally embarrassing, but have been fixed, or so I hope. I am sure I will find more, I didn't read every post.....
Happy Reading!
Raising Your Awareness of Self
This will make you laugh, smile, cry, and all other emotions. Watch until the end and see how this dog is helping with raising money for breast cancer. Love it!!!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
What Do We Want?
Strength does not come from winning
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength.
I had a moment today, sad really that my minutes have come to this.
I was feeling better after chemo #4 and slept in until my inside clock told me to wake up. I have decided while going through all of this I will not set an alarm, I will not rush myself, I will move when my body says move. It has been helpful at times, but then very panicky at others for I just want to get up early and be well rested to go to work. So, I roll my eyes open at whatever time it was and do a body check. You know what that is, right? You are lying there, don't move and just kind of let your mind float over your parts to check in and see how they are feeling. I must say I felt OK, still some aches but I can manage. I get up, take the dogs out, eat some oatmeal for breakfast, and get ready to go to work, because I am going to today, nothing is going to stop me....and I mean nothing....no really, nothing at all, I am going....... And then I see it, my image, and that can stop me....dead in my tracks really.
I am still not used to the peach fuzz filled head, the swollen face, the eyes with huge bags under them, the pot-belly, one "boob" sitting on the right, the other "boob" just a bunch of skin waiting to be filled on the left. The stitch marks across where my nipples should be, all hideous to the sight, and all me....Wonderful, who wants to go out now into the world when you have this to work with? Pick someone else please, I don't want to go.
And did I mention the 20 pounds I have so quickly and elegantly put on? The weight that has accumulated somewhere in the belly region and won't allow me to button up my pants, and look even tighter than before. So what to wear, standing there, staring in the closet at all the clothes that line the racks and not of one of them do I want to wear. I don't want to be stuffed into some article of clothing, I want to be comfortable as I sit all day at my desk. But, I also want to feel like I have done something with myself when others come in. Although I really don't care, do I? I will wear this, grab something, put it on, and get out the door. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I have to go to the pharmacy to get my Tomoxafin (however you spell it), the pill I will take everyday for the next five years. That is 365 days per year at five years, and equates to 1,825 days and I have been taking them since Saturday night, that is, uh, .... three doeses thus far. "Stupendous!" I say, "only 1,822 days to go." But who's counting.
And for some reason as I am leaving the pharmacy, heading to the car to go to work, my eyes begin to well right up, the faucet has turned on. And this overwhelming feeling just sweeps over me because I have to do this for five years. And then all the other stupid thoughts.... will I live five years more? what if it comes back? I really wanted children of my own? Why does Jeremy stay? Did I really park like that? And the inevetible....."Why me?"
I sat in the car, crying.....And why not, I cried some more.
Not alot is done with those that sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I don't want to be one of those but at times I find that I do. At this point I have nothing more to fight with - the chemotherapy, I have nothing more to wait for - the chemotherapy, I have no more to be fearful of - the chemotherapy. It is done, I am cancer-free, right? It seems I have this big job to fill - being an inspiration and role model for many..... I don't want the job anymore, it is overwhelming. How can I possibly have bad days, everyone is watching. I have to button up and "Be INSPIRATIONAL!" Can we trade places?
In my support group a woman said,"I am tired of everyone telling me I look great, that I have made it through and am stronger for it. I have not," she says, "I am still fighting it, still have treatment, I don't look good, I don't feel good, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, smile and step out the door. I wish they would say nothing at all." She was angry, and had the courgage to say what a lot of us in the group might want to. And all went very silent with nodding heads in agreement.....
But I have to wonder.....is that what we really want, as survivors, to then be ignored?
Be inspiring?
I just want to be normal......but there isn't one anymore, I have this NEW normal......
All of it so overwhelming........
Your struggles develop your strength.
When you go through hardship
and decide not to surrender,
that is strength.
I had a moment today, sad really that my minutes have come to this.
I was feeling better after chemo #4 and slept in until my inside clock told me to wake up. I have decided while going through all of this I will not set an alarm, I will not rush myself, I will move when my body says move. It has been helpful at times, but then very panicky at others for I just want to get up early and be well rested to go to work. So, I roll my eyes open at whatever time it was and do a body check. You know what that is, right? You are lying there, don't move and just kind of let your mind float over your parts to check in and see how they are feeling. I must say I felt OK, still some aches but I can manage. I get up, take the dogs out, eat some oatmeal for breakfast, and get ready to go to work, because I am going to today, nothing is going to stop me....and I mean nothing....no really, nothing at all, I am going....... And then I see it, my image, and that can stop me....dead in my tracks really.
I am still not used to the peach fuzz filled head, the swollen face, the eyes with huge bags under them, the pot-belly, one "boob" sitting on the right, the other "boob" just a bunch of skin waiting to be filled on the left. The stitch marks across where my nipples should be, all hideous to the sight, and all me....Wonderful, who wants to go out now into the world when you have this to work with? Pick someone else please, I don't want to go.
And did I mention the 20 pounds I have so quickly and elegantly put on? The weight that has accumulated somewhere in the belly region and won't allow me to button up my pants, and look even tighter than before. So what to wear, standing there, staring in the closet at all the clothes that line the racks and not of one of them do I want to wear. I don't want to be stuffed into some article of clothing, I want to be comfortable as I sit all day at my desk. But, I also want to feel like I have done something with myself when others come in. Although I really don't care, do I? I will wear this, grab something, put it on, and get out the door. I don't want to feel sorry for myself.
I have to go to the pharmacy to get my Tomoxafin (however you spell it), the pill I will take everyday for the next five years. That is 365 days per year at five years, and equates to 1,825 days and I have been taking them since Saturday night, that is, uh, .... three doeses thus far. "Stupendous!" I say, "only 1,822 days to go." But who's counting.
And for some reason as I am leaving the pharmacy, heading to the car to go to work, my eyes begin to well right up, the faucet has turned on. And this overwhelming feeling just sweeps over me because I have to do this for five years. And then all the other stupid thoughts.... will I live five years more? what if it comes back? I really wanted children of my own? Why does Jeremy stay? Did I really park like that? And the inevetible....."Why me?"
I sat in the car, crying.....And why not, I cried some more.
Not alot is done with those that sit around feeling sorry for themselves. I don't want to be one of those but at times I find that I do. At this point I have nothing more to fight with - the chemotherapy, I have nothing more to wait for - the chemotherapy, I have no more to be fearful of - the chemotherapy. It is done, I am cancer-free, right? It seems I have this big job to fill - being an inspiration and role model for many..... I don't want the job anymore, it is overwhelming. How can I possibly have bad days, everyone is watching. I have to button up and "Be INSPIRATIONAL!" Can we trade places?
In my support group a woman said,"I am tired of everyone telling me I look great, that I have made it through and am stronger for it. I have not," she says, "I am still fighting it, still have treatment, I don't look good, I don't feel good, everyday is a struggle to get out of bed, smile and step out the door. I wish they would say nothing at all." She was angry, and had the courgage to say what a lot of us in the group might want to. And all went very silent with nodding heads in agreement.....
But I have to wonder.....is that what we really want, as survivors, to then be ignored?
Be inspiring?
I just want to be normal......but there isn't one anymore, I have this NEW normal......
All of it so overwhelming........
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Cancer Free?
So, I think I can say it now, ok, right? Who knows, but here goes:
So after this chemo my mom took me to Philomath to meet up with Jeremy and then we went to dinner - mexican, and my mom and aunt came down to celebrate. They all had margaritas, the real ones, I had a virgin. Alcohol and all the meds they gave me don't mix and shouldn't be mixed if you want the full affect of your meds...... I didn't come this far not to.
hahahaha the saddling up, facing fears and gathering courage really works, even if it was only a pretend horse. I don't have to brush her, put the saddle away, and clean up, I can just shut off my imagination this way.... less work. Good night, and Gypsy says good night too......
"I am now CANCER-FREE and it feels good!!!!!!" at least that is what my doctor told me yesterday, so I am going to go with it, I think..... Sounds good coming out of my mouth. And here is bald me right after chemo #4. Not so pretty, VERY swollen from all the steroids, but I am HAPPY it is over. Well I still have at least the three weeks of side effects but once they are done, its done. Really, really, really.......
During this chemo we did have to stop for about 20 minutes for I was starting to get chest pains and a big lump in my throat. I took some puffs off of my inhaler, and we were back in business. They wanted to stop altogether and you can guess what I said, or maybe you can't, but here is what I was thinking but was much more polite in what I said, "We are not stopping, I can breathe, there is twenty minutes left in that bleeping thing, and I am gonna finish it." Momma didn't raise no quitter! Janelle just looked at me, and we started it back up. The feeling is still there, but it is a side effect that happens about two or three days in, but happens to be earlier. Oh well, it starts early, it finishes early.
So after this chemo my mom took me to Philomath to meet up with Jeremy and then we went to dinner - mexican, and my mom and aunt came down to celebrate. They all had margaritas, the real ones, I had a virgin. Alcohol and all the meds they gave me don't mix and shouldn't be mixed if you want the full affect of your meds...... I didn't come this far not to.
hahahaha the saddling up, facing fears and gathering courage really works, even if it was only a pretend horse. I don't have to brush her, put the saddle away, and clean up, I can just shut off my imagination this way.... less work. Good night, and Gypsy says good night too......
Courage vs. Fear and into Chemo #4
"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway." ~John Wayne
Fitting really for this entire chapter(s) of my life. I have been scared, terrified, frantic during this and somehow I didn't say no. The doctors, family, friends, husbands, dogs, cats, they don't make me do this tragic thing to my body to try and eat away any cancer still lingering. They don't handcuff me and take me in. I go, on my own two feet, no kicking or screaming, I go. Why? Because I love my family, my friends, my husband, my animals - Copper, Tikka, Gypsy, and even Zipper, my wonderful neighbors, my Philomath softball players, my city league teams, my colleagues..... essentially, I love me. And if I didn't I wouldn't do any of it. Funny what love of self and others can do for one's own courage, even through white knuckle fear.
I am headed in for Chemo #4 in two hours and 10 minutes, and I have a sense of, "Yes! I am done!" But let's not fool ourselves, well.... don't fool me, I am the one going through it. Once #4 is over, it is cumulative, stronger side effects, more joint pain, swollen mouth, feet, face, hands. Who am I kidding, what am I celebrating? "Cheers to the side effects?" I think not.... Chemo #3 really went great, no reaction like the second, terrific really, but then, uh-oh.
This last Sunday night the deep bone aches came back, my left hip was killing me, I practically needed a cane to stand and walk. My feet were swollen, my eyes were watering with goo, trying to kick a cold, and I just felt miserable. Ok, granted, I did have a very busy weekend, but I felt good while doing it, except soooooo extremely tired. I hadn't slept, I mean really sleep, the kind you wake up in the morning and you are ready to tackle the day, the good sleep.
Since Thursday, I have had non-stop hot flashes, and when I say non-stop it is no joke. I went to bed, took my anti-histamines, nerve pain pills, and my anti-anxiety pills to help shut my brain off to sleep. And then, from out of nowhere you feel a steam roller coming. It starts with an uncomfortable hot, sometimes heart pounding, and there is an untrollable need to get out of the covers and stand up and take it. And it rolls, only getting hotter and hotter, sweat is pouring, so much so at times I have to change my clothes and lay down a towel to soak up the sweat. I pace, and pace, stand outside to cool off, and then try and lay back down. No sleep comes but an hour later here comes the roller and we start all over again. Morning comes and I have had no sleep and can't funtcion. This has gone on since Thursday, and my doctor says this is a side effect. I started off as a normal 36 year old woman and instead of gradually going through it, my body just dropped to menopause NOW, there are no remedies, no cures, just have to take it like the woman I am.
Monday night I just sobbed because I was so tired and trying so hard not to wake up Jeremy - he has to be up and out of here by 5:30 every morning...one of us has to work. All I wanted was sleep, I want to go to work, I want to get this cold gone, I want to be normal. Essentially I missed three full days of work this week, and will try and make up for some hours Friday and Saturday, but I can't afford to not be there, but when you can't function, they don't want me there either. And during the day, the hot flashes hit alot more, and I just start sweating uncontrollably, and have this feeling like I am a caged animal, without a change of clothes.... oh, wait, animals don't wear clothes.... you get my point.
Enough doom and gloom, today is number four - 1 hour and 55 minutes away. I am scared, terrified, inside I am kicking and screaming, shaking, fearful, but have courage like none other. Nothing beats me without my 200% fight, it is engrained in my DNA I guess. Mom, were you part of that? Thanks.
Well, partners, I am saddling up.... although I don't have a horse, could be a problem, so let's pretend, metaphorically speaking..... I do have the hat and boots though.
Fitting really for this entire chapter(s) of my life. I have been scared, terrified, frantic during this and somehow I didn't say no. The doctors, family, friends, husbands, dogs, cats, they don't make me do this tragic thing to my body to try and eat away any cancer still lingering. They don't handcuff me and take me in. I go, on my own two feet, no kicking or screaming, I go. Why? Because I love my family, my friends, my husband, my animals - Copper, Tikka, Gypsy, and even Zipper, my wonderful neighbors, my Philomath softball players, my city league teams, my colleagues..... essentially, I love me. And if I didn't I wouldn't do any of it. Funny what love of self and others can do for one's own courage, even through white knuckle fear.
I am headed in for Chemo #4 in two hours and 10 minutes, and I have a sense of, "Yes! I am done!" But let's not fool ourselves, well.... don't fool me, I am the one going through it. Once #4 is over, it is cumulative, stronger side effects, more joint pain, swollen mouth, feet, face, hands. Who am I kidding, what am I celebrating? "Cheers to the side effects?" I think not.... Chemo #3 really went great, no reaction like the second, terrific really, but then, uh-oh.
This last Sunday night the deep bone aches came back, my left hip was killing me, I practically needed a cane to stand and walk. My feet were swollen, my eyes were watering with goo, trying to kick a cold, and I just felt miserable. Ok, granted, I did have a very busy weekend, but I felt good while doing it, except soooooo extremely tired. I hadn't slept, I mean really sleep, the kind you wake up in the morning and you are ready to tackle the day, the good sleep.
Since Thursday, I have had non-stop hot flashes, and when I say non-stop it is no joke. I went to bed, took my anti-histamines, nerve pain pills, and my anti-anxiety pills to help shut my brain off to sleep. And then, from out of nowhere you feel a steam roller coming. It starts with an uncomfortable hot, sometimes heart pounding, and there is an untrollable need to get out of the covers and stand up and take it. And it rolls, only getting hotter and hotter, sweat is pouring, so much so at times I have to change my clothes and lay down a towel to soak up the sweat. I pace, and pace, stand outside to cool off, and then try and lay back down. No sleep comes but an hour later here comes the roller and we start all over again. Morning comes and I have had no sleep and can't funtcion. This has gone on since Thursday, and my doctor says this is a side effect. I started off as a normal 36 year old woman and instead of gradually going through it, my body just dropped to menopause NOW, there are no remedies, no cures, just have to take it like the woman I am.
Monday night I just sobbed because I was so tired and trying so hard not to wake up Jeremy - he has to be up and out of here by 5:30 every morning...one of us has to work. All I wanted was sleep, I want to go to work, I want to get this cold gone, I want to be normal. Essentially I missed three full days of work this week, and will try and make up for some hours Friday and Saturday, but I can't afford to not be there, but when you can't function, they don't want me there either. And during the day, the hot flashes hit alot more, and I just start sweating uncontrollably, and have this feeling like I am a caged animal, without a change of clothes.... oh, wait, animals don't wear clothes.... you get my point.
Enough doom and gloom, today is number four - 1 hour and 55 minutes away. I am scared, terrified, inside I am kicking and screaming, shaking, fearful, but have courage like none other. Nothing beats me without my 200% fight, it is engrained in my DNA I guess. Mom, were you part of that? Thanks.
Well, partners, I am saddling up.... although I don't have a horse, could be a problem, so let's pretend, metaphorically speaking..... I do have the hat and boots though.
Friday, February 4, 2011
And.... she returns!!!!!
Well, for me it is good news, for you... not so much. Don't care what you think just that I am happy about it (ha). Dr. Lee, my medical oncologist is still here, yippee, hooray, terrific! She left Corvallis Clinic and went to Samaritan Health Services and so now I don't have to see Dr. Onwere anymore and can continue my fight with Dr. Lee.
I can say that I am two weeks out from chemo #3 and nothing really to talk about. I have gotten a cold, that sucks, so instead of just being able to fight it off, it lingers making my life a fun place to be. I just have it in my eyes and nose, and my lids have swelled right up and just want to keep my eyes closed because they burn so bad. Nothing to write about, just wanted to bore those of you that are continuing to read.... hahahaha.
I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep and I do that a lot it seems lately. Not really what I do, but when your body says stop, I decided I should listen to it. My house is a mess, the laundry is done finally, and I just want my bathrooms clean. It's the little things.
On a side note: I am surrounded by positive, wonderful, inspiring people that continually tell me I give them inspiration from reading my blog, from seeing me smile, hearing my obnoxious laughter - and it is obnoxiously loud, a real belly laugh. Funny... because without all of you, there would be no smiles, no positive outlook, and definitely no laughter. I have decided in my life to include in it only those that make me better....So to all of you - "CHEERS!" for being my inspiration, my reason to live, my living angels. It takes a village........
I can say that I am two weeks out from chemo #3 and nothing really to talk about. I have gotten a cold, that sucks, so instead of just being able to fight it off, it lingers making my life a fun place to be. I just have it in my eyes and nose, and my lids have swelled right up and just want to keep my eyes closed because they burn so bad. Nothing to write about, just wanted to bore those of you that are continuing to read.... hahahaha.
I want to sleep, and sleep, and sleep and I do that a lot it seems lately. Not really what I do, but when your body says stop, I decided I should listen to it. My house is a mess, the laundry is done finally, and I just want my bathrooms clean. It's the little things.
On a side note: I am surrounded by positive, wonderful, inspiring people that continually tell me I give them inspiration from reading my blog, from seeing me smile, hearing my obnoxious laughter - and it is obnoxiously loud, a real belly laugh. Funny... because without all of you, there would be no smiles, no positive outlook, and definitely no laughter. I have decided in my life to include in it only those that make me better....So to all of you - "CHEERS!" for being my inspiration, my reason to live, my living angels. It takes a village........
Thursday, January 20, 2011
CHEMO #3
Well, people today is the day. Anxiety galore, I don't want to do it, I am despising this whole process. I haven't slept, I want to sleep and pills don't work when your brain WILL NOT shut off.
So yesterday, I met Dr. Lee, oh how I have fallen in love with her, and she is leaving, I hate it! I didn't care for her much in the beginning but now I appreciate her.
Dr. Onwere never called her, so she has no idea what he told me, but she also felt the same, I should continue with the Taxotere, and get me through this. She thinks I won't have a reaction during the chemo, but is over 50% sure I will have a delayed reacation like before. As soon as I get a rash I have to call her to get on prednisone to try and combat it. oh god, please no. I don't know if I can live through another one. There aren't any choices but to quit, I can't quit, I don't quit anything, ever, so quitting isn't an option. So, I am counting down to next Friday when my welts will break out, I am sure. Stress and sleep contribute to break outs so my goal is to de-stress and SLEEP! I have yoga two days next week and I will take my sleeping pills and force sleep at night.
The worst reaction is my airway closing up, but I do have an inhaler for an onset, but if it doesn't help I have to go straight to the ER, do not pass go and collect my $200 (although that would help since each ER visit is $100 unless they admit me, sometimes insurance isn't good to me), and with my little working and littler money, our financial situation isn't so great. My biggest fear is being sent to collections for bills, so hopefully we are able to ward off that happening. I guess losing power, electricity and water would be bad too, but that is harder to do. Something will come along. Next month will be our hardest one. I will not quit, we will not quit, and there is an end in site, I see the light.
On another note, softball open cages has started and it was way fun to get out to the cages and talk to the girls, give them their workouts, and just laugh. I think that will get me through this the fastest. Doing what you love even if your life isn't so great, helps a ton! It will be harder this year without much time off, and my own guilt about not being at work, but I need this therapy, I think having it to look forward to and having a goal to be done before actual season start, February 28th, has been good for my healing. I have had setbacks, I should be done by now, oh well. Each time there is a setback I re-evaluate, and make another time line. Goals are good.
Keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and whatever other means you have to send positive energy to my healing. All of it has to be helping. OK, breathe, relax, you can do it, control only what you can and leave the rest. Karma, if ever there was a time to need you, now is good.
So yesterday, I met Dr. Lee, oh how I have fallen in love with her, and she is leaving, I hate it! I didn't care for her much in the beginning but now I appreciate her.
Dr. Onwere never called her, so she has no idea what he told me, but she also felt the same, I should continue with the Taxotere, and get me through this. She thinks I won't have a reaction during the chemo, but is over 50% sure I will have a delayed reacation like before. As soon as I get a rash I have to call her to get on prednisone to try and combat it. oh god, please no. I don't know if I can live through another one. There aren't any choices but to quit, I can't quit, I don't quit anything, ever, so quitting isn't an option. So, I am counting down to next Friday when my welts will break out, I am sure. Stress and sleep contribute to break outs so my goal is to de-stress and SLEEP! I have yoga two days next week and I will take my sleeping pills and force sleep at night.
The worst reaction is my airway closing up, but I do have an inhaler for an onset, but if it doesn't help I have to go straight to the ER, do not pass go and collect my $200 (although that would help since each ER visit is $100 unless they admit me, sometimes insurance isn't good to me), and with my little working and littler money, our financial situation isn't so great. My biggest fear is being sent to collections for bills, so hopefully we are able to ward off that happening. I guess losing power, electricity and water would be bad too, but that is harder to do. Something will come along. Next month will be our hardest one. I will not quit, we will not quit, and there is an end in site, I see the light.
On another note, softball open cages has started and it was way fun to get out to the cages and talk to the girls, give them their workouts, and just laugh. I think that will get me through this the fastest. Doing what you love even if your life isn't so great, helps a ton! It will be harder this year without much time off, and my own guilt about not being at work, but I need this therapy, I think having it to look forward to and having a goal to be done before actual season start, February 28th, has been good for my healing. I have had setbacks, I should be done by now, oh well. Each time there is a setback I re-evaluate, and make another time line. Goals are good.
Keep me in your thoughts, prayers, and whatever other means you have to send positive energy to my healing. All of it has to be helping. OK, breathe, relax, you can do it, control only what you can and leave the rest. Karma, if ever there was a time to need you, now is good.
Dr. Onwere
Friday, January 14th, 2011
My appointment with Dr. Onwere, the on-call doc that needs to learn some phone ettiquette skills for sure. I am in the hunt for another oncologist for my one in Corvallis is leaving at the end of January, and my one in Portland is out for maternity leave for awhile and I need someone to follow me. Who will prescribe more drugs when I need them? Which is the most important thing. Everything else I can google and find out information.... oh the internet.....
Well, long story short, he is a good doctor and very knowledgeable, talks over me some, but we will work on that. I did have a severe allergic reaction to Taxotere, one of the chemo drugs, but we should continue with the two more to go. Stopping now really doesn't help my chances of a "cure" and they are "loading" me up on drugs to help combat another reaction. So I am antihistamines and steroids and hope I don't have the same adverse reaction as before. I am practically in tears, but there really isn't another option. Anthomyacin is one of the drugs, but being young they don't like to give it, and the chances of Leukemia are much higher after taking it, and I refuse. There is a conconction called CMF, but that is a waste of time and so we really need to stick with Taxotere....wonderful :-(
I walk out with the premise that is going to talk to Dr. Lee, my other oncologist that is still in charge right now before Wednesday when I meet with her so they are all on the same page.
Thank you and good-bye.....
My appointment with Dr. Onwere, the on-call doc that needs to learn some phone ettiquette skills for sure. I am in the hunt for another oncologist for my one in Corvallis is leaving at the end of January, and my one in Portland is out for maternity leave for awhile and I need someone to follow me. Who will prescribe more drugs when I need them? Which is the most important thing. Everything else I can google and find out information.... oh the internet.....
Well, long story short, he is a good doctor and very knowledgeable, talks over me some, but we will work on that. I did have a severe allergic reaction to Taxotere, one of the chemo drugs, but we should continue with the two more to go. Stopping now really doesn't help my chances of a "cure" and they are "loading" me up on drugs to help combat another reaction. So I am antihistamines and steroids and hope I don't have the same adverse reaction as before. I am practically in tears, but there really isn't another option. Anthomyacin is one of the drugs, but being young they don't like to give it, and the chances of Leukemia are much higher after taking it, and I refuse. There is a conconction called CMF, but that is a waste of time and so we really need to stick with Taxotere....wonderful :-(
I walk out with the premise that is going to talk to Dr. Lee, my other oncologist that is still in charge right now before Wednesday when I meet with her so they are all on the same page.
Thank you and good-bye.....
Chemo #2 is NOT Done
All I can say is, "What a reaction....."
Friday, January 7, 2011
Today is going to be a great day, I can feel it. I get up earlier than I had been, walk the dogs with Jeremy, have breakfast, and jump in the shower to get ready for work. While in the shower I start to feel a little light headed, maybe unstable, just weird. Shut the water off, get out, towel off, stand in mirror.
"WHAT IN THE (you fill in the blank)!!!!!" and then...
"JEREMY!!!!!!!!!!"
Jeremy comes flying in the bathroom, not knowing what to expect. And he looks at me. His face was scary. I had welts on my inner thighs, up the outside and around to the backside. We are talking welts, people, not just some little rash that goes away with a little benedryl, WELTS. Like I had been attacked by a nest full of wasps. It is 9:00 in the morning.
I call my oncologist immediately and speak with her nurse, Corey. She doesn't sound too concerned when I explain what is going on. I have no fever, no shortness of breath, no other issues. Just welts and intense sensation to itch. She will check with the doctor and call me back. She calls back about 10:00am, and she sounds quite a bit concerned. She says I am having a reaction to the Taxotere (one of the chemo drugs) and she will call in a prescription of Prednisone (steroids) to the pharmacy and I need to start taking it immediately and finish it out in the next five days. Also I will need to take benedryl for the itching. She says to call back if my symptoms get worse.
So much for Jeremy's relaxing day at home, he is off to run my errands. He gets back with everything by 10:30, I take my first dose of steroids and benedryl and wait.
11:30am the welts are getting worse, as in painful now, not just itchy. My body at this point feels as if it has been thrown into a fire and my skin is burning from the inside out. I am still managing, but am not comfortable. My doctor checks on me about 2:00pm and I am absolutely miserable, the welts have traveled to my face, my forearms, my hands, I am burning all over. We find that wrapping me in ice gives some relief, so picture that, literally, bags full of ice, wrapped around my body to cool off my skin. Comfortable until the ice starts to melt. I stay in bed the entire day and try to sleep. Jeremy goes to the store yet again to find anything he can to make the itching stop.
11:00pm everything is worse. My chest feels as if someone is sitting on it, my throat feels closed in as if something is lodged in there and can't get out. The welts have now traveled to the bottom of my feet and I can barely walk. I call the on-call doctor and the receptionist takes my info and tells me to call back in 20 minutes if I have not heard from the oncologist. I am miserable, practically screaming for relief, begging for the pain and itching to stop. Jeremy is dealing with me the best he can, but I am sure from his vantage point he is thinking I have gone crazy. Oh just wait.....
11:25pm no call, call back, they page again. Same routine, call back in 20 minutes if I haven't heard from the doctor. So imagine that while I am waiting (oh, how I love to wait), I am searching the internet for anything that may relate to what I have (I love the internet), bingo, lets Google 'Taxotere and Welts' and there is a forum of someone elese that has experienced the same thing, and it lasted for SEVEN DAYS! Are you kidding me, and blankety, blankety, blank. I wasn't about to put up with this for that long, there has to be relief.
12:00am the pain in my chest is awful, I can't swallow, my breathing is fine, I can't lay down for the pain is worse, my body is burning, that's it, ER here we come. Jeremy helps me to the car and we are off. In this time, no phone call from the on-call doc. Call back the number and tell him I still haven't heard from him and we are on our way to the Corvallis ER.
12:10am Phone rings and Dr. Onwere is calling. The conversation is quite funny now, looking back, but not at the time. His phone skills need ALOT of help....
"This is Stephanie," is how I answer the phone.
A voice says, and I am not exaggerating,"Uh, you called the on-call line."
Confused, I say, "Excuse me?"
"Uh, yeah, you called the on-call line, how can I help you?"
This is where I remind him what his name is, in case he forgot, "Is this Dr. Onwere, the on-call doctor?"
"Yes, it is."
Good, glad we have that established. I continue with explaining my symptoms and end with, "We are headed to the ER in Corvallis now."
And he says,"Oh, good they will be able to help you there."
"OK," I reply.
"Thank you... good bye," as he is hanging up.
He was helpful wasn't he. Get to the ER, get checked in and they get me to a room immediately. By this time, I am hardly able to walk, my legs look like hamburger, my hands are so raw from scratching and my arms are bright red. My left eyelid is covered in a welt, and my head is covered in them too, and I have landed in hell.
Doctor comes in to see me in no time and asks the normal questions. He has read my chart so he knows quite a bit about me already. I start crying and tell him I am scared, terrified really and so afraid my infection is back, and that is bad because my immune system is down and can't fight it. The tears won't stop, I am itching like mad, and I know he is thinking I am crazy.
I get an IV, they draw blood immediately and get it to the lab. He gets the breathing specialist and I do a treatment with Abuterol to see if that can help with the tightness in my chest. It doesn't. Labs come back and all my blood counts are down, I mean way down. Day 8 and they have dropped drastically. Why this is a shock, I have no idea, I mean they did tell me this happens, but to see it for yourself and knowing are two seperate things. Still shocking. the doctor still is puzzled why I am having these welts so far out from chemo and he doesn't think it is chemo at all, but I tell him it is, my oncologist said so, and the many internet forums I have found say so. He gives me another steroid, 20mg (you can have 60mg safely of prednisone in 24 hours), and decides to get an x-ray of my chest.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
3:00am I am worse since when I got there. The welts are bigger, the itching is more intense, the burning is even more intense. All my tests are coming back inconclusive but he doesn't want to send me home because he sees my agony, BUT he doesn't want to admit me to the hospital either because of my next to nothing immune system and it will harm me rather than do any good. He wants me to stay there for a couple of hours, try and get some sleep so they can monitor me. I look at Jeremy, and he is tired beyond belief, supposed to go fishing in a couple of hours, and all he wants to do is get some sleep. They give me a Zanex, and he goes to the car to try and sleep.
5:45am Jeremy comes back into my room, I was able to sleep a little, but my bed was completely up for laying down made my chest pain hurt even worse. The doctor comes in at 6:00am to check on me and things have not gotten any better. These welts are everywhere and I am in so much pain it is awful. He sends me home, and says that it should get better, but if you find you can't breathe or short of breath you need to come right back.
6:30am We leave the hospital
7:00am Get home, Jeremy takes care of the animals, and gets ice. I lay in bed, and he wraps my feet, from my knees up, my butt, and both arms in ice, gives me pain pills and some other sleep aids and apparently I zonked out, but only to wake up to more burning and itching.
10:30 Jeremy calls his parents to see if they will take the dogs so they are able to run and be paid attention to. They say yes, of course, and Jeremy leaves to bring them out there. I get up and soak in the tub with some Aveeno Oatmeal stuff. I was so on fire by this time and nothing had changed, my feet were killing me so much that I wish I could have flown to the tub. I sat in that tub for over an hour, it finally stopped, the pain was soothed, but it took awhile to get here. I did not want to get out.
12:00pm out of the tub, dabbed off the water, and put on some loose fitting clothes, and laid in bed. Jeremy got home around 1:00, and I wasn't itching yet, and decided to go to the store with Jeremy to look for more itch aids.
5:00pm we go over to some friends of ours and have pizza and wings and watch a movie. We finished the rest of one of NFL play-off games and started the movie about 8pm. I am sitting on the couch, ice on my bottom, ice wrapped around my feet, and holding ice in my hands so the itching and burning will stay at bay. And I start wheezing, gasping for air almost.
10:00pm I text Yukari, she works in the Corvallis ER and tell her what is going on, and ask if I should go back. I don't want to look like a crazy if I go back to the ER. She tells me to get there right away.
10:30pm head back to the Corvallis ER
11:00pm Get to the ER, my breathing is way worse, I am having a really hard time breathing. They get me in a room immediately while Jeremy gives all of my information, doctor comes in, orders the breathing treatment, I take one puff and it is a miracle, I can breathe. I still can't believe how amazing this stuff is. I now have an inhaler. Again, the nasty drug Taxotere is what causes all of this mess. Once the chemo is done I shouldn't need the inhaler anymore, lets hope. Yukari comes to see me and we chat awhile, and I thank her for getting me in so fast and seen.
11:30pm I am leaving the ER. And that is a record my friends. Who gets in and out of the ER in a half hour? I do.... thanks to good friends. It really is all about who you know.....
12:00am Home and in bed. More ice, things look better for sure, but I don't feel any better. Everything burns like crazy. More pills to get me to sleep. It helps and then...
5:30am That's it somebody shoot me PLEASE! This is the worst. The burning sensation is incredible. Jeremy is planning a crabbing trip and is leaving at 7am and so he is trying to get me comfortable before he leaves for the day. Um, yeah, about that, didn't happen. He was angry, as if I had begged the gods to yes, please make me miserable so my husband can't go crabbing. I want to make his life awful too. NO, why would anyone want this to happen to them. You would have to be crazy. Well we run water, I sit in the bath for a long time, then towel off, and I spray myself with medicated poison oak spray, that was a good fine.... It helps in the very short term but any relief is good. I pull on some clothes, Jeremy wraps me in ice everywhere and I litterally am focusing on NOT MOVING! Jeremy made breakfast and came in to literally feed my face so there is little movement. I take a ton of pills to just knock me out, and I sleep. I slept very well.
Jeremy kept checking on me, changing my ice, helping me into dry clothes to just get them wet, AGAIN, and I laid there all day. I got up later, took another bath, and did the whole process again. Monday was so much better, I still itched quite a bit but the burning was less...... thank you jesus! By Tuesday I was practically back to normal just sooooooooo exhausted. I still stayed in bed to rest.
My thought is NO MORE CHEMO..... my doctors have other opinions.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Today is going to be a great day, I can feel it. I get up earlier than I had been, walk the dogs with Jeremy, have breakfast, and jump in the shower to get ready for work. While in the shower I start to feel a little light headed, maybe unstable, just weird. Shut the water off, get out, towel off, stand in mirror.
"WHAT IN THE (you fill in the blank)!!!!!" and then...
"JEREMY!!!!!!!!!!"
Jeremy comes flying in the bathroom, not knowing what to expect. And he looks at me. His face was scary. I had welts on my inner thighs, up the outside and around to the backside. We are talking welts, people, not just some little rash that goes away with a little benedryl, WELTS. Like I had been attacked by a nest full of wasps. It is 9:00 in the morning.
I call my oncologist immediately and speak with her nurse, Corey. She doesn't sound too concerned when I explain what is going on. I have no fever, no shortness of breath, no other issues. Just welts and intense sensation to itch. She will check with the doctor and call me back. She calls back about 10:00am, and she sounds quite a bit concerned. She says I am having a reaction to the Taxotere (one of the chemo drugs) and she will call in a prescription of Prednisone (steroids) to the pharmacy and I need to start taking it immediately and finish it out in the next five days. Also I will need to take benedryl for the itching. She says to call back if my symptoms get worse.
So much for Jeremy's relaxing day at home, he is off to run my errands. He gets back with everything by 10:30, I take my first dose of steroids and benedryl and wait.
11:30am the welts are getting worse, as in painful now, not just itchy. My body at this point feels as if it has been thrown into a fire and my skin is burning from the inside out. I am still managing, but am not comfortable. My doctor checks on me about 2:00pm and I am absolutely miserable, the welts have traveled to my face, my forearms, my hands, I am burning all over. We find that wrapping me in ice gives some relief, so picture that, literally, bags full of ice, wrapped around my body to cool off my skin. Comfortable until the ice starts to melt. I stay in bed the entire day and try to sleep. Jeremy goes to the store yet again to find anything he can to make the itching stop.
11:00pm everything is worse. My chest feels as if someone is sitting on it, my throat feels closed in as if something is lodged in there and can't get out. The welts have now traveled to the bottom of my feet and I can barely walk. I call the on-call doctor and the receptionist takes my info and tells me to call back in 20 minutes if I have not heard from the oncologist. I am miserable, practically screaming for relief, begging for the pain and itching to stop. Jeremy is dealing with me the best he can, but I am sure from his vantage point he is thinking I have gone crazy. Oh just wait.....
11:25pm no call, call back, they page again. Same routine, call back in 20 minutes if I haven't heard from the doctor. So imagine that while I am waiting (oh, how I love to wait), I am searching the internet for anything that may relate to what I have (I love the internet), bingo, lets Google 'Taxotere and Welts' and there is a forum of someone elese that has experienced the same thing, and it lasted for SEVEN DAYS! Are you kidding me, and blankety, blankety, blank. I wasn't about to put up with this for that long, there has to be relief.
12:00am the pain in my chest is awful, I can't swallow, my breathing is fine, I can't lay down for the pain is worse, my body is burning, that's it, ER here we come. Jeremy helps me to the car and we are off. In this time, no phone call from the on-call doc. Call back the number and tell him I still haven't heard from him and we are on our way to the Corvallis ER.
12:10am Phone rings and Dr. Onwere is calling. The conversation is quite funny now, looking back, but not at the time. His phone skills need ALOT of help....
"This is Stephanie," is how I answer the phone.
A voice says, and I am not exaggerating,"Uh, you called the on-call line."
Confused, I say, "Excuse me?"
"Uh, yeah, you called the on-call line, how can I help you?"
This is where I remind him what his name is, in case he forgot, "Is this Dr. Onwere, the on-call doctor?"
"Yes, it is."
Good, glad we have that established. I continue with explaining my symptoms and end with, "We are headed to the ER in Corvallis now."
And he says,"Oh, good they will be able to help you there."
"OK," I reply.
"Thank you... good bye," as he is hanging up.
He was helpful wasn't he. Get to the ER, get checked in and they get me to a room immediately. By this time, I am hardly able to walk, my legs look like hamburger, my hands are so raw from scratching and my arms are bright red. My left eyelid is covered in a welt, and my head is covered in them too, and I have landed in hell.
Doctor comes in to see me in no time and asks the normal questions. He has read my chart so he knows quite a bit about me already. I start crying and tell him I am scared, terrified really and so afraid my infection is back, and that is bad because my immune system is down and can't fight it. The tears won't stop, I am itching like mad, and I know he is thinking I am crazy.
I get an IV, they draw blood immediately and get it to the lab. He gets the breathing specialist and I do a treatment with Abuterol to see if that can help with the tightness in my chest. It doesn't. Labs come back and all my blood counts are down, I mean way down. Day 8 and they have dropped drastically. Why this is a shock, I have no idea, I mean they did tell me this happens, but to see it for yourself and knowing are two seperate things. Still shocking. the doctor still is puzzled why I am having these welts so far out from chemo and he doesn't think it is chemo at all, but I tell him it is, my oncologist said so, and the many internet forums I have found say so. He gives me another steroid, 20mg (you can have 60mg safely of prednisone in 24 hours), and decides to get an x-ray of my chest.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
3:00am I am worse since when I got there. The welts are bigger, the itching is more intense, the burning is even more intense. All my tests are coming back inconclusive but he doesn't want to send me home because he sees my agony, BUT he doesn't want to admit me to the hospital either because of my next to nothing immune system and it will harm me rather than do any good. He wants me to stay there for a couple of hours, try and get some sleep so they can monitor me. I look at Jeremy, and he is tired beyond belief, supposed to go fishing in a couple of hours, and all he wants to do is get some sleep. They give me a Zanex, and he goes to the car to try and sleep.
5:45am Jeremy comes back into my room, I was able to sleep a little, but my bed was completely up for laying down made my chest pain hurt even worse. The doctor comes in at 6:00am to check on me and things have not gotten any better. These welts are everywhere and I am in so much pain it is awful. He sends me home, and says that it should get better, but if you find you can't breathe or short of breath you need to come right back.
6:30am We leave the hospital
7:00am Get home, Jeremy takes care of the animals, and gets ice. I lay in bed, and he wraps my feet, from my knees up, my butt, and both arms in ice, gives me pain pills and some other sleep aids and apparently I zonked out, but only to wake up to more burning and itching.
10:30 Jeremy calls his parents to see if they will take the dogs so they are able to run and be paid attention to. They say yes, of course, and Jeremy leaves to bring them out there. I get up and soak in the tub with some Aveeno Oatmeal stuff. I was so on fire by this time and nothing had changed, my feet were killing me so much that I wish I could have flown to the tub. I sat in that tub for over an hour, it finally stopped, the pain was soothed, but it took awhile to get here. I did not want to get out.
12:00pm out of the tub, dabbed off the water, and put on some loose fitting clothes, and laid in bed. Jeremy got home around 1:00, and I wasn't itching yet, and decided to go to the store with Jeremy to look for more itch aids.
5:00pm we go over to some friends of ours and have pizza and wings and watch a movie. We finished the rest of one of NFL play-off games and started the movie about 8pm. I am sitting on the couch, ice on my bottom, ice wrapped around my feet, and holding ice in my hands so the itching and burning will stay at bay. And I start wheezing, gasping for air almost.
10:00pm I text Yukari, she works in the Corvallis ER and tell her what is going on, and ask if I should go back. I don't want to look like a crazy if I go back to the ER. She tells me to get there right away.
10:30pm head back to the Corvallis ER
11:00pm Get to the ER, my breathing is way worse, I am having a really hard time breathing. They get me in a room immediately while Jeremy gives all of my information, doctor comes in, orders the breathing treatment, I take one puff and it is a miracle, I can breathe. I still can't believe how amazing this stuff is. I now have an inhaler. Again, the nasty drug Taxotere is what causes all of this mess. Once the chemo is done I shouldn't need the inhaler anymore, lets hope. Yukari comes to see me and we chat awhile, and I thank her for getting me in so fast and seen.
11:30pm I am leaving the ER. And that is a record my friends. Who gets in and out of the ER in a half hour? I do.... thanks to good friends. It really is all about who you know.....
12:00am Home and in bed. More ice, things look better for sure, but I don't feel any better. Everything burns like crazy. More pills to get me to sleep. It helps and then...
5:30am That's it somebody shoot me PLEASE! This is the worst. The burning sensation is incredible. Jeremy is planning a crabbing trip and is leaving at 7am and so he is trying to get me comfortable before he leaves for the day. Um, yeah, about that, didn't happen. He was angry, as if I had begged the gods to yes, please make me miserable so my husband can't go crabbing. I want to make his life awful too. NO, why would anyone want this to happen to them. You would have to be crazy. Well we run water, I sit in the bath for a long time, then towel off, and I spray myself with medicated poison oak spray, that was a good fine.... It helps in the very short term but any relief is good. I pull on some clothes, Jeremy wraps me in ice everywhere and I litterally am focusing on NOT MOVING! Jeremy made breakfast and came in to literally feed my face so there is little movement. I take a ton of pills to just knock me out, and I sleep. I slept very well.
Jeremy kept checking on me, changing my ice, helping me into dry clothes to just get them wet, AGAIN, and I laid there all day. I got up later, took another bath, and did the whole process again. Monday was so much better, I still itched quite a bit but the burning was less...... thank you jesus! By Tuesday I was practically back to normal just sooooooooo exhausted. I still stayed in bed to rest.
My thought is NO MORE CHEMO..... my doctors have other opinions.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Chemo #2 is Done
Well, had chemo number 2 last Thursday, and it went OK, my veins weren't cooperating, had to stick me twice. Most people get to have ports in their chest, but oh no, not me. Since I have the possibility of an infection, there will be no port placed in my chest because of the closeness to my heart, and I will get an IV each time I go in - terrific, I say!
When you go to chemo you may as well just sign the day away. It takes forever and when I need to get an IV, it takes longer. I arrive, get comfortable, and we prepare the veins. Then once the needle gets started they draw blood to make sure you are "ready" for chemo. Seriously, is anyone ready for chemo, really? The only way you would be ready for it is if you loved the after effects of it all. The blood gets drawn and sent to the labs and you wait, and wait, and wait for the results to return.Yeah they came back and we can move on. My white blood cell count did drop to 6.5 but we are still good to go and let the chemo begin......no, not yet, really..... right, there is all the other pre stuff before chemo.
Now we have to put in the Dexamethasone (steroid for nauseau), Pepcid AC (again for stomach issues), Aloxi (anti-nauseau), and good ol' Benedryl (for any kind of break out that might happen - allergic reaction). Now mind you, this doesn't just go shooting in, oh no, there is a method and it is very slow. If you shoot it in fast you could have a reaction too, so everything is a waiting game. Thank god the chairs are comfortable. So, about an hour later we can almost start the Taxotere - the first chemo drug. That goes for about an hour and then we start the other one, Cytoxan, which takes an hour too, since going fast could give you "wasabi" nose (that is what the nurses call it because it is like when you have wasabi and your nose runs, hahaha).
So went in and was out six hours later. What a great way to spend the day.
The issues don't start right away at all. Friday, Jeremy and I got up and it was such a beautiful day out that I wanted to take the dogs for a good long walk. We walked down to Allan Brothers, had breakfast and went home - about two and a half hours later. It was a great walk, and I was exhausted, but a good exhausted. Friday night was New Year's Eve, so I went to the bull riding at the fairgrounds here in Albany and had a really good time with friends. No real issues at all, just tired, but it is an early night considering other things that we could have done. Then Saturday, I felt a little off, but really just tired. Sunday is when it hits..... your stomach is tore up, and you don't really feel the nausea, but the diarrhea is unbearable. And it is still lasting in to today, Tuesday. I tried to take the dogs for a walk and had to get straight home for my stomach wasn't having it. That is the worst part. And I know it is the food probably going right through me, but I have to eat, and so I deal with this. I think tomorrow it will be a ton better.
I am experiencing the body aches, the numb tongue, the sore fingers. This week all of the hair on my body is due to really fall out. My head still just has a buzz cut, and there is hair, but soon it will be smooth as a baby's butt - can't wait. I have also put on about 15 pounds since this started and that stinks. Fit in to nothing I own, and refuse to spend money on clothes, so it will go away once I am done, but the question is, how long will it take. The steroids cause you to bloat right up I guess, and that sucks. I walk every day, at least an hour and a half with the dogs and husband and don't stuff myself, and now I have just started back at a gentle yoga how do I gain that much?! Its common, and I have to deal with it. Lucky me.
Only two more treatments to go....... can't be over soon enough.
When you go to chemo you may as well just sign the day away. It takes forever and when I need to get an IV, it takes longer. I arrive, get comfortable, and we prepare the veins. Then once the needle gets started they draw blood to make sure you are "ready" for chemo. Seriously, is anyone ready for chemo, really? The only way you would be ready for it is if you loved the after effects of it all. The blood gets drawn and sent to the labs and you wait, and wait, and wait for the results to return.Yeah they came back and we can move on. My white blood cell count did drop to 6.5 but we are still good to go and let the chemo begin......no, not yet, really..... right, there is all the other pre stuff before chemo.
Now we have to put in the Dexamethasone (steroid for nauseau), Pepcid AC (again for stomach issues), Aloxi (anti-nauseau), and good ol' Benedryl (for any kind of break out that might happen - allergic reaction). Now mind you, this doesn't just go shooting in, oh no, there is a method and it is very slow. If you shoot it in fast you could have a reaction too, so everything is a waiting game. Thank god the chairs are comfortable. So, about an hour later we can almost start the Taxotere - the first chemo drug. That goes for about an hour and then we start the other one, Cytoxan, which takes an hour too, since going fast could give you "wasabi" nose (that is what the nurses call it because it is like when you have wasabi and your nose runs, hahaha).
So went in and was out six hours later. What a great way to spend the day.
The issues don't start right away at all. Friday, Jeremy and I got up and it was such a beautiful day out that I wanted to take the dogs for a good long walk. We walked down to Allan Brothers, had breakfast and went home - about two and a half hours later. It was a great walk, and I was exhausted, but a good exhausted. Friday night was New Year's Eve, so I went to the bull riding at the fairgrounds here in Albany and had a really good time with friends. No real issues at all, just tired, but it is an early night considering other things that we could have done. Then Saturday, I felt a little off, but really just tired. Sunday is when it hits..... your stomach is tore up, and you don't really feel the nausea, but the diarrhea is unbearable. And it is still lasting in to today, Tuesday. I tried to take the dogs for a walk and had to get straight home for my stomach wasn't having it. That is the worst part. And I know it is the food probably going right through me, but I have to eat, and so I deal with this. I think tomorrow it will be a ton better.
I am experiencing the body aches, the numb tongue, the sore fingers. This week all of the hair on my body is due to really fall out. My head still just has a buzz cut, and there is hair, but soon it will be smooth as a baby's butt - can't wait. I have also put on about 15 pounds since this started and that stinks. Fit in to nothing I own, and refuse to spend money on clothes, so it will go away once I am done, but the question is, how long will it take. The steroids cause you to bloat right up I guess, and that sucks. I walk every day, at least an hour and a half with the dogs and husband and don't stuff myself, and now I have just started back at a gentle yoga how do I gain that much?! Its common, and I have to deal with it. Lucky me.
Only two more treatments to go....... can't be over soon enough.
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