The drains are OUT!!!!!

Today the drains came out!!! If you saw these things you would be so stinking happy for me. I was sick of them already. Showering was awful, changing bandages, emptying them, etc. And the balls in the pocket thing was getting old. Since three weeks had gone by with them in to catch all the fluid from surgery, they had to come out. Not a fun experience, but no worse pain than waking up from surgery in that god awful pain, but rather an uncomfortable feeling when she pulled them out.

I also had the appointment with the PICC line people to clean it, change the dressing and make sure all was OK. It was, but I made sure they knew how badly I wanted the thing out and was hoping for Friday. Thursday would be my last full day of antibiotics and I just wanted it out. I am waiting for a phone call from them to say the doctor had ordered it. Haven't gotten it yet.

Besides all of this excitement, all things look good, or so they say. The pain is still ridiculous, and the pain pills are still used, thought I would be done with them by now, guess not. Finding new pains every day, want it to stop. Oh, and I finally shaved my arm pits - terrific! Well, Jeremy did it for me, not possible for me to really do it. Had to use an electric razor, but hey the long disgusting man hair is gone from the pits. You can do a dance for me now. I hope to be able to shave my legs soon, it is the bending over that is difficult.

Trust me I have my moments of loss. Just cry for no reason. Did it at the LBCC volleyball game callling stats the other night. Just teared up, nothing really happened just thought about my missing chest, and how much it hurt to just sit there. I think the pain has become very annoying and I get frustrated with it that it starts the tears. Experienced frustration last night and got a great response because he couldn't get to sleep, "Do you need anything?" There is no fixing it, and I hear the sigh.

Love and affection would be nice.

Headed Home #2

Tuesday, October 19^th, 2010

I am getting out of this place – YIPPEE! Not feeling so great this morning, sweaty again, a lot of people are in my room, and I have to be over to Ambulatory Services by 9:30am. All I wanted to do was shower, not this morning, had to move. All my bandages got changed, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and I was following the nurse to where I needed to go. She carried everything for me, I wasn’t allowed to lift more than 10 pounds. I appreciated her help.

Got to the next place, sat in a chair to get directions on how to do the PICC line, and she asked me if I wanted anything, water? I couldn’t answer, and sobbed, hid under my hat, and just needed a minute to gain composure. She didn’t rush me, but consoled me, knew some of what I was going through, and this just was enough to break the camels back. I just held her hand, that’s all I wanted was someone to hold my hand and tell me it was going to be OK, eventually. She had the patience to put up with my break down.

We got through it, Darcy picked me, got my prescriptions, and she took me home. She had some running around to do, so she left and came back, and I had showered and got some clean clothes on. Darcy helped me with my wrap, and then I laid down. At least Gypsy was home to keep me company. She wouldn’t let me out of her sight, and purred on my lap the entire day and night. Oh, how I love my cat.

Day 4

Monday, October 18^th, 2010

And here they come, with a plan, maybe, no, sort of…. Come on people make up your mind.

So, Dr. Mooth, my infectious disease doctor, came in first to check up on me. I showed him the sore on my left drain side, and we talked about infections. We knew we weren’t dealing with some superbug, and that I needed to be on antibiotics to kill it. But as long as my expander was left in, then we would have to set me up with a PICC line and give the drugs through IV for ten days. He would have preferred to remove the expander, but Dr. Havard didn’t want to do that, put me through more surgery.

Dr. Havard came in a short time after and I told him what Mooth said. Havard was heading back to the office and would give Mooth a call and they would come up with a plan. It was around 11:30.

Darcy and my mom were there and after this my mom went home and Darcy took me outside. We walked and walked and walked and it felt awesome. There is nothing better when you are feeling crummy than an awesome walk in the sunshine – NOTHING BETTER.

We landed at the cafeteria to eat something and a nurse came and found me to tell me they needed me back in the room, a decision had been made. I ate fast and headed up. That was quick considering how fast doctors take to talk to each other. But at least they had a plan and I would be going home, hopefully – ha.

Got back to the room and there was a woman in there waiting to get me scheduled for my PICC line and that Dr. Havard was wanting me to do this. I wanted to talk to Mooth first before I went ahead because I wanted to know why he changed his mind. Boy did that cause an issue. No one seemed to understand why I would want to talk to Mooth before anything happened. I believe I am in the patient and I have the right to have a choice regarding my health as well. I paused progress for about 30 minutes before we did the PICC line. And what an experience that was.

Everyone must leave the room and it is me and her – Diane. She explains the process, what the position is that I am to lie in, and all the things that could happen but never really do… The whole things scares me and I really didn’t want to do it. I was alone again, battling something I had never done before, I found strength somewhere, but really never had a chance not to.

Imagine laying there on your back, arm extended out toward Diane, palm up, and understand the excruciating pain that comes after you have your boobs cut off and laying in this position – can you say painful?

Then imagine this drape laid completely over you to keep things sterile. You have a little window to look out, that is about it. And the ultrasound to track the line is there with you and should be Diane’s eyes for the next few minutes. Ok, here comes the bee sting, and boy does it stings. She has to numb my underarm to get into my vein with the IV. It’s numb. Uh-huh, yep still hurts.

And she starts feeding in the line. I can’t see it, can’t feel it, just pressure, and I just want out from under this blanket of sorts. Good thing I am not claustrophobic, would have been much tougher, pain and tight places.

She is feeding the line and uh-oh, Sherlock is not working. Oh, good ol’ Sherlock, what in the world is wrong with you (much worse language was singing in my head, but I had an audience, best to stay mature at this point). So Sherlock is this sort of machine that is dialed into the ultrasound machine to make sure she is feeding it properly and not up into my neck or on the other side of my neck. Oh, great it could go to the wrong place is all I could think. But hey, before Sherlock they did it all by feel, so that was what she was going to have to do. She worked very quietly, hated it, and I kept asking questions as I always do. Silence is scary. She ultrasounded my neck to make sure it hadn’t traveled up into it, not there, and then said she thought she got it. OK, clean up and she would get me to X-ray to make sure the line made it to my heart.

I wait.

A half hour later, x-ray came to me, snapped a shot, and left.

I wait.

“Good news,” Diane says, “ I got it in the right spot.” So, now she has to officially close me up, tells me how to care for it, and off she went.

By this time it was about 5:30, I was exhausted, so I fell asleep. 7pm came and my nurse, Stormy came in to wake me to get me out of bed and to the support group. I was so exhausted. I said I didn’t want to go. She reminded me of our talk the night before and how much I may need this group, she told me she didn’t want to harass me, but knew this would be good for me. I got up, put on my hat and coat, grabbed my IV bar and walked to the boardroom. I was glad I went but kept falling asleep during the meeting.

That night they gave me some anti-nausea pill, my stomach was so sick. It worked but also made me feel like a zombie. Found out later they used to use it for anti-psychotic people to sedate them….. Yes, it works, too well. No thanks, I will take something else please.

I had to stay another night because they wouldn’t let me go home alone, Jeremy was out of town for week the entire week. Oh well, what was one more night, right?

Day 3

Sunday, October 17^th, 2010

Today was my break down day. Janice comes in to tell me I don’t have MRSA and we are switching antibiotics because it is staph infection and I don’t need as potent of drugs and she got the doctor to write me orders to be able to go outside. I was so ecstatic, but only a few problems…. I had no one to call at 8am to tell them the wonderful news and I had to be supervised – remember my husband, again, chose hunting. I cried, a lot. All I wanted was to share my awesome news and go out into the sunshine and just walk, breathe fresh air, and there was no one to do it. I called Whitney, well texted, who really calls anymore. I was hoping she would be able to break away from her family and take me outside for a walk. And he never called to find out about my cultures, never asked when he got to the hospital that night. He must have forgot how long 48 hours was or forgot the reason I was in there altogether. So for anyone who doesn’t know, 48 hours equals two days – how long it takes for cultures to come back.  

She showed up, and then Kourtney showed up too just randomly and the three of us went outside. I was so overjoyed, excited, sad, and more, just to be able to have the sun hit me in the face. We walked around a bit, then got some food in the cafeteria, sat outside and talked. They had to go, so I wandered back to my room. I can officially say my depression set in, and I was alone. I broke down and just sobbed. My nurse came in and I don’t think Stormy knew what to think or do for I had been so upbeat thus far. All I wanted was out of this stupid room and to be outside in the sunshine. She asked where Jeremy was, and I was embarrassed to say because it made me look like a real trophy for him – no not really, that is me being sarcastic. Stormy said she could call him, but what would that do is what I thought. I see the conversation now…

Stormy: So you know your wife is in the hospital and could really use you here?

Jeremy: Really? Well, I am out hunting, it will be a couple of hours.

Stormy: So you couldn’t come now?

Jeremy: No, I am busy and then she would have heard his big heavy sigh when he doesn’t get his way. THE END

So Stormy was coming up with a better plan to get her stuff done to get me outside, my tears started to subside – the feeling of loneliness sucks, and your spouse is supposed to be there with you, no matter what. BUT my sister made a timely entrance with my niece, Hadley, and she took me out. I was thankful. We walked, laughed at Hadley, and just enjoyed the weather. I felt better.

Went back to the elevator, and here comes Jeremy, finally, 5pm. Good that he showed some urgency of visiting his wife before he left the next day for the week. Pleasantries were not abundant. He bitched about his tiredness, I said to go home. When you are in the hospital or just sick for that matter, all that exists is you and the pain you have to deal with. Others who are healthy around you, are just that healthy, and quite frankly, I don’t care how you feel. Experience my pain and know you being tired really isn’t that bad. He helped me shower and left about 8pm – great visit.

Stormy came in to see how I was doing. We talked, I was grateful.... Thank you.

Day 2 of Infection

Saturday, October 16, 2010

It is amazing to me how many nurses don’t know how to read or should I say they choose not to use this skill. Because I have cancer and lymphnodes were removed there is no more nothing on my right arm… PERIOD! No blood pressure, no blood draw, no nothing, but somehow every time the came into the room they were grabbing for my right arm AND there was a sign directly behind me that said NOTHING on RIGHT arm (well it was something like that, but way more pleasant). By the end of my stay the words that came out of my mouth, and I am not exaggerating, “DON’T TOUCH ME!” and “LEARN TO READ (as I am pointing on the wall)!” My tolerance for stupid people is low.

How can you just walk into a patients room and not know anything about them? I don’t know, read the chart, ask, whatever, because if it is someone who cannot communicate then they, the nurses, are endangering them and it isn’t cool, at all. I don’t know, read, it can be good for you job performance.

OK, enough on that…. Saturday went well in the hospital, it sucked I was still in there, alone, no husband, and all I wanted was a shower. The drugs they put you on make you sweat profusely and I was just feeling disgusting. Now, I am a very modest person and can’t just flaunt myself to anyone so I waited for Jeremy. Was supposed to be early, but he was late. I guess carrying a watch would have been too difficult, or wait a minute, caring what time it was to come see your wife wasn’t a priority. I think that one fits better.

My nurse, Janice was amazing and she made it all bearable for sure. She had the Lymphadema specialist come in and talk to me about life after removed sentinole nodes. She was wonderful and filled up a good hour and a half of my time. She measured me, asked questions, answered questions, and after she left I decided losing nodes was much more serious than cancer, are you kidding me. I don’t want to wear a stupid compression sock around my arm and there are so many things I have to be more careful about. Apparently, this part will be harder than I thought. No more recklessness on my part – dang it!

OSU played that night so I did have the game to look forward to, that was great. Jeremy showed up around five, I got some help showering, we noticed quite a bit of puss and drainage on one of my drain holes and let the nurse know. This was the first sign of infection outside of the body. She cleaned me up and showed Jeremy how to do it and now I had to clean it once a day – wonderful.

Jeremy discovered a waiting room with a larger TV that we could go and watch the game in. since I wasn’t constantly hooked up to an IV tower, it was easy for me to leave my room. We went down to the area and watched the game. I lasted the entire game, but was in a great deal of pain by the end. Maybe it was because we lost, but somehow I doubt it for I don’t get that involved in it. At one point what was strange is a nurse came in and said, “When are you two leaving?”

My jaw kind of dropped because I wasn’t sure how to answer this question and the way she asked it was awful, and my husband is slinking down further into the couch – he hates confrontation, I say, “uh, not sure I understand what you are asking?”

“When are you guys leaving, you can’t just hang out in here.”

“I am a patient here,” I respond.

“So why are you down here?”

“Watching the game,” as I talk really slowly, and point at the TV, the obvious reason of why I am in this room. Remember my tolerance for stupid people is low, and right now my tolerance for rude staff is even worse.

“Oh,” she says and turns around and leaves. WOW

Then Jeremy pipes up, “Maybe we should just go back to your room.”  This from a man who hates confrontation and can’t seem to stand up for anything at most times.

We stayed. Some rude nurse wasn’t going to scare me away from the game on a much larger TV than what was in my room. We should have won.

I never mentioned anything to Stormy, my night nurse, actually forgot about once I got back to my room. I told Janice the next day, and she told Stormy that night and she apologized to me and said she would talk to the nurse if I wanted her to. Nah, I think I said all that could be said. Some people should learn how to talk to people and not be so snotty and rude, this woman definitely needed some customer service classes.  

The Emergency

Friday, October 15^th, 2010

WOW! I really cannot move my left arm at all, I have to use my right to pick it up. We have another doctor’s appointment this morning at 9am, but Jeremy has a chiropractor appointment at 8:15. I struggle to get out of bed, and get to the bathroom as fast as I can and vomit. I thought right away to get out the thermometer and take the temp – 101. OK, “JEREMY! Call the doctor, NOW! And lets get in the car and head to Corvallis.” I am scared, in pain, Jeremy is talking to doctor’s and I am trying really hard to focus on something else besides the pain and how long it really takes to get to Corvallis. Faddis wants me to come in immediately.

We get there, Jeremy finds a wheelchair, and we head on up to the offices. They get me settled in and Dr. Faddis will be there soon. They admit to the hospital at 9:20am, I have some sort of infection and they need to get me on antibiotics right away – Vancomycin. Now, if you aren’t familiar with this drug, it is a big and powerful drug that is designed to wipe out small villages (ok, not really, but it is a big daddy). They use it for MRSA which is a resistant staph infection to normal kinds of antibiotics so they were shooting at this. I was terrified. Cultures take 48 hours to get back so Sunday morning we would know what we were dealing with. As for now, my pain was incredible, I was terrified, and this nightmare was really true.

They get me sedated with quite a bit of dilaudid – 2mg, through my IV and I can only feel a little unease. Finally. Jeremy leaves for his chiropractic appointment and is back to meet Dr. Mooth, my infectious disease doctor. He asks me all the questions I have been asked by so many and the amazing one was how did I know to take my temperature. He thought that was strange. I explained I was married before and was very familiar with infections and my ex and knew you didn’t play around with them. He just couldn’t get over the fact that I knew to call and noticed something different. I explained to him my awesome week and how things were going really well, I wasn’t just laying around and saying pity me, but rather I was up and trying to get on with my life. This wasn’t enough to confine me to a bed or lazy boy. So, I knew when I was headed down hill there was something wrong and needed to call. I guess everyone should be more in-tuned with their bodies.

After all the awes and ohs, we move on to me and the plan. They are checking me for infection, cultures take 48 hours, will have them Sunday morning. Until then I would be on Vancomycin and the ‘F’ name drug (can’t remember name) until we knew what we were dealing with. I did have an allergic reaction to the Vanco, but they gave me benadryl and I was good. The itching and redness stopped. And Jeremy left the hospital – the hunting couldn’t wait, and he had a friend in town that was waiting to go out. He would be back later when he was done.

He came back around 8pm and was exhausted and just wanted to go home and get to bed for he had to get ready for hunting the next day. Really, he was going the next day too. What part of wife in hospital doesn’t make sense? What part of I am in pain, can’t keep food down, and am on Vanco doesn’t register? This isn’t some walk in the park. And right now you don’t have to take time off to be here for me. Nope, he was going, he had this planned. Amazing, the thought process.

I go to bed, more tears, lonely, scared, I think this is when my 'I can' attitude says bite me and take a hike. There is nothing worse than feeling alone and dejected, nothing.....

Updates Gone Wild

Yeah, I am back… well at least for a few minutes. Typing doesn’t really bode well with this whole recovery thing so not sure how long I will last.

My thought was to update everyday of when I was in the hospital but way too much time has passed to do that and too much has happened since that everyone wants updates – feels funny to be so stinking popular (hahahahaha), so I will wrap it up all in one.

Wednesday, October 6^th, 2010

So after my first adventure from bed I won’t just leave it alone – I must get up again. Goal is to get OUT of the room this time. So 12:30 hits, call the nurse, I am already starting to sit up, she helps me get the proper attire on, and I stand, shuffle, hold on to my IV and we venture out the door. There really is no fast to the process, just moving. Felt good, really hurt, sense of accomplishment. Get back to the room after just one pass through nurse’s station and now I am ready to get cleaned up – brush teeth, wash face, take a washcloth to myself, and just feel a lot better. And back to bed – YEAH!

2pm – My sister and family come to visit me. I was happy to see them, and Mason seemed a little scared of everything, very shy. Oh, but Hadley was oblivious. She had to show me her new pink glove and her pretty pink dress that she just had pictures in. They stayed 15 minutes, that was all that was allowed for the little ones.

3pm – I want to get up again. Same routine, but this time I walked past the babies, down towards the other nurse’s station and back. It was so exciting and I couldn’t wait to tell Jeremy. It was 4pm by the time I got back to my room, and I knew he would be off at 4:30 and back to the hotel around 5:15 and he would give me a call. He called, I was telling him, and apparently someone else had decided to steal my thunder. You see, she showed up as I was walking out of my room and she asked me if I was going to call Jeremy. I said he would be calling me and I would tell him them. I guess she decided it was her news to share. My feelings were very hurt.

Thursday, October 7^th

8am – My doctors come in, not the actual doctor but the helpers. I ask one about my results and he says he will check on them. I knew they were supposed to be in today and couldn’t wait to get them. He left the room, came back and said I had negative nodes and clear margins.

I cried….. no words, just tears.

You see, I felt really sorry for the guy, he just stood there, not sure what to do and then he asks me, “Are those happy tears?” I nodded. He stood there quite awhile and then said he would see me later and I was doing great.

The worst part of that moment was being alone. There was no one to hold my hand, no one to get me a tissue, no one. I hope for anyone who reads this blog that has a spouse or loved one in the hospital – stay with them!!!! I know it is not fun just sitting in a hospital waiting for news – I did it for 2 months with my ex-husband – but when the doctors come in to give any kind of news, taking it as a team is much easier. I didn’t get to experience that at all. Each time I was alone. Work, bills and life will figure itself out, just be there for each other – through sickness and in health.

The rest of the day was uneventful. Jeremy came in around five from work, and he said he was off Friday -  for his foreman seemed to remind him his wife was in the hospital and he really needed to be there. And that wasn’t a thought you had on your own? Funny…..

Friday, October 8^th, 2010

I am getting out of this place!! I cannot wait. I get discharged around 11am, Jeremy gets me in the car and we are headed home. When we get home it was an absolutely beautiful day, and all I want to do is go for a walk. Jeremy gets all the stuff out of the car, then helps me, I get on some other clothes, and we walk around the block. It wasn’t a very long walk, but it felt so good just being in the sun and moving. Fresh air is a wonderful thing and we shouldn’t take for granted.

The rest of the day I sat outside and enjoyed the sun. Jeremy had to watch his recorded shows, so company I was lacking. It would have been nice, but when I asked it was a burden to get him to come out and sit with me. Sometimes I don’t understand.

Later that night Heidi and Katy came by and asked us if we needed dinner. We didn’t, but Jeremy had to go to the store, so they walked with me around the block. I went so much further this time, and probably out a little over a half hour. It was awesome to just be able to move my body. They went to dinner, and I rested some more.

When Heidi and Katy got home we went over to their house for a little bit to visit. I talked about how I hadn’t had a bowel movement since last Monday morning and so Heidi and Jeremy went to the store. And boy did they come back with a plethora of constipation medicine. I tried the saline stuff and water – just half.

Nights were awful. It was hard to get comfortable, and I don’t care how much pain medicine you take it can never cut through the pain, I don’t know who they are kidding. It was a chore to get me to bed every night and for the most part Jeremy was good. He didn’t like being woken up from his sleep when I told him my ice melted or I needed more meds or help me up or can I have some water or….. I guess he couldn’t see the severity of my wounds to look past himself to give up a little sleep and comfort to help me in a time where helplessness was all there was. It caused fights, but I learned pretty fast to take care of myself and do more for myself.

Never went to the bathroom.

Saturday, October 9^th, 2010

Beaver Game Day!!!

Well, I thought I would be a trooper and go to Mason’s soccer game (my nephew) in Monmouth, in the rain. The rain wasn’t so bad, but the drive was stupid. We got to the game, watched a bit, and headed home. Tried going to the store and we were headed to the car and I vomited. A lot. Outside of Ross Dress for Less. Sorry.

Got home, drank the other half of my constipation concoction and took a nap. The game started at 4pm and we were due at the Quirings down the street. Jeremy checked in on me and I said I wasn’t ready to get up and told him to head over there and I would call when I felt I was ready.  

He was only gone for maybe 10 minutes and my stomach was ready to explode. I run (well not run, but try to hurry as I struggle just to sit up from bed) to the bathroom, try and get my pants off, but in the meantime managed to pull on my drains, then it took my ace bandage down. Can’t go, false alarm. But now I have other issues. I call Jeremy.

He was there in minutes to see me standing there with my shorts barely pulled up, my drain balls in one hand and my wrap in the other and tears. I felt bad I had to call him so suddenly and he came home with his chili and chips in case we weren’t headed back over. He helped me get cleaned up and we went over there. Amy had some delicious chicken soup for me, I ate it, and not even a minute passed, I looked at Jeremy and said we have to leave. When nature calls and you know you took a lot of laxatives to help it along there is no way in hell I would use someone else’s bathroom. Besides it is that time of the month and that makes the whole thing worse.

Get home, get to the bathroom and sit. Half time has come and gone, third quarter is almost over by the time we get back over there. I had thought I was done three different times, showered three times, and finally my stomach was on hold. Thank god, I don’t think I could have cleaned up one more time. It wore me out. Back to Amy’s and I didn’t move from the recliner. In fact they let us borrow it for the remainder of my recovery since it is really comfy and easy to get in and out of. I am very appreciative.

Sunday, October 10^th, 2010

Apparently not even your wife in pain with double major surgeries is going to keep this husband from going hunting. Bright and early Sunday morning he leaves to go. Right I know what everyone is thinking, and we all wonder still. My neighbors checked in on me at 9am, I was thankful because I needed help getting my breakfast and just getting moving. They were wonderful. The rest of the day was really uneventful, and I just laid around watching movies. Heidi and Krupp, next door, made dinner though and it was amazing. Thanks!

Monday, October 11^th, 2010

Doctor appointment at 9am. They help get my bandages for the first time and boy was it hard. This is the moment I actually get to see what is underneath and how big they really are, and boy am I not ready, no, maybe this should wait. She didn’t wait. I felt myself flush and I have to sit down. The pain was incredible trying to get all the tape off and just seeing my “boobs” for the first time. She told me everything looked great and that was doing really good. I felt I was doing really well too, and it would be soon when I would be running around again. After the appointment Jeremy and I just screwed around in Corvallis, went shopping, etc and headed home about 3pm. I was exhausted and we didn’t do much the rest of the night.

Tuesday, October 12^th, 2010

Puttin’ on the Pink Day! Amy came and got me around 9am and we headed on over to Corvallis to the free education day that Samaritan Health Services puts on. It was a great day, a long day, but a great day. I iced a couple of times during the day and that was a head turner, but I had to. Ice is my friend.

I got home about 4pm, took a nap and Jeremy was home at 5pm. We were headed to Philomath High School for their Volleyball Pink Out night and I wasn’t going to miss it. It was fun to see everyone and be up and moving. So many gave me good wishes and couldn’t believe where I was. Hey, it is hard to keep this body down and the more you move the less you hurt believe it or not. Again, pain meds really do nothing and I think you just take them to ease it a little, but the pain is incredible, intense, and obnoxious. I can choose to let the pain dictate my desires or I can be stronger I do what I want. I did what I want. Annoyances are just that, annoying, but they aren’t incapacitating.

Wednesday, October 13^th, 2010

I slept in, well as much as I could before I started to hurt all over and had to start moving. Got up, went for a walk, and just relaxed the entire day. Jeremy got home from work around 3pm and he took me to LBCC so I could call the stats of the volleyball game – my side job. I love watching the games and as long as my mouth worked and my eyes could still see there was no reason I couldn’t go to the game and call stats. We stopped first at my offices and Amy’s office to say hi and I felt incredible. I was bragging because I could virtually function and didn’t feel any pain. YES!!! I was getting out of this fast and it felt good.

During the game I had some issues, but Jeremy got me some ice, and wrapped it around me while I was calling stats. I imagine it looked pretty funny, this big guy wrapping me with saran wrap to hold on to the ice while I was just lifting my arms and bobbing my head back and forth calling out the stats so Nicole could get them in the computer. It worked and it does take a lot more than that to distract me.

Thursday, October 14^th, 2010

My mom came over and she helped me wrap Jeremy’s birthday present. I had gotten it for him before and had it hidden under the bed and in the closet and couldn’t wait to get it wrapped so he couldn’t figure out what it was. His birthday is on the 19^th, but he would be out of town the following week so wanted to give it to him then.

I laid around pretty much the rest of the day, I felt off and couldn’t figure out way, but I just needed some rest apparently. Jeremy got home, opened his gift, he said he loved it, and then Amy came over for a bit. We talked for quite awhile and when she left, Jeremy and I went for a walk. I love my walks. Again something just didn’t feel right at all and more pain was starting to be apparent when I should be going on the down side of this thing. I was having a hard time moving my left arm and the pain was incredible. I ignored it and we went to Bingo night at Applebees with Jamie and Corey (starting to be a tradition of sorts), and Joel came too. It was fun, but I was just in a funk and it was annoying.

Got home, went to bed with this annoying pain.

My First Adventure from Bed

Wednesday, October 6^th , 2010

“Somebody shoot me, PLEASE, now, make this stop! There is always that stupid commercial and the EASY button - need it NOW!!!!”

Tried eating broth, water, anything liquid, couldn’t keep it down. Wouldn’t eat jello because of how it makes my teeth feel. The sugar is obnoxious. And I wasn’t going to brush my teeth, couldn’t imagine how that would be possible.

6am - That was it, the pain was way too much to bear anymore, couldn’t move, couldn’t function, constant loss of control because of the meds, no pain relief really. And the ice was freezing!

8am – That’s it, this sucks! Gotta make myself move. Call the nurse, I want up, NOW. Still can’t keep anything down, we tried more broth. Seriously, I would eat it, feel fine, just lay there, and then, “oh my god, I am gonna puke!” grab my bag, puke, hold it, call the nurse, she measured, dumped it, flushed it. Move on, I am starving people! Oh yes, and they gave me the nausea medicine, the best stuff, didn’t work. Maybe they should go back to the drawing board with that. Just saying…..

OK, so nurse comes in, looks at me like I am crazy when I say I have to get up, and I start sitting. I want to scream because it hurts so bad, but I am not gonna tell her. I am going to get out of this bed. She will not feel my pain, and will not tell me no! We get the catheter off the bed and on the IV pole (yes, I am peeing in a bag, hated it, but necessary), IV's wrapped, pain pump attached with the local anesthetic, and the drain balls attached... Ready, set, go (as Addison would say).

I sit up. Dizzy, here it comes, puke bag please… vomit, here you go, now help me up.

I stand up. Dizzy, but no vomit is knocking, we are good. One step, this isn’t so bad, right? Oh stumble, catch me. She did. Yeah for her. She wants to put me back in bed. No! I won! we walk. I walked to the door, back to the bed, to the door, back to the bed and get back in bed. Small victory, but I won! It is all about competition, give me that chance of victory and I will push for it. Now where is that pain pump? Good, got it, push it, lay down. Ice please. And the broth, let's do chicken, again.

Recovery

Tuesday, October 5^th ,2010

Funny how waking up from surgery, your mind is talking, but nothing comes out….

 “Man it’s bright in here, will someone please turn those things down?”

“We need to start getting the girls in the cage.” I was actually dreaming about coaching and the Philomath Softball Field when I came to and had to snap out of that.

“Shut up, I am trying to sleep here.”

“What am I doing here and why does my breathing hurt so much?”

Tears, can’t move, pain is unbearable, try talking but can’t, Dr. Faddis holds my hand sees my eyes open and says I did great…. More tears…. He comforts me… Asks about the pain, I get out, “it hurts to breath so much.” Tears won’t stop. And it is the kind of tears from shear pain and not from anything else. “Don’t worry,” he says, and calls the nurse over immediately and they shoot me with something, I feel nothing. My doctor is wonderful….. tears, again.

I asked for Jeremy about 10,000 times, couldn’t wait to see him. Or I should say, him to see me, that I was OK, and that he could now be OK. He worries and cares and worries. He loves me, I love him, and I needed to see him. I remember the last time I asked, the nurse got a little pissy with me, and called some people over and said, “Take her to see her husband, hurry.” I smiled, more tears.

I do want to pause in the story and say that these ‘drivers’ of surgery people need to take a course or something, mine were terrible. We must have bumped into everything imaginable, are you kidding me – WOW! They even ran into the elevator as they were pushing me in AND out. At the out point, I did say, “Can you please pay attention to where you are going, this isn’t a carnival ride for me.” I heard, “sorry,” but she didn’t say it with meaning. Although we only hit two more times into things. I think I might start some Obstacle Driving Hospital Beds course at LBCC or something (not sure I can, but I think it is good class to start…).

And I see Jeremy, more tears…. My mom, more tears…. A ton more pain, more tears. Time in room 2:15p.m. I was in recovery quite awhile for I couldn’t manage my pain. Jeremy told me I could have visitors from 2-8 and they had to be over 16. I asked about Mason and Hadley and if they could come see me? My nurse asked how old they were and who they were. My neice and nephew, ages 5 and 3. She said they had to be our kids, we said but they are what we have. More tears. Jeremy asked if the dogs could come see me since those were our kids? Oh and the cats too. She smiled. Rema, my wonderful nurse, worked her magic and got permission, they would be coming to see me tomorrow. I couldn't wait.

At around some time (can’t remember), my doctor came in and asked me about my pain, held my hand, tears, and I couldn’t lie anymore, it hurt like hell and whatever was in the pump was not helping. He changed it immediately (well had someone else do it), and apparently it is the best. It really did make the pain stop, I was much better. I love my doctor.

I also couldn’t keep anything down, and I was talking with Jeremy and my mom, and I said, “I think I am going to throw up.” I don’t know who handed me the bag, but it took a bit, I could feel it coming and don’t know which one said it, “You are turning green!” And then I vomited, color came back, felt fine, no nausea. That would have been a great photo op for sure. Jeremy should have been ready. Green looks good on me I think. And it went like that all night. Thank god all I had in me was liquids, that feels much better coming up than real food.  

I had company for most of the time from then until 7p.m. I appreciated it. It really kept my mind off of the tremendous pain I was feeling. At 9p.m. Jeremy went home, he had to be to work at 6am the next morning. I was going to miss him. I love him tons you know.

Before Surgery

Tuesday, October 5^th ,2010

There is something to be said about waiting for surgery – IT SUCKS!!! I mean REALLY SUCKS!!! The outfit is something to be desired, the heated tube that goes into your gown is AWESOME! For those of that don’t know, there is a tube that comes off the wall with hot air, and in your gown is built in a hole that this connects to, and wa-la you have heat, amazing really…..

Let me tell you the anxiety is something that just kills you, and you try really hard to think about other things. My mom, Jeremy and I watched TV and talked about the weather and took pictures to update facebook of course… who doesn’t do that?

I know cheey picture, but really I just learned about the heater, just wonderful. Jeremy kept facebook updated, that is what matters and everyone loves pictures.

All the doctors come in and ask you how you’re doing. Who actually tells the truth, “this is terrible, get me out of here,” oh no, we always, “doing great…” well not really, I said, “Can we please get started, this is dumb to have to wait this long, and besides, I am hungry and thirsty.” Doctor said soon…. And we wait…..

OK, off to surgery. Not sure what in the world I am doing with my hands here, but remember I am drugged at this time and quite honestly, I don’t even remember Jeremy snapping this one….. I am sure I told him to. Jeremy said someone ran into him from behind and snapped at him, BUT my nurses told her a thing or two and told Jeremy to go ahead and take the picture….. I know you all want a hat like this, don’t even lie….. it’s cool.

Another Quick Update

Hello everyone!


This is another post on Stephanie's behalf.  She is still recovering nicely in the hospital, probably until Friday afternoon.  The combination of medicines and post-op recovery made her feel pretty sick for the last 2 days (it was tough to keep solid food down) so they wanted to wait 1 extra day to make sure she's feeling better.  She's been up and walking around a couple of times (good thing, because Stephanie is not one to just sit in bed all day!).  


As she would probably say, yeah yeah yeah, enough about me, let's get to the good stuff!  Her test results came in, and drum role please, everything came back negative and clear!  Testing of the lymph nodes came back negative (that's a good thing for you Office fans).  Biopsy of the tissue came back with clear margins.  They confirmed that the left side showed no signs of cancer after all, hooray!  One thing Steph forgot to mention earlier was the results from the BRCA gene test, which came back negative as well, which demonstrates less probability that the cancer will return in the future (if it had been positive, the probability goes up to 80% that it would return). 


All in all, nothing but good news to report.  I know Steph is anxious to get back to report to all of you herself soon.  Keep sending that positive energy her way!

Quick Post-Surgery Update

Hello everyone....This is one of Steph's friends posting on her behalf since she doesn't have a computer in the hospital.  Here are some quick stats on how things went and how she's feeling:


Surgery went well - It took about 4 hours to do the surgery and phase one of the reconstruction (inserting the temporaries).  The doctor says everything went great!  They went ahead and removed 2 lymph nodes which is very normal, so they could test them to make sure it hasn't spread into the lymph system.  All of the results from any tests they are going to run should be back sometime Wednesday or Thursday.  They couldn't see anything in the tissue from the left breast once they got in there, so not sure what the MRI results from last week were showing, but still better to be safe than sorry.  They think it could have been a rogue lymph node as they can sometimes show up as a spot on an MRI.  


The doctor was able to fill the temporary inserts with 350 CCs of fluid, which is awesome since they were expecting to only be able to fill them with 100 CCs, 200 max!  The size she is going for is around 550 to 600 CCs, so she's already over halfway there!  She was very surprised and thankful to come out of recovery with somewhat of a chest already.  Hooray!


They have her on some good pain meds to keep her comfortable (as comfortable as possible anyway) that make her sleepy.  She's resting well and should know when she will be able to get out of the hospital soon.  Keep sending those positive thoughts and good vibes!

Part of me forever gone

Well Boobs, this is it, time to say good-bye, really, forever, for sure. You have been good to me, developed a little earlier than I really wanted in the sixth grade. The two of you got in the way alot when I just wanted to play basketball during recesses. I know there is a purpose but when you are a total tom-boy and just want to play sports and hang out with the boys, you just got in the way and kept setting me apart. I forgive the two of you, really, truly ;)

I won't have to experience the tendernouse anymore while during that time of the month, that is a bonus, right? No more sagging with gravity constantly pulling you down. I know that must be terrible to go through. You two were once perky and amazing and now you are just droopy and cancerous, too bad. I will miss you, but at least there is something to take your place. It definitely won't be the same, but at least I don't have to stress anymore about nipping out - love that part! That was always an issue for me and I won't have to ask Jeremy constantly, "Am I?"

Today is a start of a brand new relationship, it will be rough, intense, painful, emotional, erratic, crazy, and relaxing. It is kind of like waiting for Christmas, the anticipation is killing me. I have to remember all the things that have gotten me through the really hard times in my life, and there have been a few, and just look towards the final goal.

I CAN and I WILL are all I need to know

Where are you Karma?

Boots are on, ready to stomp!

Stupid Cancer! I hate you! Go AWAY!

Keep smiling, good thoughts, stay positive....

Slow down and remember to eat your fruits and veggies.

I have a new found strength and courage, yet it may have decided to hide under a blanket this morning, tears won't stop coming.

FAST FORWARD PLEASE!

I CAN and I WILL are all I need to know.

I am in control, relax, take control of your breathing, no one controls me but me, take it, and keep perspective.

And we wait..... check back later, for Jeremy will be updating everyone when I get out of surgery. I need a TON of good thoughts my way this morning. Surgery is from 7:30 - 10:00.

Good bye boobs, I will miss you tremendously........ :(

Cowering vs. Conquering

This last weekend I spoke with one of my softball parents and she was asking about how I was, am I getting through, and holding up. We had an interesting and inspiring conversation that holds alot of truth for all challenges in our lives. We can choose to go around, above, below, but the challenge will never really become less. We have to go through it.... simple.... she is right. I never really thought of it like that. I appreciated the conversation, thank you.  Funny, how after the conversation I found this randomly...... coincidence? Probably not....

"Most of our obstacles would melt away
if, instead of cowering before them,
we should make up our minds
to walk boldly through them."


It is literally hours away and will forever change my life, my thoughts, my attitudes, perceptions. So many emotions can be overwhelming. Today, last night have been difficult. Trying to keep busy is hard when your mind keeps lingering on the moment to come..... I am very tired, exhausted.


I need to remember to put my stomping boots on before surgery, so I can trudge right through one of my biggest obstacles thus far in my 36 years of life.............  GOOOOOOO STEPH!

What Cancer Cannot Do.....

It cannot cripple love.

It cannot shatter hope.

It cannot erode faith.

It cannot destroy peace.

It cannot kill friendship.

It cannot suppress memories.

It cannot silence courage.

It canot invade the soul.

It cannot conquer the spirit.

Stupid cancer....... who made this stuff anyway?

Short is in, right?

Well, I did it, short, short hair. Way easy to maintain, no ponytails, and no rats nest when I wake up. Good, right? Not liking it yet, but getting used to it. Gonna bleach blonde it tonight after work, that will be fun. I love color! This is all setting in now.

Good thoughts..... stay positive...... keep smiling..... it will all be over sooner than I know.

KARMA & ME

It’s amazing to me the ‘niceness’ of people (yes, I know, not a word, but this is my blog and I will use whatever words I want, get your own), the things you never expect, just kind of happen, and catch you off guard. I have to admit that I am not used to this, all these gifts and thoughts and niceness, it is overwhelming, and wonderful! I am not sure I knew that I had so many people that cared about me, what a great feeling. I am not alone, and I really believe it.

First of all, a big THANK YOU to Jeremy's parents who said, "Yes, we will take Copper and Tikka for as long as you need us to, they love it here, no problem." You see, if you know Jeremy and I, you know how much we LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our dogs (Copper has his own leopard skin blanket he sleeps with every night) and to neglect their exercise and love is not something we EVER do. We read the training books, watched the videos and when they say your dog needs AT LEAST an hour and a half of exercise everyday, we listen, when they need to use their "seeking" skills to fulfill their needs, we listen (this means taking them out of your confined house walls and yards into the world and allowing their noses to do the work. When you keep a dog confined to "his" area and he never gets to explore, then you are setting yourself up for a run-away dog and not so well behaved dog when out on a leash-the more time you spend with them out in the world, the more they don't feel the need to run - simple. Patience does pay off). Yes, we are made fun of ALOT for how much we walk and run our dogs, but we have happy, healthy dogs and are more than proud with how they turned out. And their 'grandparents' love them as much as we do and spoil them like crazy (they get to sleep in the bed sometimes), so we know we don't have to worry about neglect or lack of exercise with all their acres to run in. Thank you Laurie and Bob.

“Ricky-Bobby” family you are fabulous-way unexpected. Amy and coffee.... I thank you. And the people I work with, you are tremendously funny.... They played the Macarena and came filing in with pink gloves and great shirts and danced for me, my boss grabbed his butt as he turned…. hahahahaha. And the thoughtful gifts – but I must admit the Fiber One cereal cannot be topped – BJ cares about my bowels…. THANK YOU! And there have been others and more thoughts and words of inspiration – all appreciated the same! It all goes back to the little things.

I can’t describe the emotions that just take hold and won’t let go. These people care about me, they thought of me, why? I want to say it is because I am a good person, I am always the one to take care and help out everyone else. My husband and I always laugh how we are constantly doing for everyone else and we never really get to our stuff, oh well, that’s life. It feels good to make someone else smile, to finish a nagging project for someone and know you made a difference and made things easier. That’s what we do, I think that is why I love him so much.

We believe in Karma........

I think it found me. J